@terracotta Interesting to me that you posted your subsequent experience. I've used a similar technique a number of times: talk about the experience of a friend or relative as an introduction to a difficult topic with my spouse.
He then admitted to being involved in an emotional affair where he works out.(gym) He claims he has not shared his feeling with this person or done anything but talk with this woman.
So he has shared with you that he's in love with a woman from the gym, but he claims he has not shared this fact with her, correct?
Still, he does not want to end contact with her or this place where he goes to practice karate.
Of course he doesn't. No wayward ever does. They will always try to negotiate some way of keeping the other person in your life, whether because the affair is "emotional but not physical" or "physical but not emotional" or some other special circumstance to justify why this relationship should be treated differently than any other affair.
If he truly hasn't admitted his feelings for her, you can nip this crush in the bud. However, recognize there's something like a 9 in 10 chance he's lying to you about it. Waywards lie and admit to as little as possible to appear to be truthful. This is often called "trickle truth" and is brutal on a betrayed spouse.
Expect that, however far he's said it's gone, it's probably gone AT LEAST one step beyond that. My wife had a long-distance EA for several months but said it was never physical... and it was a few months into recovery when she finally admitted they had kissed and groped each other. I still have to trust that it didn't go farther than that.
Anyway, just plan on the probability he's lying about how involved he is or isn't. Don't beat him over the head with it, but just expect it, anticipate it, and emotionally ready yourself for the probability that it's gone way farther than he admits.
He seems a bit resigned to our failure.
Once again, every wayward acts like this. If it's possible to separate him and the other woman, he'll get over this withdrawal... but in the post-D-Day drama, my wife thought our marriage was over. She said "I never believed I could be the one to ruin a perfectly good marriage."
It's not ruined, just damaged. The two of you can repair it if specific steps are taken.
Suggestion: Start reading every article linked from this page:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.htmlObviously I've not been meeting his needs...
Sure, you owe 50% of the blame for the condition of the relationship prior to his affair. But DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE BLAMED FOR HIS AFFAIR. That was 100% his CHOICE. He could have dealt with this reasonably, come to you honestly, expressed his needs, and you could have dealt with it like adults. Instead, he chose to associate with another woman and become infatuated with her instead.
That's a teenage way of handling things. Adults communicate. So don't let him blame you for not meeting his needs... he has an obligation to communicate those effectively until you can meet them!
I am wondering how to handle this situation given he's not physically involved or so he claims.
Treat it like any other affair, because that's exactly what it will become if it's not stopped (and, as I mentioned earlier, probably what it already is but he's lying about it). Read up on "Plan A" and "Plan B". Set a time-limit for how long you can remain mentally healthy while letting your Giver control your actions without psychological damage to yourself. Show him how good he has it, that you're willing to change and better meet his needs, but set an end-date after which that is completely cut off if he does not separate from the other woman.
Go buy a copy of "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers. It's your bible to get through this right now. Get that copy TODAY; the next few days are critical to establishing how you're going to get through this.
Still, I feel really hurt and betrayed nevertheless.
Of course you do! He created this fantasy infatuation, lied to you about it for however long it's been going on, is breaking the one promise he made when you married, and by his statements wants to continue breaking his marriage vows regardless of your feelings! You have a right to feel hurt and betrayed!
He says he loves me but is not in love with me. (I keep hearing that line on these sites)
ILYBINILWY. Yep. Sorry, but when I hear that line, I call "BS" on the relationship not having gotten physical with the other woman yet. It's a dead giveaway that he's infatuated with her, and men typically don't get infatuated unless there's sex involved.
Neither do women, really, but some do, thus the existence of EAs.
He admits to having attractions towards other women in the past when he's been away on hiking trips etc but did not act upon.
It's totally normal to be attracted to other people when you're married. A healthy person discusses the attraction with the spouse and resolves how to manage it together, typically by avoiding the person to whom they're attracted.
He spends riduculous amounts of time at the gym and work.
RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG! My certainty has risen near 100% that this relationship isn't what he says it is!
I'm wondering if I need to cut him off if he decides to continue to go to this gym or meet up witht his person.
Suggestion #1: Get advice directly from the Harleys, by either booking time with them or reading "Surviving An Affair" IMMEDIATELY.
Suggestion #2: Set an end-date by which you will no longer be playing nice with him. For men, Dr. Harley typically suggests 6 months if he does not know them; for women, 1 month.
Suggestion #3: Write down your "Plan A" on how you're going to meet his emotional needs, avoid Love-Busting him, and win him back from the other woman. Plan to keep revising this as time goes on, and remember the goal of Plan A is to
persuade the wayward spouse to leave the lover.
Suggestion #4: Start writing down how you're going to handle Plan B if he doesn't cooperate and commit to No Contact For Life with the other woman. Figure out how you'll deal with finances.
Suggestion #5: Snoop your butt off. Computer keylogger. Spy on him at the gym. Bug his phone. Do whatever you can to prove and know without a doubt that he's banging this other woman right now... because based on your description, this sure as heck sounds like a "banging the chick in the car on breaks from work" relationship, not an "emotional affair" in which he hasn't confessed his feelings for the other woman yet...
Suggestion #6: Once you have a week or two of data on the true state of the relationship -- that is, snoop your butt off to be sure the affair is really there and needs to be busted up -- EXPOSE. Tell his mother and father. Tell his siblings. Tell your children. Tell all your friends. Enlist their support and ask them for their help and advice. Exposure to everybody who might have an interest in your spouse's affair is often the first step toward recovery.
I wouldn't expose yet, though... you don't know enough yet. You barely had your D-Day yesterday. Now is the time to dig, dig, dig, and find out if he's telling you the truth (he's probably not), and if not, exactly how involved he is. Get the evidence, and make sure you're totally sure about this before exposing.
You'll get a lot of advice about exposure.
Last note: By approaching the forum asking about your employees when in fact you suspected your husband the whole time, you're showing a clear tendency toward trying to manipulate things rather than address them directly. A big part of Dr. Harley's program for marital reconciliation is "Radical Honesty", and part of that is learning to deal with conflict directly but in a positive manner. You definitely have work to do on yourself, and you cannot do your husband's work for him.