The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

The moral of the story is, if the "most important needs" aren't filled by you, they will find someone else to fill them. I wish I'd found this site earlier.

"As long as you believe that your H had an affair because his emotional needs were not being met (as a *primary* reason) you will be meeting his emotional needs out of fear, there will always be a gun held to your head. Your H had an affair because he failed to protect HIMSELF from his own vulnerabilities, period. He is accountable and responsible for all"

I confronted the OM immediately, and let them both know that no more communication will happen between them, or there would be severe consequences. In addition, I told him I would tell his wife unless he did. And he apparently has now. I plan on confirming that with her this week.

I can't promise that some contact won't occure in the future, but who initiates it, whether it is done in secrecy, and what comes out of it is what really matters. All I can do is pray that she'll make the right choice. I must believe that she will.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent

I confronted the OM immediately, and let them both know that no more communication will happen between them, or there would be severe consequences. In addition, I told him I would tell his wife unless he did. And he apparently has now. I plan on confirming that with her this week.

I intend on following all the advice presented here. I will make the bounderies very clear, and I will insist that everything is shared. She has confessed everything to her family and to mine, which took an incredible amount of bravery on her part. She has displayed that she is committed to this family and making our marriage work. For that, I am so greatful. I honestly can't imagine having to goIng through some of the D stories I've read on this forum.

I'm so happy to find a forum where I can finally unload my story! I've had to hold it in for the last week, and I'm going crazy!

Let me start off by talking about the state of our marriage. By all measures, we had a wonderful marriage until last month. We're both in our 30's, have been best friends since college, have fulfilling jobs in our fields, and have two beautiful kids, 1 and 5. We've always focused on having a long and happy life together, read marriage books, treat eachother with respect, support, and love. So what could go wrong?

Well, I hadn't been to this site, so I didn't realize that my wife's greatest need was conversation, and that she needed to have it to feel complete. Don't get me wrong, we talked all the time, but probably not about the right things.

So last month when a friend of mine who worked in Seattle offered to have lunch with her since she'd be there for a conference, I thought it was a really nice gesture, and didn't think anything of it whatsoever. But that was the start. They talked at lunch for an hour, and it really filled her "Love Bank". They continued to talk in the days after that.

A week later, she came to me and said that she was aquiring feelings for my friend, and vice versa. I was hurt, of course, but proud that she had come to me so quickly. They both promised to end communication and work on our own marriages instead. (He's also married with kids.)

A month has passed. But on Christmas Eve I caught her sending a naked picture of herself to him. After Christmas, she finally confessed to everything. She had been continuing the emotional affair for the last month, and had met him at his work to have sex one time (that I know of). I was, and still am devistated.

I won't ramble on to much, but I just need to say that my wife is worth fighting for. She screwed up, big time, and she knows it. She has confessed, she's remoresful, and we're working on gaining back the love and trust that was lost. We renewed our vows to eachother on New Years Eve, and we're doing everything we can to fix this.

The moral of the story is, if the "most important needs" aren't filled by you, they will find someone else to fill them. I wish I'd found this site earlier.

~ StayingStrong32

I confronted the OM immediately, and let them both know that no more communication will happen between them, or there would be severe consequences.

In addition, I told him I would tell his wife unless he did. And he apparently has now...

I plan on confirming that with her this week..

I've also established some more strict boundaries with her. She can no longer spend any time with another guy without me there. I trusted her before to be able to do this, but she's shown that she can't.

Does anyone have advice on how to treat her while she's in this state of "foginess"?

Today I e-mailed the other wife and asked her what she knew had happened. Well, it turned out the guy was telling the truth, and he had told his W every last detail. The shocker was, he told her even more then my W told me.