|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245 |
You should never make a decision this quickly. I've seen people flipflop 4 or 5 times in a month's time here. Promise yourself 6 months, if you can, before you make a decision. A lot can happen.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 73
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 73 |
Cat,
I should give everyone a background.
Married 3/03
Son - 11/03
Daugter - 9/06
OM move in 4/08. EA started 7/08. PA started 8/08, D-Day 11/15/08
NC since 11/17/08
I stayed with some family freinds for 3 weeks but came home everyday to see the kids.
Eventually moved back in 12/1/08.
It's been over a year already and still dealing with the hurt everyday.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738 |
And I pull out the jack-of-all-trades card:
Call the Harleys. If you're seriously thinking about pulling out of the marriage even though the affair is over, it's the right time right now. A few thousand bucks for a bunch of phone sessions is way cheaper than a divorce, and even if you do divorce, you will leave knowing you did EVERYTHING you could have done.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284 |
Crusade,
If you are done, then you are done. It has been a year. This site is not a marriage at all costs site. It is designed for people to learn how to be in a good marriage and how to repair a badly damaged marriage. If you have given your all, then it is time for you consider ending it.
I will not fight you on that. You see no compelling reason to remain in a marriage, where your W has no respect for you. You see no compelling reason to believe she would not do this again. You are appalled that they would do this in your home and that you got to see it.
I suggest you talk with the Harley's as someone above just mentioned and that you speak with a lawyer as well.
JL
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 945
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 945 |
f you are done, then you are done. It has been a year. This site is not a marriage at all costs site. It is designed for people to learn how to be in a good marriage and how to repair a badly damaged marriage. If you have given your all, then it is time for you consider ending it. I agree with JL. No one knows you better than yourself. If you know you're done then you're done for sure. Some say here sometimes the D is the R. I like this to by Barnboy - something I strongly beleive in before anyone leaves a M. and even if you do divorce, you will leave knowing you did EVERYTHING you could have done. Chances increase you won't have regrets. Gg
Last edited by gg615; 01/05/10 06:44 PM.
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870 |
Crusade you need time to figure it out. now that you are here after trying to fly solo for so long you will start to feel different.
Please don't think you have to act on things right now before you give yourself some more time.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 945
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 945 |
Crusade,
I was wondering - is there anything that your WW could be doing that could change how you feel?
Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870 |
Crusade,
I was wondering - is there anything that your WW could be doing that could change how you feel?
Gg Good question
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 73
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 73 |
GG, Sort,
We actually talked about alot of things last night and she doesn't know what else she can do. She feel like we can't move forward into the healthy marriage until I am ready and healed up.
I told her the expectation that I have is able to feel safe to be open and honest around her without the fear of hurting her or feeling disrespected. I have tendacy to withdraw from arguments thinking I was doing the honarble thing and hoping to gain respect but I just grew more and more resentful towards her. If my W is able to change these things and make me feel safer there maybe a chance of a healthy marriage.
We also have to look into moving. I can't stand being in that house.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245 |
I would suggest looking into a therapist who specializes in teaching couples to learn how to communicate better. They can really help you learn how to interact in safe, healthy ways that you haven't done before. This would help stave off potential future problems, keep you both O&H, and hopeful.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870 |
GG, Sort,
We actually talked about alot of things last night and she doesn't know what else she can do. She feel like we can't move forward into the healthy marriage until I am ready and healed up. Well. What could she do to help you get over it? Thats kinda what im askin. She doesn'y know what she can do? Um ..just a guess but .. If she gave herself to you more than she ever did to the other guy.. wouldn't that help? Forgive me if i missed it if this has already been addressed. She feels like we can't move forward into the healthy marriage until I am ready and healed up. seems like she is shifting majority of blame on you still Just my opinion
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870 |
You still out here Crusade? Hows it going?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 73
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 73 |
Hi Sort,
I am still around. Been lurking around alot and reading other people heartbreaks and recovery's.
I am still in the marriage and we are both trying to work on this it's just an up and down emotional roller coaster at times.
The pain still & vivid images still haunt me and I am praying that I am making the right decision in staying and trying and not wasting years trying to fix something that is too broken. I know it that may sound selfish but I do want happiness, security, love.
My FWW is doing EVERYTHING possible in trying to make me feel safe in the process but I hit a brick wall when it comes to the intimacy and SF part. Most times I am fighting the images in the SF acts.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870 |
Did you guys get the books and /or sign up counselling? It will make a world of differeance in how fast and how well you recover.
Hang in there Guys
Last edited by SortedSomeOut; 02/08/10 12:07 AM.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931 |
Move out of that house and neighbourhood. They are both huge triggers. Not sure if this has already been suggested ..... Managing Memories by Mark1952 
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
On the first page of this thread c7 was told to move.
He still is triggering and in a stalled recovery.
Though he will not sell the house and move far away from the OM.
c7 is getting to do what he wants, to wallow in trigger land.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 73
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 73 |
Road,
I am not trying to wallow in trigger land. OM moved 7 states away the day after. He has contacted FWW twice and both times she told me immadiately.
One poster said that If I can't move to get rid of the furniture which we both have done. The suggestion of the move was made last month and we are willing to move and looking somewhere in the same town that fits our price range.
Please inquire about the facts before assuming.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 73
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 73 |
Sort,
We got Her Needs, His Need and we are going to counseling one a week. They have both been helpful.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 73
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 73 |
Hi Vittoria,
This has been suggested last month and we are in the process of looking at other neighborhoods in our city.
Thanks
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
c7
What has been done to prevent OM from breaking NC?
Was a NC letter sent?
How about an RO?
Were OM's email address/es block?
How long has it been since D day?
Did you and WW get new phone numbers, block OM's numbers?
Same with your emails, get new ones?
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
333
guests, and
76
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,622
Posts2,323,477
Members71,918
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
