Unfortunately I am here, posting on Marriage Builders. I'm glad that I can tap the collective minds of amazing, insightful and self reflective people and potentially save a marriage from a situation that is just wrecking me emotionally.. Let me explain the situation.

I am the BS, my wife the WW.. The OM, a close friend from a 12 step group that I am a part of. My wife and I have been married for 15 years.. I admit it has been a very rocky time for us, with myself being a major problem and force in screwing things up.. I come from a broken home, where physical, emotional and sexual abuse were all too common. The fall out of growing up this way has been series of emotional struggles, including ptsd, depression and border line personality disorder. I have sought to deal with my struggles through healthy means such as church, AA, therapy and spiritual contemplative practices. I have also dealt with my problems in very unhealthy ways, through suicide, addictions to drugs and booze.

I have been clean for about 6 years and sober for 4. I attend 2 AA groups a week, attend church regularly, I go to individual counseling.. My WW also goes for counseling for her own issues surrounding me being a pathetic husband.

Several months ago a close friend of mine who had just been in rehab for his own drug addiction and needed a place to stay while he continued his recovery and could find suitable work.. Through the stay, I did notice my WW warming up to the OM, a person she typically found rather worthy of contempt.. However I would often wake up and find them sitting on the porch into the early morning just talking & laughing, or just returning from a late night munchies run or watching a movie together on the couch... I am a very jealous person (chalk it up to my Borderline Personality Disorder I guess) and tend to be overly pre-disposed to jealousy, so despite my suspicions and discomfort, due to the problems my jealousy had caused in the past for my WW and I, I decided to ignore those feelings and attribute them to "personality issues" from me.

I am heart broken to report that the concerns were valid. About 8 weeks I woke up one night, to find them sleeping together in the guest room where the OM/ friend stayed. I walked in, turned on the light and woke them. A fight ensued between the wife and I. Her anger and aggression was so fierce, that in the heat I could not even compose myself to tell my friend to leave... My wife guilted and shamed me for wanting the OM to leave my home, mentioning all the times I made a fool of myself and recieved the grace of various people, including her... I let him stay... Several days latter she slept with him again.. A few days latter, yet again.. As for the last 6 days, she has kept this arrangement, and it is killing me.

I've asked my friend to leave, and yet my wife stands in the way, useing guilt and shame tactics. I've called the police, but there is nothing they can do, so they say... The WW and my financial situation does not allow me the freedom to move out... This just guts me. I feel so inadequate, so betrayed and so alone... My resentment is building.. The AA group I have been apart of for 6 years, I no longer attend. The OM continues attending the same group with an air of entitlement.. I have started drinking again just to deal with my frustrations, growing rage and depression... What do I do? Help!

The second last paragraph should read "6 weeks", not 6 days.. Sorry, I was emotional when I wrote this!

Noonday23,]
Sorry for your situation. Please do not drink. You will only make your situation worse and a marriage cannot be recovered as long as addiction exist. Don't go back to addiction. Have you talked to a lawyer. Who pays the bills for the house? Do you have kids?

Gg

I'm pretty new here too. But I think; I'm not a lawyer mind you, that you can go to the court and ask the clerk if there are legal means to get him out.

Do you own your home or renting...?

If you're renting and he isn't on the lease, the landlord could likely evict him.

If you own the courts may be able to help. You may be able to evict yourself or send a notice for him to pay rent and when he can't evict...I'm not sure but talk to the court clerk.

Also, I think the drinking probably isn't the best idea. Maybe you could find another AA group. Do you have a sponsor? You could go to the doctor and get an anti-depressant med, or I have found that SAMe (found in the health food store) really helps.

I'm pretty depressed too, but am out of the SAMe and am ordering some online. I was depressed this summer; although not this bad, and used the SAMe and it really picked up my spirits a lot, I was so happy-go-lucky in fact that my husband thought I was cheating.

There is nothing that a drink can't make worse. Stop drinking. Go to a different meeting. Call/get a sponsor.

Listen to the vet's advice here on how to handle your WW and OM.

For crying out loud. A man stays in YOUR house, that YOU pay for, and scr*ws YOUR wife, and you worry about kicking him out?

Did you know that women stop loving men when they lose respect for them?

Sounds like your wife has already made that realization.

Grow a pair, and kick the slime bucket out of your house. If your wife doesn't like it, tell her you'll pack her bag for her, too. Odds are, she is just throwing this fit because she knows you have no cajones. Prove her wrong.

Oh, and by ALL means, go back to that AA unit and TELL the entire group what he has done.

I'm sorry you are here noonday and also that you are living in such difficult circumstances.

You will get great advice here, BUT, you will need to listen to the advice and take action in order for your situation to improve.

First, you need to stop the drinking. RIGHT NOW. It won't help.

Second, you are letting the situation control you, and you need to control the situation. Seek medical help if you feel that what is happening is causing you such distress that your medical/mental health issues are worsening. You need to be strong to sort this out so do what you need to do to build your strength.

Third - your WW's OM (Wayward Wife's Other Man) has to go. It takes a special sort of person to take someones help and hospitality and abuse it to the extent he has. For goodness sake, what he has done is beyond belief and contempt.

GET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE.

If your wife feels the need to join him, then so be it (for now).

Cat is right. You wife needs to respect you to love you as a husband, so you need to stand up and be counted as the man of the house, because right now someone else is trying to take your place.

Don't let your wife's "guilt and shame" tactics stop you from doing the RIGHT thing. It is RIGHT that this man should leave your marital home. It is not his marital home. It is yours. There is no shame in doing the right thing to protect you and yours.

He can find somewhere else to stay but really that is not your problem.

Do you have any other friends who can offer support?

Do you have children?

Right now you feel inadequate, but that will change when you start taking action. Make things happen rather than let things happen.

You can do this. Many people have come here in their weakest moments and have found the strength to turn things around. You can do it too.

What a horrible situation!

Are there any children involved in your situation?

I think a BIG part of your problem is what seems to be the continuation of an unhealthy relationship. You really need to decide whether or not you want to continue your M with your W, and base your long-term planning around this.

In the interim, you need to take some immediate steps to extract the OM from the situation. Have you exposed this A to anyone? If not, that should be your immediate next step - exposure of the A to anyone that can help to break it up, or at least ensure that it doesn't take place in your own home. Your WW's parents, relatives, friends, the OM's parents, relatives, friends, the AA group that he attends, etc., etc. may all be good targets for exposure.

I dunno, as Cat said, can you not just, you know, stick your foot up his azz as you are escorting him out of YOUR house? Oh, save the other foot for your wife.

I don't understand what other people helping you out during your more down and out days has to do with what is going on now. Did you repay the other people by sleeping with them, or their spouses?

She is 'blameshifting' big time. They BOTH are screwing you, so its like a M�nage � Troi, except you are not enjoying it.

All I know is I would have to let your, 'friend', know this: You are out of the house, NOW, and if you don't leave in 2 seconds the following will happen: one of us is going to the emergency room or morgue, and the other guy is going to jail, and I am willing to accept any of the choices....either way, I am making a stand.

noon

Throw out the OM. Do not care what your WW say's or threatens to do.

Let her leave. Where is she going to go. With the OM? I don't think so. He can't put a roof over his own head.

Then expose this affair. Tell WW parents and her siblings, friends, AA.

Noon, you have to get the man out of your house. What are you doing about this?

No, you started drinking again because you had a new excuse and you wanted to drink. How stupid is it to add a NEW PROBLEM to the mix? Do you not have enough problems? Do you want this punk to WIN because you are in an impaired state, my friend?

You are frustrated because a) you have put yourself in this idiotic position and b) you won't man up and do anything to resolve it. Instead you hide out in a bottle. Hiding out in a bottle like a drunk isn't going to fix the problem, though. It ain't going away this way! Oh no, you have to actually do something to extricate yourself from this mess.

You are under assualt in the worst way and you don't have time for self pity or getting drunk. Pick another timme to play the cowardly drunk. You need your wits about you when you pack this scumbag's bags and put him out of your home.

So sober up, pack his bags and put him out.

Thanks so much for your feedback, insight and compassion. It helps alot.. Now let me answer some questions that have been asked:

Have I exposed the affair?: I have several times. When I brought the situation up in my AA group (while the OM was not in attendance), I was stopped by the other members. They said that any problem with another member should be dealt with outside the group. They asked me not to continue... I've told her parents, her siblings and her friends. Her father and mother were very sympathetic and have promised to try to influence the situation as much as they can.. Her friends and siblings attitude ranged from "she should have bailed on your but along time ago" to "You ain't perfect either"... Due to family trauma and child of origins issues for me I have no family, and very few friends to tell.

Children? Fortunately we have no children. I say fortunately because I would to screw up my child the way I was hurt when I was growing up. MY WW and I for various reasons, for noble and selfish reasons have decided to not have children. However something has been shared to me this morning on this front.

House Ownership /Income: My wife and I both own the home, the owndership is under our names. We both have average income jobs. I am a part time firemen and she a mental health nurse at a local psyche hospital.

Anyway, this morning, being spurred on by this thread so far and pep talk by a sponsor from AA, I decided to head out and rent a storage unit. I then, with my sponsor present gathered up all the OM belongings and put it in the rented storage unit. I gave my sponsor the key so that even my wifes shame and guilt trips would not weaken my resolve.. However, here is where the plots thicken:

My WW and OM returned home from breakfast, they were fit to be tied by what they discovered, both very angry. The WW very emotional. At my wifes request, the OM went for a drive, and my WW sat down and started crying. She said that she and OM had taken several pregnancy tests over the last week, and all have confirmed positive. She is pregnant. Then she said the most jaw dropping thing I ever thought she'd say, she said "But I'm not sure who the father is.".. WHAT? I've had a vasectomy, and have most certainly not been sleeping with my wife for the last 8 weeks, who the hell else could it be than the OM?

She then said (Whether she is in a fog or not, I do not know. Whether this is a threat, I also do not know. She said she is planning on keeping the child, since to her abortion is wrong. She also believes mothers should stay home with young children, that they are healthier that way. She is willing to quit her nursing job.. This puts alot of pressure on me, because as a part time firemen I won't be able to pay the bills on my own, and if divorce ensues from this mess, as the soley employed spouse, and living in a region of absolutel NO FAULT divorce, allimony falls on me...

I am in utter shock. what an F-ing bomb to drop on someone. My sponsor thinks I should leave, even for a vacation to protect my sanity, my recovery and keep me from doing something I would regret (rage and depression have me struggling with suicidal ideation and more insidious thoughts)... Sorry for the negativity and the venting.

I forgot to the mention, the WW seems hell bent on destroying our marriage and driving me to an early grave. After my wife's confession, she turned quite angry again and said that she thought I was being selfish for kicking my best friend out of my home, especially since she has known me to be a man of my word and someone who values promises and comittments. She then decided to donate some shirts and pants (I rarely wear) from my closet to the OM, until the key to the storage unit is coughed up.. I immediately reclaimed my belongings and then she punched me in the face for doing so. She left, without a word of where she is going... Just as well for now, since I almost struck back. I thought a man should never hit a woman... This is a mess.

The first thing you need to do is visit a lawyer Monday morning.

And whatever you do, KICK that [censored] out TODAY!

If there is a mark on you, press charges.

Get the interloper out of the house, while she's gone call the police and claim he's a burglar.

Sounds like a GREAT move on your part. You've basically thrown the ball into OM's court re residency. Now you need to consider your options if he's planningto get his stuff back into your place again. Perhaps a TRO that prevents him from coming within a specific distance of you? Have a chat with your lawyer to see if this can be done.



I think your WW has carefully thought this through, and she's aiming for an end result of her and OM living together in YOUR home, with you paying part of the bills. I think you need to talk to your lawyer NOW about how to prevent that scenario from happening. I also think that you need to start recording your conversations with your WW and stepping up the snooping, as I strongly suspect that her next step will be to try and get YOU out of your own home (a false DV accusation, for example).


Do NOT leave your home! The end result of that would be OM quickly moving back in and a RO that prevents you from re-entering your own home. If you need the space, I suggest that you instead ask your WW to move out, perhaps go stay by her parents for awhile.

Frankly, I think you need to start taking immediate steps to protect your assets (do you have joint accounts, credit cards, for example?). WWs are especially evil creatures, and your WW seems to be no exception to the rule. If you don't take the appropriate steps NOW, you may be left penniless and hopeless, watching your WW living with her OM and bringing up their child on your alimony payments.

GREAT! Call the police immediately and report this act of domestic violence. You should be able to use this to get a RO raised against her to prevent her from coming back into your home. You need to do this IMMEDIATELY, as she's likely taking similar steps right now to get YOU thrown out.

Press charges against your WW for assault.

Let her face the consequences for her poor choices.

Stay in the home and change the locks. Seek help for your suicidal thoughts.

I'm sorry for your pain.

Things can and will get better.

Yes, this is a mess. And the worst thing you could do is LEAVE. Do not leave. If you leave this scumbag will come back. And if your wife hits you again, you need to have her arrested.