Don't post much because I know people have to get tired of listening to whining and self pity, but here I sit and type anyway.<P>23 years (well on Valentines Day it will be), one affair that last off and on for 1 year and a few months), discovery was made on July 31st of this year and in recovery since then. He swears that he has no contact with OW. I do believe that he has not been with her as he "takes and asks" me to go everywhere with him. The only time we are apart is when he goes to work (midnights) and calls me when he arrives at work and tells me to call if I should wake up during the night (I havent slept a full night through since discovery). <P>I am at a lost right now. I still cry daily and just cant seem to put this behind us. I love my husband but the hurt is so severe that I feel I may never be able to get over his "one time" affair. My heart is so destroyed over this cancerous affair that I feel that I can't go on...not to the point of suicide, but that I believe <BR>divorce may be the only way for me to forget or to become an alcoholic!!!!!<P>I read the post here daily and often see how many of you are battling with a situation far worse than mine, but I am at my wits end!<BR>I know I cannot go on thinking about what has transpired, but what do I do???<P>

This may seem odd to you, but....<P>How about telling him that you "forgive him."<P>This isn't easy...<BR>And it isn't the same thing as forgetting...<BR>But it is much more empowering than a couple of drinks.<P>And... you should think of forgiving yourself too... it will go a long way to giving you the strength to forgive him!<P>Think on this...<P>Jim<P>---------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

I agree with NSR...forgive, pretend to forgive, act as if you have forgivien...that helped me tremendously. I have been where you are and it is so hard, but it gets better. Sounds like H is trying, but yes this crap really hurts and you sound like you're not ready to let go of that hurt. I wore my hurt like a badge of honor for too long...it got dull and I tired of it. I had to make a conscience decision to move on. <P>((((hugs)))) It'll get better. Keep coming here and let us know how you're doing.<P>------------------<BR>Joan <P>"Turn your wounds into wisdom..." That really cool black gal who was on Oprah all summer.<BR>

Star - 9 Margies and you're still CONSCIOUS?! Only kidding! - Just a little something to try and cheer you up. Yeah, don't go there. Take it from one who knows. As to your situation, I agree with joanie and NSR that you should work as hard as you can to forgive your H and let go of the pain (easy to say hard to do, I know), since he's confessed his affair and seems to be working very hard to make up for it, difficult and painful as I know that must be for you. Also, since your H is trying, it sounds as though your situation would especially benifit from couples counseling. If your H really wants to try and make it up to you, tell him you want him to help you work through your feelings of hurt and depression by going to counseling sessions with you. I bet he'll do it. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

hello stardazz, nine margaritas and you will be hurting tomorrow for sure. I admit I drank myself to sleep many nts after discovery, but not so sure it was therapeutic. After all, alcohol is a depressant.... just be careful with the stuff. As a temporary coping mechanism it worked for me sometimes. And there are people here to drink with! Think the advice is not to drink alone?! Sometimes you will find us here in the middle of the night toasting to a better tomorrow.<BR>Are you in counseling? If so, does it help you? If not, why not? Have you talked to your doc about anti-depressants? St John Wort or SAM-e?<BR>What do you do? How not to think about it? I am not sure that we can force ourselves not to think about it. I could not. So I thought about it a lot, and analyzed it to death-not that analyzing helped because the whole thing is illogical. I read everything i could find, and everything people referred me to. It helped tremendously!! <BR>It made me realize that there are other life plans for me than wallowing in self pity because my h could not manage to keep his pants zipped when out of town! <BR>Try to keep things in perspective star. Very hard to do, but knowledge helps. Learn all you can about affairs, why they happen, what others have to say about them. But most of all learn about yourself. Look at what is so damaged in your heart. What is it that hurts so bad? Work on you, and the relationship at the same time. <BR>I am still working on forgiving my h-it has not come easy. Somethings I have forgiven him, but others are not quite so easy. I am very loving toward him, but he knows that I have not forgiven him completely. I am remedial in that area...but trying.<BR>Find ways to communicate with your h that you are unhappy, but without lovebusting along the way. Tell him what you need to heal. Make sure that you plan fun things together and that all is not focused on the pain. And get out and get some exercise! It does wonders toward clearing up depression. It is something positive that you can do for yourself. (((hugs))) and cheers, cl