I agree with Barnboy relative to not all folks needing to feel safe foer sex. I know some people for whom it is merely a nice recreational activity or pleasurable bodily function, like taking a dump or eating a good meal. These folks can perform with just about anything that takes a breath,
But, many people are not comfortable having sex with someone that has hurt thme like your wife has done to you. I attribute this to not wanting to make themselves vulnerable.
As for the responsibility for fixing this, I agree , there is really nothing your wife can do. You may need meds to perform with her.
I disagree that this is not entirely her fault. If there is depression or anxiety that is interferring with performance, it is most likely linked to the betrayal, as there was not an issue pre discovery. Thus, she is directly responsible for having caused any lowering in testosterone or hormanal imbalance that Barnboy references.

Yup 'Zelmo', before discovery of her A's we rarely had an issue with sexual performance and I certainly did not have any depression/aniety issues concerns.

We were talking again yesterday and I was telling my wife that I just recently thought to myself that the act of sex is a trigger. The reason is because she had sex multiple times with 5 guys, so when we are about to have sex I usually get triggers for obvious reasons.

Not sure if it all connects, but it seems logical to me.

Makes perfect sense to me. One of my former teamates in college used to say about particularly promiscuous women that he stayed away because "they have been drilled too deep."
Your wife betrayed you. I think many men would have a difficult time performing with someone like her.

*thud*

He had a way with words. He was quite in demand, as well. Really good looking , smart athlete.

My wife had an EA, not a PA, and I'm anxious about having SF with her because I just know that I'm going to wonder if she's fantasizing about OM. It's not an issue now because she has no interest in SF at all, but (hopefully) that will change in the not too distant future. I believe that I'll be okay, but am a bit anxious about it.

That being said, if she had had a PA, I'm not sure how I'd react. To Zelmo's point, would I look at her as 'used goods', to be blunt about it. I really don't know, but I can see where failure to perform could happen very easily. I feel for ya, codtej.

Thanks 'Zel'...thanks all of you guys. 'Linus', trust me, I do understand about the 'used goods' point, its difficult not think about that, even though it was 21 years ago. It's burned in my head and very, very difficult handle.

'Linus', you talked about an EA and PA. I am not trying to hijack my own thread but I think there is a difference between the two. It almost seems from the posts on here, and another site I visit, that women think an EA is as bad as a PA. I totally do not agree with that. I do know an EA hurts, yes, and they are very bad, however you cross a line when you share your body with another person. Heck, my wife did both EA and PA, because she said she and the guys basically dated before she screwed them, so that is an EA.

I think some women think a guy doing a ONS with a hooker is better than having a LTEA with a woman, which I may agree with. But when your wife shares her body multiple times with multiple guys is WAY, WAY worse, IMO, than if she were chatting them up on the internet, or texting only.

Freaken sucks either way I suppose.

Can't disagree. As bad as the EA has been for me to handle, I know deep down inside that a PA would have meant the end to the M. Even though I've read of many situations here where the M was rebuilt after a PA, I'm just not sure I could do it. I guess it would depend on the circumstances. I think I'd feel different if W had a ONS and it was just physical vs. an ongoing PA where there was also emotion involved. I really don't know. I do know that the first time I saw a message that said 'I love you' from WW to OM, it hit me as hard as anything I can imagine. I even told her 'you might as well have been screwing him', because at the time it was just as bad to me emotionally.

I sure hope I never have to find out how I'd feel about a PA.

I was also thinking of something that probably doesn't help...I do have a slightly elevated blood pressure, so have been on Lotrel for about 2 years. Also I just had bi-lateral hernia surgery last month.

Maybe a combination of all of these things, especially my marital situation, is contributing to ED?

lol, ya think?

What are you doing to get back in shape after surgery?

Haha, yea 'CP', maaaaaybe. I just started to lift again at the gym. I had been going doing cardio only, but the doc said lifting, not heavy, is ok for a few weeks, then listen to your body and lift as you think it is saying to you.

I've lost a lot of weight, mostly because of the A's effects on my emotional state and eating only once a day....which is not good either for your sex life I would assume?

I've always gone to the gym, in fact thats how I got the hernia to begin with.

Ok, so now lets add them all up, my age, recent hernia surgery, blood pressure meds, eating once a day for 4 months, AND finding out 4 months ago that my wife had sex with at least 5 different men during our marriage....could all of this cause me to have issues during intercourse with my wife?

Hmmmmmm????? I hope there is light at the end of this damn tunnel.

I have a perfect solution for you. Find a culinary school near you where you and your wife can learn how to cook healthy food together. Great use of time together, great way to put extra-healthy food back in your body to build it up, great way to ensure you both stay healthy, together. And build up points in your Love Banks.

ETA: Can you tell I watched a Biggest Loser marathon last night, lol?

I really don't understand my head. We have been making love ok for the past several days, however I have not been able to 'complete'. I have been trying to relax more and to not think of, 'what will happen when I lose my concentration', and such.

As I reflect back, it seems that more often than not, passion is missing from our love making. Not all of the time, but a lot. And just this morning when we were 'doing it' I was thinking of crap like the weather, my garage, etc....WTF..!!!!!

Prior to Dday I used to have certain fantasies in my head and I would use them during love making, (not sure if ANYONE in the world other than me does this or not, but I know I did), now for some reason I can't pull them out. If I do now they cause hurt and they cause me to trigger during love making. I have a blank projector in my head now....blank or it plays movies that hurt.

My wife says she doesn't care and says we will get over this....

I dunno, I feel totally lost and empty.

You absoluttely need to lift to failure at our age. Get the book by Ellington Darden, "Living Stronger Longer: Your Second Middle Age". Weight training is way, way more important than cardio in terms of retaining youthful vigor. Cross sections of muscle fibers from 50 year old weight trainer showed the muscle to be virtually identical to 25 year olds. The endurance guys fibers were not youthful.
And, at your age , start looking into Cialis or Viagra. About 75% of the guys I talk to in their late 40's and 50's are using these. I man the use is really widespread and nothing to be ashamed of. Look at how the post menopausal women used meds.

You know, I actually spoke to my doctor about this, as one of The Leopard's "complaints" was that I didn't have the "staying power" I once did. Part of me thinks that's because of job stress, my back problem and just the ol' EN not being met, but still.

And my doc said I should go see a urologist. I thought doctors these days handed out Vitamin V like candy.

Fred, you are 58 for God's sake. I cannot dunk anymore, either. Par 5's seem longer. I know of few guys our age that are not using ED meds.

Guys, ED meds aren't all they're cracked up to be. I had ED issues for about a year before the bottom dropped out for us, and they helped contribute to M issues prior to the A.

For me Lotrel & Toprol contributed to the problem. For me Viagara had some weird side effects. Cialis worked just fine, at least medically.

The problem was it desensitized things, and it turned into marathon sessions with a newly rediscovered Washington Monument. It caused her pain, and turned into an aversion on her part (or parts.)

After D-day, the ED issues went away for the most part. HB and all that....go figure.

ED meds should be used with caution.

My H is 55; he's needed it for several years.

Well as someone starring at 65 and a male, I can say that I find I am much more sensitive to pressure, distraction, lack of sleep, etc when it comes to performance. I also know several guys my age who have been put on testosteron (sp) as the production of this does decrease with age.

Finally, I learned something at my last physical that suprised me. I went in and my blood pressure was 115/82 and the Doc looks at me and says, "it is now recommended that with blood pressure like yours, that you consider blood pressure medicine." I said, "I thought 120/80 was perfect." He says nope "we think now for good health it should be lower" I said, "Ok how about 0/0 would that do?" He said you would be died, and I said, "yes I would be but I would not contract any illness now would I?"

I looked at him and said "and if you start in on BMI, body mass index, I'll find a new doctor." The idiot that came up with that clearly did not know a darned thing about atheletic people."
Just a note, when I went to college just turning 18 to play football I weight 240, had a 34 inch waste, ran 3-5 miles daily, and was working out with 650 lbs on the squat machine 3 sets of 12. And I could dunk a basketball, good thing cause I also played basketball. My BMI would have put me in the "obese" category at 6'4". Wish I was that tall now.


My point, blood pressure medicine is being issued like candy these days and it will affect male performance especially as men get older. And it is based more or trends than science.

My recommendation: get plenty of sleep, allow time for you and your W to recover from what you learned, and eat better.

And do go see a Doc. You could have some issues, but make sure what he is telling you makes some sense.

JL

I've used ED treatment (Viagra, Cialis, Levitra) since I was 40. Cialis doesn't seem to work well for me. If you're using ED pills and you're experiencing headaches and feel like you've got a lamp-post between your legs, you're probably using overdosing a little. I experimented with various doses, basically cutting down until things were just right. A pill-splitter and a patient partner comes in handy if you attempt this .