In September of 2009 I discovered my wife had amassed substantial credit card debt. When confronted, she clammed up and didn't want to talk about it. I asked her if I needed to run a credit report or if she would tell me what I needed to know. She responded, "Go ahead and do the credit report." After digging into the bank records I discovered she has been lying to me for over 3 years about money issues. Without going further, I've got to accept a fair amount of responsibility for not paying attention. I am blue collar and she is white. She has a four year degree and is almost done with her masters. I very irresponsibly left all the responsibility concerning our finances to her. I felt she was more qualified. I foolishly thought that a college degree meant she not only knew the information she'd learned, but could impliment it as well. The debt is almost entirely gone, but with it, our all our savings.

All the digging through financial histories brought some odd charges to my attention - hotel charges. I've since discovered my wife had an eight month affair with a co-worker. It began in July of 2008 and ended in February of 2009. She still works with him, but is seeking employment elsewhere.

We've been together for half our lives. We're both in our early thirties. We had our first child while she was still in college. Her parents pushed for an abortion, stating that the baby would ruin her life. We got married a few years later. We've since had a second child. My children were always my primary focus. Since discovery, my ability to concentrate on them has diminished considerably. My wife also suffered from depression after giving birth both times. She developed some peculiar OCD tendencies which made intimacy between us strained and infrequent. She has germ phobias and a particular fear of herpes.

In August of 2009 we started couples counseling. We've always had communication problems. At the time I knew nothing of the affair, lying, or debt. She hasn't revealed any of these transgressions, only admitting to what I've uncovered (which makes me fear there is more I'll never know!). She says she is too afraid to talk to me about things that will make me angry. I've been told in therapy that though I haven't been physically abusive, by expressing my temper and rage I've been emotionally abusive through intimidation. I've been told that is sometimes worse than physical abuse. I'm working on containing my anger, but it has been a problem throughout my life (I've never lost a job or ended up in jail because of it... not like that's a pat on my own back, but just a point of reference). She is hesitant to reveal details of the affair, claiming she has heard conflicting advice on whether it helps or not.

My wife also has what I believe to be a drinking problem. She doesn't drink everyday (and since the affair almost not at all), but when she goes out to the bars she drinks a lot. There were many nights when she wouldn't come home until well after midnight. Sometimes not at all. She drives while intoxicated. There have been multiple times when she's drank herself sick. She once vomited on the bar while ordering another drink. In October of this year, she urinated in my truck while passed out. She actually carries around a big ziplock bag in her pocket after a night of drinking and once had to vomit in it while my boys watched her in the supermarket parking lot. What makes it all worse is that I don't drink at all. I'm borderline straight edge.

Her parents do not discourage her behavior. They steer entirely clear of our relationship. They now know that she had an affair, but not the extent. Her father told me that sometimes things just don't work out. He said he doesn't want to know the details and that the problem needs to be worked out between just the two of us. I've gotten the impression they wouldn't mind having me out of their lives.

Her whole circle of friends are unknown to me - all co-workers and former co-workers from the cities (we live 30 miles outside the city). It is as if she has 2 lives... now 3 since discovering the affair.

She says she doesn't want any of that anymore. She says she is ready to be a new person. I love my wife and she said she loves me. She has apologized numerous times, but I doubt her sincerity. She seems more sorry that she got caught than that she had the affair or lied so many times.

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I want to trust her, but feel a fool for considering it. I want to show her the love and affection she said she had the affair to obtain, but feeding the mouth that bit me seems foolish... and very difficult. Somedays I want to repair as much as I want to run away.

She has changed departments within the company and now works on a different floor than the OM. She still sees him every once in a while. She says she doesn't speak to him anymore. Just seeing him must make her feel something, though (she claims it doesn't)... don't really want to know what. I still dread seeing her go out the door each day. She has such a free schedule compared to me. I work in construction and get paid by the hour so every hour has to be accounted for. She can hop into the skyway and go wherever, with whomever, whenever. I cannot follow her everywhere she goes. I'm not a detective. I feel like having a keystroke logger program on the computer is dishonest. I feel like continued snooping is the sort of behavior that would make me a little more like her. Anyway, her excessive free time is how her affair started - going out to lunches with him, shopping together, or getting coffee. She would tell me she was working late and go to happy hours with him. The first time they had sex was after one of those happy hours. My wife has a job interview at a different company this Friday - hopefully it goes well. She has lied to me about so many things for so long that she seems like someone I never knew. She seems a stranger. It seems ridiculous, but the new job gives me pause too... just more potential affair partners.

I actually suggested a polygraph when I first started to search through things. She scoffed and acted like it was a silly thing to ask for. I also put a recording device in her car one day (felt absolutely awful doing it and I know it was wrong), but in that first day I caught her giving some guy a ride after work and flirting with him. She denied having any guy in her car at all until I told her I had a recording of it. She lies so well it scares me. Had I not put the recorder there myself I'd never have believed someone telling me she was lying. That night (this was about 1 1/2 months ago) I told her our marriage was done. I said that I'd done all I could and her continuous lies and constantly updated whole truths had worn me out (she would always tell me that I had the whole truth until I'd discover a new detail, then she'd reveal a little more). So I told her I was leaving that moment. She fell apart. She never cries. She shows only hints of emotion. That night she bawled her eyes out. She claims she had a moment of epiphany. On a previous occasion she'd told me, "I'm not going to go around crying about this." She says she now knows what she wants. I stayed. Since then she's been doing pretty well: avoiding the bar, spending time with the kids, seeing the counselor with me, showing slightly more emotion than before, trying to share her thoughts, spending significantly less money. The trouble is that I seem to be on a teeter-totter. It can happen in a single day. I hear a song about infidelity, watch a show where there is an affair, or see something that triggers a thought about her affair - and I'm moody just like that. She says she doesn't understand why I'm so hot and cold about it... which might explain her lack of remorse. I really don't think she understands how damaging what she did was and is. On another level I agree with her - I feel like I'm sabotaging our repair efforts.

Is moving one floor away from her OM enough? Can I really put my family's financial well being at risk just to get her away from this guy? Won't there just be another guy wherever she ends up? Are there some people who just can't be monogamous? Shouldn't my kids come way before my newly acquired insecurity? I mean, like the thread says... I'm more afraid that my plate is too small these days rather than too much being on it. It's unpleasant. In most social situations I feel as though I don't quite fit in. That's been the case most of my life. Until now, I never would have labeled it insecurity. I just thought my opinions were different than most peoples'. For the first time since childhood I feel weak and vulnerable - writing that makes me want to slap the sissy out of myself. If my grandfather were still alive, he'd do it for me.

Okay. I get criticized for this, sometimes, but research into a personality disorder is warranted, IMO,based on what you have described.
She is a habitual and accomplished liar. She has engaged in high risk sex and high risk financial behaviors. She has a CD problem. These are huge red flags for a personality disorder and her lying, CD and finanacial risk taking pre-date the affair, so it is not the case of a WS acting disordered as the result of cheating.
It may be however , that she has had multiple affairs, again, a sign of a PD. You , most likely, know the tip of the iceberg. Think it was mere coincidence that the very first time you used the VAR in the car, it yeilded results? She is adept at pickingup men, flriting, and lying about it. Flirting leads to cheating.
She sounds very damaged. Inquire acquaintences re her history. I bet these behaviors have been there a long time.

I don't think it was a coincidence. My MC has said that with time my intuition, which made me suspect her long ago, will return and I'll know if she is still cheating on me. He says snooping is a boudary violation that will keep me from having a healthy marriage. He said that if I am in a healthy marriage, another affair won't happen. He says that healthy marriages don't suffer affairs. Thinking back on events of past years I have begun to wonder whether there were other affairs. She used to travel for work with a male boss. He was quite a bit older than her, but so was her OM. She was 29 and he was 45. I think the boss she used to work with was in his 50s.

Deja Vu.

Mister, what your plans for addressing WW's alcoholism?

I don't know. We just got into it a bit in our last MC session. She denies there is a problem. She says that because I'm so anti-drinking my opinion about drinking means less. In my opinion, the only opinion that should matter is her husband's. Like I said, she doesn't drink everyday (that I know of, but I suppose I didn't know about her affair either). I have thought that I smelled alcohol on her breath before. She got a little offended when I mentioned it, as if I was paranoid... imagine that, a betrayed spouse being paranoid! She drank before I met her (at the age of 16). It isn't a new thing. She once missed celebrating Christmas with me because she was too drunk to come. Another thing, she gets really bothered when I revisit past transgressions. She says I never forgive for anything. I'd like to imagine that I just never forget. I'd be a fool to forget, right? My plan is to talk about it in counseling more.

Read this again:


It doesn't matter that she doesn't drink everyday (assuming that is even true)...she is out of control and self medicating with alcohol, spending $ and As...not to mention a real danger to herself and others (like your children). I'm no expert but the alcohol is your biggest problem right now. You can't expect good behavior from a drunk.

Oh boy, and you're paying this guy????

You should read up on what Dr. Harley says about snooping... What your MC said is exactly the opposite.

You should order the book Surviving An Affair if you haven't already. It's cheap but worth 1000x it's weight in gold. You'll find out that you're approaching this all from the wrong angles.

The affair is still on if there is ANY contact whatsoever. Working with the OM just delays the beginning of or any hopes of recovery for your marriage.

Is OM married? Have you exposed this affair to her job?

Welcome to MB. Start by reading, reading, reading.

I just ordered the book. I'm a little ashamed of telling everybody about the affair. I really can't imagine e-mailing her work's HR department. I have given serious consideration to telling the OM's wife about it. I sure wish somebody would've told me... well, if wishes are to be granted I guess I wish it never would've happened. What I'm saying is that I agree telling the OM's wife might be a good idea.

Telling the OM's wife is an absolute must! Morally it is the right thing to do. She has a right to know the truth about her life just as much as you do. Beyond that, she can be an ally to you so that you can both insure that the A is over. She can snoop on her end and watch her WH carefully while you do the same with your WW. This is not an optional part of the plan. You simply must tell the OM's wife.

Mindshare

Mr.M,

The problem is that you really have not been part of her life for many years. Her spending you knew nothing about. Her affair/affairs??? you knew nothing about and really know little more today. Her work you know nothing about because you are not part of her work world, either socially or functionally. And then there is the alcohol, which from the sounds of it, she really only does when you are not around.

Now you should know that Dr. Harley won't treat/address marriage problems if there are other addictions involved. He will after the other addictions are addressed.

Your W is a skilled liar because she has been practicing for many years. THe fact that she told you you don't need to know the details of her affair/s , is a sure indicator that she is not willing to share her life with you, and thus means you really are not part of her life.

As for the key loggers and such, she is an accomplished liar. Until such time that she demonstrates with honesty and allowing you back into her life, that she can be trusted, you are foolish to not be monitoring what is happening with her. She may be sick when/if she finds out, but I can assure you that you will be even more sick of it by that time. But, it must be done.

I wouldn't care what you decided to do except you have a family to protect and it is clear she has not been protecting the family at all. You need all of the information you can attain to make the best decision you can make.

Please read the articles here and then really start to think about a plan to address the issues. My base line thought is that YOU must become part of her life...a big part. You are not now and you have not been for years.

God Bless,

JL

I told the OM's wife about the affair today. Sent an e-mail to two different accounts. Feels like a weight off my shoulders. I also found a text from another guy she works with. He referred to her as 'cookie'. I told him to save the pet names for his own wife or girlfriend. I'd rather knock all his teeth out, but that's not a viable option. He apologized

You have to tell your wife's family so that they can help YOU help HER. Like any other alcoholic, she will never 'fix' herself until she acknowledges she has a problem - with everything. That's why they have interventions.