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I am so sorry, I am having such a crappy day! I am so heartbroken, I am typing and crying at the same time. I am going to buy the book. I told him a while back that I was reading and on this site to save our marriage and that I was getting great information and ideas. I am just so sad and emotionally a train wreck.
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What does Personal R in works mean?
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personal recovery is where you work on yourself as opposed to the marriage. Finding new fun activities, buying new clothes, getting a hair cut/colour, doing things for yourself that build you up.
Its a way of building up your self esteem after the beating it got from finding out about the WS's affair.
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday 
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Thank you! I just ordered the book. I think I need to have some Personal R. I hope I can stand strong!
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Cherrychip, you started posting here back in January and were given some very good advice. I don't know if you followed it.
The marriage will not survive with three people in it. The only way you have a chance at busting up his affair is to expose it...wide and far. And since he's already moved out, if he doesn't come home after the affair is dead, or if the affair goes on after exposure, you go plan B. Read up on it. You STOP fulfilling any of his needs. Let his OW try to fill all his needs. Sooner or later, she's going to start lovebusting him...reality will intrude on their fantasy.
He doesn't need to know about this site. This site is your weapon right now. He shouldn't know about your tactics until you enter recovery.
Right now he is wayward. Waywards will tell you ANYTHING. They will lie, cheat and steal.
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I did try and follow it, I collected more evidence and kept bringing it up and he kept denying it. Then I went soft had hope that he was going to stop. Again hid the recorder and blew on Saturday.
Your so right, I need to stop filling his needs, I send him pictures of our baby and I need to stop it! He choose the OW over me and our baby. I am making this easy by being nice. I wishe there was a strong pill I could take...I keep putting off the exposure because of upcoming events. Mother's day, his mom and dads 50th anniversary....they will never forgive him. I also know that he will choose the OW over his parents!
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I did try and follow it, I collected more evidence and kept bringing it up and he kept denying it. Then I went soft had hope that he was going to stop. Again hid the recorder and blew on Saturday. Cherrychip, You need to start follow the plan outlined here in MB. You are in emotional mess, following te plan helps you start thinking straight. You already started right thing by collecting evidence. But the next step should have been the exposure (and by exposure we mean not to tell WH, he already knows he is cheating!). Exposure targets are (copied from MelodyLane's post here ) OWH OW's parents, your parents, her parents employer if a workplace affair children close family and friends pastor the OW's facebook page will be a very impactful exposure - you send out a letter to all his friends Your so right, I need to stop filling his needs, I send him pictures of our baby and I need to stop it! He choose the OW over me and our baby. I am making this easy by being nice. I wishe there was a strong pill I could take...I keep putting off the exposure because of upcoming events. Mother's day, his mom and dads 50th anniversary....they will never forgive him. I also know that he will choose the OW over his parents! Please stop thinking about yourself as a fortune-teller. Rather think this - when in the future you ask from yourself: "Did I do everything to save my marriage?" and the answer is "No, because I didnt want to ruin WH parents anniversary" - then how weak excuse that would be? Focus back to the plan and expose properly.
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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recon6mo, Your correct, I hope my book comes today. Also I called and asked to meet with his parents. I would rather do this face to face. As soon as that is over I am going to blow it up on facebook. I am also going to call the OW significant other. Going to be a long weekend full of conversations.
I still have one more question, he is picking up our daughter from day care today to spend some time with her, should I sent him a message telling him that in she is not to be anywhere near OW?
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cherrychip, You haven't done a very good Plan A. Plan A is only meant to work on its own 15% of the time. That means most of the time it is meant to leave the WS with good memories of the BS when you move to Plan B and the WS now has to depend on the OP to meet all of their ENs. Throwing the phone, constantly begging him to end the A, crying is all highlighting you in your "betrayed" state ~ not attractive and makes the OW look even better. My advice to you is to do a very short stellar Plan A (maybe a week or two) while you are getting your Plan B lined up. If you feel you cannot do it that long, even for a few days would be better than nothing. Here is Mr. W's list of do's and don't's of Plan A. Study it, read it several times a day, before and after each interaction with your WH: Do's
1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)
DON'Ts
1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP If you decide to go this route, remember, Plan A has no expectations ~ that means he will be continuing his A, just accept that and try not to control that part of it. You said OW's FB page is "private" but can you still access her friends list?? If so, let us know and we will find Melody's template to send to her FB friends. You need to expose this homewrecker ASAP.
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cherrychip,
As someone else said you started posting in January 1 and all this time has gone by.
You keep waiting for your WH to fill your ENs.
Understand this, which took me forever to understand. Right now he is not your Darling Husband...he is an ALIEN. He walks and talks like your H but once the A started everything he will tell you is a lie to protect the A.
You can not reason with him, guilt, cry, all the tactics you used before in your M. Will not work and all it will do is reinforce that he is picking the right person (not you).
You know he is having an A, He knows he is having an A. Why do you need him to verify this? To prove you are right...STOP.
Your best opportunity is to expose at WORK. Like you I delayed and by the time I did it was already too late. I am divorced and my XH is planning on marrying the OW in the fall.
There are letters on this site to send to HR. Your H could always get another job. Like you I was terrified about him losing his job, being embarrassed, financially and the list goes on.
If I had acted immediately and not given them more time to go underground I might still have my M. I will never know.
You need to take action. Stop worrying what your H is telling you.
How do you know when a wayward lies? when they open their mouth.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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SusieQ, Yea, I did not follow the plan completely. I did remain positive and put on the happy face, the only thing I did not do was expose it. Which I now know is a must.
He has already left the house but he sends me texts and calls,tells me he misses me and wants to come home can I still use plan A for that?
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There you go CC, you have a PLAN now. EXPOSE and Plan A.
Any questions on that?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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You will need to go to Plan B soon though. Your plan in Plan A is also to get ready for Plan B. So when are you going into Plan B? Pick a date(1-2 weeks from now).
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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He has already left the house but he sends me texts and calls,tells me he misses me and wants to come home can I still use plan A for that? Until you go to Plan B, of course you may respond. Tell him that you love him too. Don't acknowledge the rest. Your Plan B letter is going to specifically outline a plan for him to come home. Be nice, be pleasant. When you are planning on seeing him, look great, smell great, have a big smile on your face. Touch him a lot. You want to leave him with an absolutely positive picture of you before you shut out all the lights and go pitch black.
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And get ready for his anger when you expose. DO NOT RESPOND TO HIS ANGER. He will accuse you of everything. He will tell you he was ready to give up the OW and come home but now "you ruined everything".
Trust us, whatever he is going to say to you, at least 20 people on this forum have heard similar statements. They all read from the same script.
Don't respond to his anger. Change the subject. Offer him a cookie.
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SusieQ, Yea, I did not follow the plan completely. I did remain positive and put on the happy face, the only thing I did not do was expose it. Which I now know is a must.
He has already left the house but he sends me texts and calls,tells me he misses me and wants to come home can I still use plan A for that? Yes ask him back or even if he doesn't come back you can still do Plan A. Pls check OWs FB page and let us know if you can access the friends list ASAP.
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Ok, so I exposed the affair to everyone, the OW boyfriend, his family and his work. He has been moved out since May, I am now getting his anger...the worst ever, said I have ruined his career.
He says there is no way to repair the damange now, says I have turned his family against him.
Am I now at the bottom, I am hurting so bad I have asked him again to reconsider working on our marriage...I cry constantly...how do I get through this....
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What is your plan? Are you in a SOLID PB? You first came here in January. 8 mos is too long for PA plan (?).
Why are you "getting" his anger? PB is zero contact. You IM should be filtering out this stuff.
You realise by now that you "sad sacking" all over the place is NOT going to bring him home. Your pain means NOTHING to him.
Why are you here now? What can we do to help you devise a plan?
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Ok, so I exposed the affair to everyone, the OW boyfriend, his family and his work. He has been moved out since May, I am now getting his anger...the worst ever, said I have ruined his career.
He says there is no way to repair the damange now, says I have turned his family against him. Don't you dare take the blame. YOU didn't ruin his career and YOU didn't turn his family against him. HE did that 100% HIMSELF with his lies and adultery. Am I now at the bottom, I am hurting so bad I have asked him again to reconsider working on our marriage...I cry constantly...how do I get through this.... Girl, you stand up and put on your armor. You are fighting for your family. He is trying to bully you into backing down and shutting up, and it's working. Don't let him do that to you!
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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I do need to put up my armor, I am scared, how long does it usually take for them to come back when there is no contact with them? What do I do in the meantime? When do I begin to actually start healing?
I do have to meet him a few times a week and drop off the baby and it is so hard! He said all the way up until Friday that he wanted to come home and I kept saying you have to break all contact with OW. On Saturday he said it was over and will never be right.
I definately understand that Sad sacking is not getting it, neither is anger, I am I supposed to be indifferent?
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