She will be crushed that you and your wife lied to her and led her to defend her lying mother. This was a terrible mistake, jcp, and the solution is to right this wrong, not to continue in the deceit. Whitewashing the crimes of adults helps no one.

Everyone here is adamant about full exposure, since I've screwed everything up to this point, I will do it.

My fantasy version of this was that I tell the girlfriend, go home, sit down with my wife, show her the evidence. She admits, we talk for a long while, all questions are answered, she quits her job and ends all contact with the OM and we live happily ever after. I am seeing now that this is probably not the way it's going to go down.

Thanks You!

Remember to go nuclear on the exposure. Don't just tell the OM girlfriend... tell EVERYBODY you think might have any effect on your wife.

Don't show her the evidence... TELL her you have evidence. If she demands to see it, explain that you can't trust her with it right now because she's having an affair. If you keep her guessing on what you know, you will get more truth out of her than if you present all your evidence right away.

And if you present your evidence, she'll typically figure out exactly how you got it, and go further underground where it's harder to monitor her compliance with no-contact if she agrees.

Be ready for some rockiness, bub. D-Day was just the start of the worst month of my life.

You do not have to tell her where you get your evidence from. Just hold a letter which says "Private and confidential". Wiggle it a few times and ask your missus for further details.

Whatsamatter you never played poker before in your life?

She is an alien, NOT your wife. You would be discussing hostage release with a terorist. Would you trust a terrorist to 'do the right thing'? Of course not.

Do you understand what exposure is for? It is to burst the bubble of the fantasy she is in. Nothing more. It is to have her parents call her up and give her what for, for destroying THEIR family. It is for her dad to say 'I'm so disappointed in you' so she'll realize the affair isn't worth hearing that from her dad. It is for her best friend to (hopefully) tell her 'what the h&ll is the matter with you?' It is for OM's mom to say 'I didn't raise you to be a homewrecker' and grab him by the ear.

That is why you have to expose to EVERYONE. All at once. Because if you only call OMW, and they realize you did, you can bet their little fingers will be a'dialing everyone else to spin THEIR version before you can get to everyone else so fast you'll see smoke. Their version: jcb is violent; jcb is abusive; jcb has had a dozen affairs and I had to get away from him, and OM just stepped in and helped me through the horrors of what jcb did to me.

Whoever speaks first, is believed.

Call EVERYONE TODAY.

jcb, I wish it could be so easy, friend. What will really happen is that your entitled, wayward wife will blow up at you and deny, scream, rant and rave in an effort to cow you into silence and complicity. Your job will be to remain firm in your resolve and not react to her tantrum. She should be viewed no differently than a crack head who has just had her crack pipe removed. Or a bratty 5 year old who is not getting his way and is throwing a tantrum.

Once you present her with the evidence and ask her to leave her job, I would inform her that the girls are going to be told the truth. She can come with you to do that or not, but there will be no more lying to the girls to cover this up. That is unfair to them and only teaches them to be dishonest.

If she sees that you won't be cowed, she will eventually calm down. If she tells you to leave, respectfully decline and tell her you have no reason whatsoever to leave your home and will not do so without a court order.

Typically, wayward wives become very overly dramatic and manipulative when confronted with unpleasant consequences. As a leader of your family, it will be up to you to help her by not reacting to her tantrum.

you can do this, jcb!

I appreciate the advice about bluffing her.... However, I know my wife (actually that sounds kind of hollow, now) I will HAVE to show her the evidence...otherwise she will lie until doomsday. Confronting her with the actual email SHE wrote is the only thing I can think of to get her to admit.

jcb, just remember not to ASK her if she did, just tell her you KNOW. And tell her that lying about it will make this worse, not better. I understand you want to show her evidence but keep in mind that you don't have to prove what you both already know.

You don't need her admission to know the truth.

You don't NEED her admission. You already know the truth.

Tonight is the night...home at 5pm...

Wish me luck!

What if, during this, she says she love me, but still loves him?

Tell her "I know." You already knew this.

Have you reached the girlfriend yet?

That's why you don't waste time trying to get anything from her right now. You EXPOSE - to everyone ELSE. You don't even have to tell her you know, because she should start getting some phone calls from people as soon as you expose. Then she'll turn to you and scream at you, and you smile and say "I'm fighting to save my marriage. Want a cookie?"

Let the EXPOSURE stop the affair.

You are WASTING your time trying to talk to her.