She says she is trying do deal with herself and asks me to be patient with her. We have discussed divorce but right now the thought of not seeing my children ever day destroys me. I am a very loving father and a good husband. I dont go out or anything like that. I do most of the household chores and child raising.

My family tells me I should try to work it out for the sake of the kids. Am I wrong for trying to work it out for the sake of my kids?

She is unwilling to go to counseling. I asked her to go and she said she was not going to tell someone who didn't care in the first place her problems.

The first affair was very brief as she returned to me the next day. The second affair I found out about 2 weeks after it occured. She had been talking to someone on yahoo messanger for about 3 months when I checked the logs. She says it's over and ended it the day I found out. She insist it was a one time thing and only to find out if it was me or her as to why she did not enjoy sex any more.

My family tells me I should try to work it out for the sake of the kids.

She swears she only was with him once and ended it the day I found out which was about two weeks after the act.

She refuses to go to counseling as she says they dont help anyways and wont tell someone her problems.

She asks that I be patient and let her work through it.

"We need to be apart so I can find myself"

What a cute little euphamism that is, finding yourself or finding out who you are.

Many of my dear friends here no that I am a big believer in using a gentle touch on those unfortunate souls who either "Need to find themselves" or "Need to find out who they are" before they can come home to their families.

So, as a public service to these unfortunate souls I have composed

"Finding yourself for Dummies"

First, finding yourself...
1. If you can't find yourself, try looking in your shoes. More than likely you will be there.

2. Do not bother looking where your children or responsibilities are, though that would be a reasonable place to look we know you are not there.

3. If need be, go to the police station and give the desk sargeant an 8x10 or you and ask to have an APB put out since you can't find yourself.

4. Ask your child to point to their mom/dad, if you are not sure which one you are reach into your pants and feel around, if there is a penis there, you are dad, if not, you're probably mom.

Now one of these tried and true methods ought to help you find yourself, but it probable dark so let's help you see better. Reach behind you, palms facing you, arms hanging down and grab. That's your butt. Now reach in that and look for a large round object, that is your head. Now, with both hands pull as hard as you can. You are now performing recto-cranial extraction.

Ok, now you have found yourself. We are making progress here! Now we need to find out "who you are". This is not so hard. Look around the house - if there are one or more particularly short little people ask one of them, they are called children, they probably know the answer as it was one of their first two or 3 words. Not able to talk yet? No sweat.

Look for the full grown person with the red eyes who looks like they haven't slept in a while - they probably know. They aren't home??? let's keep looking.

Try looking in a desk or filing cabinet. Look for folders named "mortgage", "Utilities", Or "Marriage license". There will probably be two names here - you are one of those. So we have found you and narrowed it down to two people.

Now look and see if there is a wallet around. Remember that? Little pocket sized leather folding thingy. Look for something that says drivers license. There should be a name. Now find a mirror (Glass thingy in the bathroom), look at the picture on the driver's license and the face in the mirror, if they match, the name on the license is WHO YOU ARE. If they don't, check those papers you found - you are the other name.

Now that you have found yourself and know who you are go find the other full grown person in the house and introduce yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry I could not find myself or figure out who I was, I know now"

Next, knock off the drama, quit being melodramatic and start being mom/dad, husband/wife like you are supposed to and quit with the childish theatrics because the final piece is WHERE YOU ARE. This is called the real world where people depend on you to act like a grownup and keep track of details like who and where you are. The little people in the house are kinda sorta counting on you too.

If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny. That is how my XW found herself a year later. Trust me, my plan outlined earlier is better.

Ahhhhhhhhh.... okay, I needed to get that out since the day my XW took off into the sunset and another post yanked that rant out of me. If your WS tells you that they need time away to find themselves and discover who they are print it out for them. If they can't follow the directions make sure the door doesn't hit them in the rear and injure their head. There is a reason I harp on not putting up with crap from WS's who like to play little selfish games - if you indulge them they keep playing them.

I'm better now. Thanks for letting me take a good long vent... maybe I am finally getting my old, dead, buried, BS issues from the days before I met J out of my system.

What am I to do?

Consider leaving a serial cheater while you are young enough to find someone who won't abuse you.

Some of the family knows. She begged me not to tell her parents as they told her after she left me the first time they would disown her. I know she messed up but I refuse to hurt her as she did me. I'ts hard to tell your family nothings wrong when your a emotional wreck.

You have HURT her and your marriage by helping her hide her secret. You have ENABLED the destruction of your marriage. Affairs THRIVE on secrecy.

What you have done is nothing more than protect your wife from the consequences of her actions. Since there are never conseqences, she never learns from her mistakes. You can see the results of that strategy.