First we have been married 18 years, and I am the bad guy I had an affair 8 years ago and it lasted almost a year from what I can remember, my wife found out when I broke it of with the other women. I was out of the house around 2 weeks and she let me back in, god bless her. I know I FU, plan and simple I begged for forgiveness and the saint she is and gave it to me.

For the last few years we have not been very intimate, once in a great while. She said it was menopause, so I didnt push it I thought I was being understanding to her needs so I never pushed the issue. Recently she has changed and I asked her just the other day what was wrong and she finally said she just doesnt want me to touch her anymore and that was the problem all along not the meno.

She states it is all from the affair. And would like to seperate and test the field, and if she thinks she still loves me after playing the field she will come back. So I asked her to go to counsling and she stated they cant do anything to get that out of my head, what kind of counselor should we see and is there someone who can help her forget this or is a mute point, and I should let her move on. We have two children who will be devestated if we split, and yes I should have thought about that years ago, I know im an AHole. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

It sounds to me like she wants to have a RA (revenge affair) with your permission. Not a good idea! What Extraordinary Precautions have you put in place since your affair?

Read all of these Q&A's to get you started:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

It is her choice whether or not to stay with you, I hope you know this and don't blame her if she leaves. Some people can never recover from such a betrayal and the only way they can forgive is to remove the offender from their life. She may NEED that for personal healing.

You may be better off in the infidelity forum (Surviving an Affair) for advice from those who have been there. We have both BS (betrayed spouses) and WS (wayward spouses, such as yourself) online here. Put on your armor, some things said may hurt.

My guess is that you haven't been meeting her needs. She may not have told you what they are either.

My advice is to move this to the Recovery or the Surviving an Affar forum. Also, print off the emotional needs and lovebusters questionnaire (located at the top of this website) and you and your wife fill them out.

It is extremely difficult to recover from betrayal. If your wife were to figure out exactly what you could do to help her heal from this, and you did it, she could possibly recover with you. If that doesn't work, she may need out. And regardless of whether or not she stays or leaves, you still to make amends for the damage you caused.

Sounds like work I know. It is. You can't be lazy. You destroyed the marriage with the affair, flat out killed it. Together you both probably had your faults that need improving to make the marriage, but you flat out put the death knell to it wit the affair. That was not the way to handle your issues as you've probably figured out by now. It's up to you to make amends for the affair, and it's up to both of you to fix the problems that were in the marriage before the affair.

Several marriages here have survived infidelity; it can be done. I would seriously consider seeing if she will do phone counseling with Steve Harley or attend a MB weekend together. Try that first.

If she refuses, there are still some things you can try. You can start by reading everything on the site here - read the infidelity forums, the basic concepts, any pertinent articles, and then print off the love buster and emotional needs questionnaires. There are separate copies for the husband and the wife. Even if she won't cooperate for the questionnaires, you can fill hers out the best that you can and begin working on eliminating love busters and fulfilling her needs. It will give you a hard copy to reference and look at while you try to be proactive about your marriage.

I'd also ask yourself what you've done to safeguard your marriage and protect it since you stopped the affair(s). You cannot expect your wife to believe any good intentions. She may require more than that as proof that you love and cherish her and won't stray again.

Good luck. It's true that some marriages don't survive infidelity, but lots of them do as well. I hope for your kids' sakes that you can pull this back together and be happy again. Hang in there.

A few things...did you ever profoundly apologize for what you did? Did you ever tell her that it was/they were the dumbest things you've ever done? Did you ever tell her what all you've done to sever those relationships? Are you open and honest about where you're going, who you're with, who you're talking to, texting, emailing, etc.? Openness and honesty are vital. Full disclosure is vital. Complete no contact with this/these other woman/women is vital. Basically, what have you done to restore trust?

Something like this may help too:

"I want to raise these kids with you. I want to grow old with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't talk separation or divorce; I only talk marriage. I have a lot of faith in our marriage, and I think we're both smart enough and strong enough that we can make this stronger and better than ever."

Did your kids come before or after the affair? Just wondering because it may help us understand where your wife is coming from in regards to her reasons for wanting to leave.

If your kids came before the affair, and she held on for an additional 7 years, there's more to this than the infidelity, imo.

You have a problem, Riverway. Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist for 35 years and founder of Marriage Builders says:


I would not ASK her if she is having an affair, but start quietly snooping. Hire a PI, put a keylogger on her computer, install flexispy on her phone, put GPS on her car, etc. Don't let on like you even suspect. Just find out one way or another.

When you find out, come back here and we will tell you how to handle this the best way.

You might want to click on the notify button and ask the mods to move this over to Surviving an Affair. Sorry you are here.

]

The solution to a lack of love is to learn to fall in love again, not to date other people. But I don't believe that is the real problem anyway. She is having an affair, I suspect.

First appreciate the comments, I have only cheated once but it was almost a year long off and on, the kids were prior to. She states she loves me but she doesnt want to be intimate with me.

She would like 6 months to a year to see if she can go find Mr right, and if she doesnt find him she said she would come back as we were meant to be together.

I have been a faithful spouse since 01, but I have not lived up to her expectations as a father, always gone, work to much etc.

I am willing to do what ever it takes to get through this but she is not so ambitous, when I mentioned counsling she said they were all whacks and could not do anything to change her thoughts. But I talked her into going, we just dont know what kind and who?

Mel is correct. Something is not right here from what I've read. Your w didn't say you were neglectful. She is now blaming your A from 7 years ago. You need to start snooping - there's a piece of this puzzly you haven't found yet.

Gg

This means she met someone. Are you snooping? Have you checked her phone and text records? Do you have a keylogger installed on her computer? Do this first, before any changes.

This is the kind of irrational fogbabble one would expect from an adulterer. Her comment doesn't make any sense.

Part of the reason this has happened is because you are traveling. Can you stop the traveling? If you are going to pull this out, you need to be together every night.

Counseling will pretty much be useless if she is in affair. You might get some use out of marriage COACHING without her, in order to stop her affair. [she will use counseling to be able to say "we tried counseling and nothing worked!" not to mention that marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate and don't have a clue how to save a marriage - most are not even pro-marriage] But you really need to find out who the affair is with and if he is married. Then we can help you work on saving your marriage.

Can you stop the overnight travel?

I assure you she has already found "MrRight" and is trying to stage this to make it look like she gets separated and then "well lo and behold, I met MrRight!!" She doesn't want anyone to know she is having an affair so this is being staged to cover her affair. Women don't just dump their marriages and children to "go look around." She already has someone lined up.

The solution is to uncover the truth, stop your traveling, DO NOT COOPERATE WITH ANY SEPARATION SCHEME, work hard to meet her needs and wait for the affair to crumble.

Her affair will crumble if you expose it because affairs thrive on secrecy. Once they are exposed to the world, the fantasy begins to crumble. 95% of affairs never make it to marriage because the very traits that made them possible, dishonesty, selfishness, kill the affair.

Just play it cool for now, stop traveling, BE NICE, and quietly hire a PI to find out who it is. Then come back here and we can help you.

This is what I believe is the missing piece of the puzzle. River, I've seen it happen here to often - please start snooping without her knowing you're snooping.

Gg

I have asked her and she denies seeing anyone or conversing with anyone, this was all done in a civil conversation I may add on the phone. And she is of good moral character and I may be naive but I do believe her,.

I dont see what snooping is going to do, just make me find out faster so we can get a D quicker. What are the benefits of this?

I really just want to make this work. We have been together for 26 years and married for 18.

River,
I was married 17 years and found my H in A with OW. He was also of moral character so I thought. Waywards in active affairs lie. For your own peace of mind you need to snoop. What if there is someone else? Finding out will help you save your M. Not finding out is a sure way of destroying your M.

Gg

I work away two weeks at a time

The benefits are that you have a chance of saving your marriage if you know what the TRUE problem is. If you want to save your marriage, then obviously you have to know what the problem is. Or if you do not want to be married to a cheater, you could decide to move on. But you still deserve to know the truth either way.


ok, if you want to make this work, then you have to find out the truth. There is no other way. If the engine is knocking, do you put a blanket on it and drive to Ohio for 6 months ["separation"]? Or do you lift the hood, diagnose the source of the knocking, stay and work on the car?


If she is having an affair, you would be the LAST PERSON she will tell. Most of the people here who cheated also have "good moral character." Having morals does not mean a person is perfect and will never fail. So yes, you are being naive.

The bottom line is that if you want to save your marriage you have find out the source of the problem.

Which is why she has fallen out of love with you. She is completely emotionally detached. And will stay that way until this changes.

Riverway, when I first read your story, I had exactly the same thoughts that MelodyLane expressed. She's been here a lot longer than I, and knows so much more of MB, its principles and what Dr. Harley has written and said.

The mere fact that the first thought that came to my mind was that you wife was having an affair of her own coincides with Mel's post means that I have to urge you to pay very close attention to what she says and suggests!

What you did does not excuse you or her. If she's engaged in her own affair, she has no excuse whether it's a "revenge affair' or not. Before you can even consider repairing what's broken, you have to find out the extent of the damage first.

Please listen to Mel and the other veterans here. Their advice and knowledge is the best going...

Then you are being a fool and will lose your wife. You came here looking for answers. We are giving you answers. Based on thousands of other couples before you and based on the advice from a professional who has seen it ALL.

We tell you these things because infidelity is like a science. There are stages, steps, actions, that everyone goes through when they have an affair.

They change.
They lie.
They become addicted to the other man/woman and do whatever it takes to HIDE that person from their spouse, and to get to KEEP seeing that person.
They depend on their spouse's 'stupidity' (i.e., niceness and trust) to let them do that.

You just handed your wife her chance to get to keep the OM on a silver platter.

Now, you need to get smart.

This is war; she is an alien in your wife's body, addicted to OM, and determined to lie to your face to keep him. She is NOT your old wife. She is an addict.

Why snoop? To determine the truth. To protect yourself with proof if she goes to the authorities and says you're being violent and has you removed from the home so she can carry on with OM in your own bed. (yes, they do that)

How about this. Sit down tonight, and start reading some of the other threads here, from Page 1, to see the exact same phrases your wife has given, and the same WEAK reasoning YOU are giving for not fighting for your marriage. You will see that those who fought, often got their wife back; those who tried to stay 'nice' lost their wives.

Read the one from Barnboy over in Recovery; it's an amazing story of him not wanting to listen to us, doing it our way, and getting his wife back.