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I printed the email, and saved it. I don't have her phone number but I could easily get it..I own an IT company, kind of an original hacker...haha... sweet! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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jcb, why don't you sleep on it tonight and then come back tomorrow and we can help you develop a strategy?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody,
I know you're right.
I hate being afraid, I've never been like this before.
If I confront her, and if she explodes (which she will) I will have to leave the house, at least for that night. After the rollercoaster they've already been through, what do I tell the kids? In your opinion, what would happen next? Would my wife finally wake up or is there a possibility she'll really leave? Should I really tell the OM's girlfriend...I've never met her...should I tell my wife's mother..doesn't that cause irreperable harm to any future reconcilitaion?
Thanks... She "explodes" because it gets the necessary response -- she wins and you head for zee hills. Since you talk about YOU having to leave the house "at least for the night", I'm guessing you've seen this scenario played out in the past. Your W is using fear against you. Remember, SHE is the one who had the affair. She MUST end ALL CONTACT with OM. She MUST provide complete transparency (ie. cell phone, e-mail). If she has nothing to hide, she will give you transparency. If she doesn't provide, you have your handy, dandy keylogger in place. TB
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This has really worked...telling kids, parents, other people about an affair and it has caused no lasting scars? Our therapist said one of the biggest mistakes was having the kids involved...that she was still their mother and shouldn't be degraded in front of her kids...
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Thanks to all,
I will take Melody's advice and sleep on it and come back tomorrow.
Thank you so much!
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Is it possible for you to put aside your fear and stick to a deliberate, well thought out strategy to save your marriage?
Affairs are always a highly emotional crisis situation, but I have observed that the ones who make it are the ones who can put aside their emotions and act with deliberation and stick to a STRATEGY.
The ones that can't control their emotions usually don't make it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks to all,
I will take Melody's advice and sleep on it and come back tomorrow.
Thank you so much! Good night, friend! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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jcb
Your WW should write a letter of apology to the girlfrined. Besides you and your kids, she should be included in the taken advantage of list.
At least this girl has the oportunity to run like Flash Gordon from this OM creepo. She deserves to know the truth about her life, and her BF.
I know you are probably not worried about anything (except you wife's anger at you, apparently) but if I were in the in the GF shoes I would want to know. She can also be a help in the continuing CONTACT relm.
I hope she splits and saves herself years of misery.
Good Luck to you. Listen to ML
Last edited by barbiecat; 01/01/10 09:27 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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This has really worked...telling kids, parents, other people about an affair and it has caused no lasting scars? Our therapist said one of the biggest mistakes was having the kids involved...that she was still their mother and shouldn't be degraded in front of her kids... The therapist has no idea what she is talking about and is untrained in this arena. Most therapists and marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage, much less understand the dynamics of adultery. Traditional marriage counselers have an 84% FAILURE rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. This is why Dr Harley stands out from the rest of the crowd. Lying to children is harmful to them and harmful to your wife. Whitewashing the wrongdoing of parents does not make children feel safe or happy. It makes them feel confused and teaches them to be dishonest. It is lies and adultery that hurt children, not the truth. Dr Willard Harley is a clinical psychologist with 35+ years experience and the founder of Marriage Builders. Here is what he has to say: [ Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery. and about telling children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody and all,
Yes, I think I can formulate a plan and stick to it. What I'm living right now is a dishonest life, where I avoid upsetting my wife at all costs.
Today she is home all day. I work until 5. No chance of her going anywhere, th e kids are home...but I know she'll be on the PC all day (Farmville addict).
It will be interesting to read the keylogger files today.....
Thanks to all and looking forward to hearing your thoughts on a plan of action to end this once and for all!
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J, I'm glad you came to the right decision. I believe you already know about exposure - that is your best weapon to impact and possible end the A. A's are meant to be secret - APs don't like being exposed. Below is he plan you need to start implementing. Ask questions, we're here to help. Sorry for what you are going through. Plan A&B Plan A & Plan BCarrot & Stick http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296499#Post2296499Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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Thanks for your reply.
I believe I am already doing the "carrot" phase of Plan A....just not the "stick"
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The stick without the carrot won't work, and the carrot without the stick won't work. The two parts of Plan A are indivisible.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Which, finally, brings us to the present. Everything seems fine, we are talking about renewing our wedding vows.
What makes you think doing another round of vows will help?.I can't stop thinking of the details of the affair, it is making me physically and mentally ill.
I do not.
...he is still a facebook friend of hers... Like I said in the beginning, I feel totally lost. I love my wife so much, but I don't want to be a fool either...
Get OM out of your marriage.
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jcb,
Order a CHECKMATE tester. This will check for sperm months after the event despite it being washed.
You can test the various sperm. Google Checkmate.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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jcb,
Both you and your WW should immediately get tested for STD's and HIV.
OM sounds like a player. Contrary to what she may ultimately tell you, affairees NEVER use protection.
All Blessings,
Jerry
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jcb, the first thing I would do with her is sit down with her and tell her the truth. Tell her you know she slept with the OM. Ask her to leave her job and cut off all contact. Don't demand, but tell her this is profoundly disrespectful and hurtful to you and that you KNOW that your marriage will never recover unless ends ALL contact. Tell her "I am willing to stay and work on this marriage if you will end contact." That means quitting her job, deleting her facebook account and sending the OM a no contact letter as outlined in Surviving an Affair. [I will post it below]
Then sit down and tell your daughter the truth. Your daughter has to know what i going on in her own life.
You are going to have to control your fear over her anger, though. I have no doubt she knows she can manipulate you this way and it has only fueled her. So, you have to make a decision NOT to react to it. When she sees her anger doesn't work anymore to put you in your place she will try threatening divorce, and all manner of things. You cannot allow her idle threats to stop your plan. Can you do that?
The next step will be to tell the OM's girlfriend. This is something I would do alone without telling your wife beforehand. Just call up the gf unannounced and tell her the truth.
Now, if your wife will not leave the job, I would expose the affair everywhere else. To her parents, your parents, the OM's facebook friends, etc.
Once she is out of there, you can begin building your marriage back together using the basic concepts of Marriage Builders. If you use these steps you can fall back in love again. They really work. But in order for them to work, you must start being honest* with her and she must end her affair. This will never work if she sees the OM every day at work or when she is on her computer; she will stay perpetually triggered.
But please find a qualified counselor. [you can get phone coaching with Marriage Builders if you want] Your "therapist" is giving you terrible advice and doens't know what he is doing.
A word about the radical honesty that is discussed at Marriage Builders. RH is not supposed to be used by a BS to undermine his own snooping tactics. Many BS make this mistake. You don't tell your wife your tactics EVER.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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jcb, please get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley. It is the best one out there and can be found in most book stores. They do sell it on this website too. Some links that will be helpful for you today are: Surviving Infidelity Here is the no contact letter. I would print the letter out and ask her to send it when she ends contact with the OM. It should be written together and mailed by you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.htmlMy advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody,
I think I can sit down and talk to her. She will react with extreme anger and deny that she had a physical affair, that everything is over and I am ruining our chance of being happy. She will demand proof of how I "know" she is having a physical affair.
I am almost hoping the keylogger picks up chat between her and the OM today or in the next couple of days. I could then use the pretext of running an antispyware scan and say I found the chat in the cache files...she wouldn't know the real reason....sounds deceptive, but it seems like a safe bet to preserve the keylogger.
Should I confront the OM and tell him I know what's going on?
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Melody,
I think I can sit down and talk to her. She will react with extreme anger and deny that she had a physical affair, that everything is over and I am ruining our chance of being happy. She will demand proof of how I "know" she is having a physical affair.
I am almost hoping the keylogger picks up chat between her and the OM today or in the next couple of days. I could then use the pretext of running an antispyware scan and say I found the chat in the cache files...she wouldn't know the real reason....sounds deceptive, but it seems like a safe bet to preserve the keylogger.
Should I confront the OM and tell him I know what's going on? Yes, it will be a good idea to confront him, but do this AFTER you have exposed the affair to his girlfriend. You might also expose this affair at work. Is he her boss? What kind of business is this? It is very possible he has done this before and is exposing his company to legal liability by having sexual relations with your W.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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