Sometimes I see accounts of a WS's cheating accompanied by the BS feeling that cheating was out of character for the WS and was due to "weak boundaries". So, where do you draw the line.
Say I am a really good guy, like animals,children and old folks etc. But, occasionally, because I have "weak boundaries" I will go in and hold up a gas station. Say money is my weakness and I have not taken measures to prevent myself from seeing the armored truck pull up to the gas station each night.

I mean, really, don't bad character and poor boundaries go hand in hand?

I kind of view character as core to an individual, whereas boundaries are more likely to fluctuate.

Also, I think your hand in hand description is pretty close to being accurate, but moving boundaries don't necessarily translate into poor character, but changes in character will probably result in moving boundaries.

I hope that makes sense.

TB

Your analogy misses the point, because robbery is not an addiction, but falling in love can lead to an addictive affair if I allow other men to meet my needs. So, if I don't protect my boundaries around men and allow one to meet my needs, then I can fall in love with him.

Just imagine this scenario. A married man, whose # EN is sex, is deprived by his selfish wife. She treats him like dirt and lovebusts him every day.

Along comes SkankHo with billybob teef who offers him sex and treats him like a KING. If he doesnt' protect his boundaries, he could easily fall for her if he allows her to meet his needs. He is vulnerable because his mean wife hasn't met his needs in years. ["get your paws off me, buster!"]

The tempation is more than he can bear and he says to himself "I have given and given and got nothing in return. It is my turn to get, by God!!"

So, he takes Skank ho with billy bob teef huntin and soon the affair is off and running! He was a starving man standing in front of a BUFAY and couldn't stop hisself.

See how this can happen?

I agree they sometimes do. In my current marriage, this was the case. His affair happened because he was a man of low character who believed he was entitled.

And there are also those of us who recognize our low character, tendency toward feeling entitled, and our likelihood to get into affairs if we aren't exceptionally cautious, and implement strong boundaries to avoid them because of the glaring character flaws that have tripped us up before.

Counting myself among that undistinguished group, by the way.

Zelmo:

Wow... that's a hard one to swallow. I have wanted to believe my cheating was out of character for me. I hadn't cheated in 18+ years before. Or was it an exposed character flaw that I had kept boundaries around for that time?

I do believe character is changeable (not easily), but important traumatic events can shape a person's world view. For me, whether it's boundaries or character, I had refused to consider the real significance and magnitude of my behavior. Why? selfish and delusional I guess? Having witnessed the devastation I have caused, I have been scared straight. Honestly, I don't see how I could do this to anyone ever again, let alone my wife who I love.

So maybe it is all about character? In that case, my character has evolved....but probably to late.

DT

Now wait a minute. A person of low character is someone who ACTS ON those weaknesses, not someone who recognizes them and thusly, prevents them from driving action. Character is not driven by perfection or absence of weakness [an impossible standard] but in how we handle those weaknesses. If you are aware of your weaknesses and you take steps to AVOID the temptation of acting on them, then you are a person of good character, not bad.

We ALL have shortcomings and imperfections, what differentiates a person of low character from one of high character is how we handle them.

Temptation in this department is as old as time.

History is littered with catastrophes which occur in the wake of loose boundaries.

I like the way in which ancient greek myths portray the self same situation. The story of the argonauts who,when rowing their trireme past a certain island, had to plug up their ears to avoid the seductive song of the beautiful harpies (i.e.Ancient Greek OW).All of which was designed to lure them to destruction on the submerged rocks.

A graphic metaphor for this all too frequent occurance

P.S. I love Melody Lanes Texan version of the same story

I mean, character is the integrity of a person, boundries are learned entities.

My boundries may be different than yours, my families different than yours.

Imagine my surprise when my H (who used to have impecable character) walked right into the bathroom while I was in the tub and started using the facilities!

AAACK! boundries people! boundries! Does that mean he has no character? Apparently, this was how he was raised, I imagine.

But, now that I think if it, my boundries about this have to changed. As I became a mom and house/cat and dog owner, I have not had a bath without at least two pairs of eyes "supervising" in years! It is my boundry that has changed (or been changed for me)

Boundries can and will often change depending on the situation.

I can see where you can link character and boundaries. It seems to me boundaries are limits we choose to implement to prevent us from indulging in harmful behaviours. Because we want to protect our character we develop a set of rules to follow.

The character trait is one of being steadfast and dependable to then follow the boundaries that prevent us from violating our moral code. A person of weak character will not hold fast to this code of ethics or boundaries. The boundaries have temporary or permanent gaps, which allow for dalliances, little trysts to allow the indulgence in whatever activity that was once off limits.

Once the boundaries have been violated, the conscience can be triggered, and the person then has to come to terms with the weakness or flaws in their character. Their character will dictate their willingness to take corrective action, or allow the behaviour to continue.

A boundary can be imposed by someone else as a condition or term of an agreement. You cannot impose a character trait. One is a part of the person, the other is a modality or method of interaction. One does influence the other but they are separate to my way of thinking.

BCBoy, my character is WEAK in certain areas, and I recognize this and protect myself by having strong boundaries. For example, I do not allow other men to meet my needs. I don't have opposite sex friendships outside of my marriage; I don't lunch alone with men, etc. I have a weakness for alcohol that no amount of "character" or will power will protect me from, so my boundary is to stay out of bars.

I think part of character is the recognition that we have weaknesses [we all do] and taking steps to ensure we don't act on them. The people who don't understand or recognize any weaknesses in themselves are usually the ones who have affairs, addictions, etc, because they take no steps to protect themselves.

ML
I agree wholeheartedly with your last post. I should have prefaced my remarks with "for example" to make my intent of my statement clearer.

I've talked about this a lot over my years here.

My whole childhood/teenagehood/adulthood was being a real goody-goody. I had never stolen, was truthful to a painful fault, hated injustice, I was just an all round goody two shoes.

I didn't flirt, I put up barriers to men, I could NEVER, NEVER, NEVER conceive of sleeping with anyone but my H once we were married. My wedding vows were taken extremely seriously by me - and I was only just 20 when I took them. They were sacred.

To engage in an A I had to romanticize it. It had to be like all the love stories I'd read over the years. That was the only way I could live with myself. I just didn't know about A's. The only people I'd ever known who'd had them were scumbags and I really didn't think about them too much. Far too far from my reality and my life.

But..... I had an A. I know I'm of good character, I always have been and always will be. I know I didn't have good boundaries. I think I was naive and selfish when I had my A. I thought I was living a love story. I've learned a lot since then.