Here I am again pondering the question is it over. <P>So many of you guys say... Everyone can wait different lengths of time. It depends on the person and the situation. Well, how does one really know if it is time to give up or not? <P>Spouse confused me even more this week. Trying to decide what to do. I had even put my application in at grad school - out-of-state. Getting excited about living my life for my son and myself. Now, I am not sure if now is the time. <P>ARGH!!!!!!! <P>------------------<BR>H

dhj,<BR>I can't really answer this with a "been there" thought, but I think you should move on and let your heart tell you when it is time. If it feels right then go for it. How could grad school be bad anyway? You will always have that married or not. Go for it!! If you start having doubts, make a list and do the pro-con thing. I think it helps to put things in perspective and you won't feel so bad about your decision when there are more pros.<P>Cracker

Thanks Cracker! Good advice. <P>I think I do need to do the pro/con thing on paper. When I think about it there are more pros to ending the marriage, but the reasons for waiting are BIG, MORE IMPORTANT reasons (only two of them). One is just not wanting to be divorced because of my commitment to marriage and the other is I feel my son should have both parents in the home. On the last one tho, my H isn't exactly the best dad. I could possibly meet and marry someone that would be better for my son. Plus I want more kids and even if my H came home he may have decided no more. Especially since the biggest problem is the balance between career and fmaily. His priorities are screwed up!<P>Thanks again!<P>------------------<BR>H

That was strange!<P>------------------<BR>H

dhj - I was willing to walk through fire for my W. I was willing to endure the pain of being betrayed, abandoned and callously disregarded for a long time when I learned how the vast majority of affairs die out and the betrayer usually comes home. For over four months, I lived in sheer agony while my W was living the life of Riley...going to Europe (my W and I lived in France for 1.5 years) on vacation w/ rich OM, travelling to San Francisco (where our love blossomed) and taking him to her father's cabin (where I proposed marriage to her 6 years ago).<P>One day (or so it seemed) I underwent a strange transformation. Almost without noticing it, I began to NOT feel the excruciating pain 24 hours a day. It was then I knew I was going to be OK. At the same time, I began to look forward to starting a new life on my own. I just said "enough".<P>Maybe I'm in the anger part of grief (God, I hope so...I hate feeling this resentment). I hope it passes soon.<P>I have given up on any reconciliation. I WANT the divorce now...and I NEVER want to see my W again as long as I live.

Thank you Shattered 1 for your enlightening response. Since I put up a post of how long, I think you provided me with some input as to what will probably happen in my case. I wasn't exactly asking when, I guess "how" or "what" will happen when it comes to that point. Very enlightening. I had that once before and so I understand what you are talking about. I had an ex-boyfriend who kept on threatening me that if I leave him he will shoot himself. I went through hell for a year. He would call me up and start crying and accusing me of going out with other people. I was so afraid and devastated that he was threatening to kill himself if I went out. I was basically a prisoner in my own home because I was terrifyed that he would do it. He would call me up at 3:00am and threat me with killing himself with a shot gun and he would click the chamber. I was a mess and so very scared. But, something happenned one day. I don't know. Like you said, a transformation, and I woke up a different person. It took a whole year. The day I woke up, he called me and told me that and I told him that if he was going to kill himself to go ahead and do it and that I was not going to be responsible or take his abuse anymore and for him never to call me again. And I hung up. I really didn't care anymore. All that pain, agony, terrifying thoughts, etc. were all gone.<BR>So, your story reminded me of how I felt and I suppose that is what might happen to me down the road again...transformation of a new me.

Katya - I'm glad that my story helped you. Although I'm still sad and angry, I no longer feel the terror and pain of the abandonment. I know that I will lead a productive and happy life WITHOUT my W. It's her loss...she will only realize it after she crashes and burns.<P>I didn't get a chance to read your profile...how long has this crap been going on for you? Also - whatever happened to the ex-boyfriend?

Thanks you two!<P>I must say that pain that lasted 24 hours a day is gone. I know I will be fine! Actually, I will probably be happier. I am working thru the... will my son be a happier, well adjusted adult without his father in his life on a day-to-day basis. The answer to that is there are no guarantees!<P>I am so on the verge of I want a divorce and I will never take you back. <P>I just worry that this relationship he has with OW will not die. I do not want her in my son's life. He deserves better. Anyone who can not only have an affair, but do so three months after their divorce (H cheated on her after she cheated on him). To top it of to be friends with me and to know my son. She is of very, very low moral character and I don't want her to influence my son. I just pray that even if I divorce him that their relationships ends - asap.<P>Thanks again!<P>------------------<BR>d is for dog<BR>h is for hope<BR>j is for joy, pure joy!<P>