I am very new to this group, and to be honest, I have been reading, searching, and praying for strength to get past my Wife's A.

Without going into too much detail, I caught her. Slowly I began to find out more and more lies that left me feeling like a fool.

Anger flooded me and I had to focus on work and sparing my kids the crazy arguments we would have.

It is annoying to say the very least how the person who is having an affair accuses you of being crazy...until they are caught. Classic.

I have been reading posts for awhile and getting some good advice and methods of dealing with all of the consequences of her behavior.

At this point, I can barely think straight, let alone make any decisions. She claims the affair is over and blames me for ignoring her needs. Well, I admit sometimes it is hard when I am working so many hours to provide her with all she wants and needs. I love her, but her actions have crippled my senses. I suppose that even though I am a private, yet sensitive guy, that is why I have posted.

I am curious to know if people reach a place where they can truly move on-truly forgive? I have read all the principles of Dr. Harley's philosophies, and I have also dug deep to separate the pain of her actions to find the true heart of my love for her. Everytime I feel a bit positive, I am yanked back to reality.

My D Day was on 11/5/09 and it feels like yesterday.

She doesn't know if she wants the marriage since I can't seem to move past it. And I don't know if I can.

Does the anger ever go away?

I am wondering if a real recovery is possible. Thoughts?

Surely this has been covered, but like I said...I am new here, and rarely visit support groups.

(I will work on the abbreviations. It is kind of the last thing I am concerned about!!!!)

Real recovery is possible but it is hard work and takes discipline. It took me over a year to forgive my H...that does not mean I do not get angry, sad, etc, anymore. He can still be an [censored].

R is a process and your Dday is very recent. Don't expect miracles overnight. There will be many emotions and stages of grief that you will go through...for years.

Not meeting WW's needs is no excuse to have an A so don't get caught up taking the blame for HER actions/choices. No one made her do anything she didn't want to do. You own your part and she needs to own hers.

Welcome to MB.

I think the truth is that some folks get past it and are happy enough in a recovered marriage and some simply do not.
On this site, there are a fair number of BSs who have healed and are happy. But, I think this site, because the participants were both highly motivated, may not be representtive of the general poulation of BSs and WSs.
From what I have seen and read, the makeup of both parties is the critical , determining factor. Some very goo, kind, humble , forgiving BSs simply cannot go on in a marriage once there has been infidelity. The owner of this site, Dr Harley, is , apparently, on record as saying he would divorce if his spouse was unfaithful.
The response of the WS is of critical importance, as well. I think you can disregard soem of the intial response from the WS, to some extent, as a high % do not express remorse or act honest;y for a period of time after discovery. Yet, some do, eventually get it and take responsibility for botht ehc heating and the hard work required to recover.
Others continue to justify and blame, indefinitely. These types of WSs are best left, IMO.
One way to expedite discovering what type of WS you have is to make sure the WS feels all the consequences of the affair. This means exposing it and setting up boundaries for future behavior.
Once again, the initial response is not always representative of the ultimate reaction. Typically, they go ballistic and get very mean. If this endures past a certain point and you are not seeing her get it, you have to start thinking of yourself and getting away from the abuse.
Read the Plans. Plan A seems counterintuitive, at least the part described as the "carrot" part, as many BSs are so hurt and pissed that trying to be an emotional need meeter is distasteful. So, make sure to implement the second part of Plan A, as well, the exposure and boundary setting part.
After a period of time, if Plan A fails to stop the behavior from the WS(and , according to Dr Harley, Plan A is successful about 15% of the time, then you go to Plan b, where, essentially, you go dark and remove yourself from your WW's abuse and let her see how life is without you.
I think the kkey is to , at some point when you are less traumatized and can think a little more clearly, make an assessment of both your owwn personal tolerance for remaining with someone who has betrayed you and the capacity of your Ws to take responsibility and rebuild. I think it is recommended that you make no final decision on divorce for a year or so.
BTW, sorry about what has happened to you.

Actually a few more details would help.

How long have you been married?

Do you have kids?

Who is the OM (other man)?

Is he married?

Do they work together or are still in any contact?

Was it an emotional adultery and or physical?


If they are in contact this is a lie.

You can take accountability for your negative contributions to the marriage only, but you were in no way responsible for her decision to commit adultery. She carries that burden alone.

BB,

""She claims the affair is over and blames me for ignoring her needs.""

Exact textbook wording from the wayward manual. Rather a selfish response, but what are the WW but selfish to the core?

Claiming the A is over?? I am not too sure.

She does not sound too remorseful and filled with guilt and humiliation. She sounds defensive and is angry the jig is up.

""She doesn't know if she wants the marriage since I can't seem to move past it. And I don't know if I can.""

Dude, you still have a steaming open chest wound from where she ripped you heart out through your sternum. You are still in shock from the trauma.

You are not going to MOVE past it, but maybe, in time, you can adjust and learn to LIVE WITH it, with her betrayal. Don't even think about moving on, or forgiving, or digging deep into your heart right now.

You are now on our LONG roller coaster ride of emotions. Sorry you must be here.

Has she sent the NO CONTACT letter to the OM? Is the A over? In your mind and gut is it over? Did you expose to the OM' wife if there is one? Does she work with the low life? I hope not.

Does she want to rebuild and re-commit to the M?

Waywards ALWAYS want YOU to GET OVER IT!! MOVE ON!!

Being betrayed by your spouse is akin to a death of a child or being raped. I would say closer to being raped.

Ask her, next time she tells you to move on, "And how quickly would you move on after some monster brutally rapes you?"

IMHO

kirk

She sounds very foggy and I would continue to snoop and verify no contact.

Along with Krusht's questions, I'll add:

How did the affair end?

Was a no contact letter sent?

Would she mind if the blood dried on the floor first from her knife in your back? Or is your squealing from the knife in your back too bothersome for her?

See, adultery is as traumatic as rape, physical assualt or the death of a child. It is unrealistic to imagine that you would "get over" such an assault in 2 short months. You are looking at YEARS if she does everything in her power to make amends for her crimes.

What is she doing to make this up to you? Has she answered all your questions about her affair? Has she ended ALL CONTACT [and I do mean all] with the OM? Has she opened up her life to you to prevent this from ever happening again?

If all that has happened and you are working to repair the damaged marriage, then you should 'get over it" in 2 to 5 years. I would refer you to this article about recovery from an affair: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

see video and article here

blindedbymylove,

You have been fed crumbs from your WW.

I read a very good book called "TORN ASSUNDER" by David Carder that states with no doubt that unless your WW shows some "GODLY SORROW" for what she has resorted to, there can be no reconciliation.

There may be many that will tell you that this is not true, but , I do believe that without that regret and sorrow for what she has done to you and her family, reconciliation will be a fleeting thought, at most.

Let's be clear: Your ww's choice to engage in an affair will never be solely your fault. Your fault lies in the condition of your M that left your WW vunerable. That does not give her carte blance to go out and engage in an affair.

Your WW has a long way to go to be come a repentant spouse and this will eat you up one day at a time.

For the time being, forget about forgiveness. concentrate instead, on how to restore love and affection in your M.

Forgiveness is not a starting point. It is rather the culmination to a restored M.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Did you have her write a No Contact letter that YOU sent to the OM?

Thank you all for your quick response, it did not go unnoticed.

I realize that I am on an open forum, and I will give the details of our "state" and how we got there, but I have to admit, Plan A is simply not for me. Absolutely not. I will work to try to keep our marriage together, but I am sure there are a multitude of steps I can take. Trust me, she will see right through it. Since I am relatively private, a complete exposure will only make me feel worse on many levels, namely I don't want to feel like airing it out for all to see. Not that I think it is a bad idea, but I simply don't operate like that. Doing otherwise would betray myself.


OK....(deep breath)

In a nutshell, I knew something was going on because my once sweet WW was becoming distant, crabby, and funny enough...accusatory. As in, she became increasingly interested who I was on the phone with, what I was looking at on the computer,etc. "You would never fool around on me??"

For some reason that really stuck with me. Of course I wouldn't! Is it that hard to believe I am absolutely happy with you??

She had been having an EA for roughly 6 months. According to phone records. (I had to look into it and every fiber in me was praying I was just being a jerk. I have no problem admitting I am wrong, but this time I was not.) But I still looked into bank records, kept a closer eye out for her "girl's night outs"

OM was a mutual friend's friend. My friend and his wife exposed her PA to me, but he did not want to, who could blame him. Affairs really ruin or test everything.

Frankly, I don't know much of the details and I really don't want to. (She claims it is over) Such as the texts, the FB relationship etc. And her closest friend won't talk her since she informed her.

She claims that she ended it before I actually found out. She felt guilty, hates herself...all the usual BS...and I don't mean betrayed spouse.

She gets angry when I get angry, which happens. I want her so badly. Or do I want the woman she was before she betrayed our family. I really can't escape the scenes in my head. THAT is really driving me crazy.

I do not know him. I'd be afraid of my reaction, and so is my WW. I think that blown secrecy and my own incredible rage (I told her I'd destroy him, even though I would not. I would like just one solid jab though. haha) has her very nervous. I told her I want all passwords and she agreed, but we still go around and round.

Yes we have kids. No, they do not know, they do NOT need to at this point. They are kids, not adults. If we divorce, we will delicately handle it from there. She is a great Mother. We have been happily married for almost 10 years. And just like that...poof.


Thank you all again. I am trying to open up, but frankly, it almost feels worse. Like I am betraying her. How lame is that??

Um...who betrayed whom?

Great moms do not cheat, IMO. I bet this is not her first affair. Ask for a polygraph.
If you do not want to expose, you run the risk of her continuing to cheat.
Your wonderful, sweet, wife has shown you what she is capable of. Doesn't sound too wonderful and sweet to me.

Listen, I know who is getting let down. I am only telling you my heart, I don't need to be told I am essentially stupid.

Support comes in many forms and I am not looking to enable her. And, I stand firmly behind the fact she is a great Mother. She happens to be a less than desirable wife. I know this for certain,

I'm truly sorry for you,

You are actually "blindedbymylove".

good luck and God's Blessings,
Jerry

As is your right!!!

Me neither. I'm of the "beg for forgivness" club.

Best of luck!!

Thank you Mai Mai,

I know this situation is devastating for everyone, but a couple of responses were pretty cold. I don't mind opinions, even harsh ones, but a little sensitivity goes a long way. Thankyou.

Well, if you don't want to follow the advice here, if that isn't 'you,' what exactly are you looking for?

No, you have me mistaken. I want to understand how to deal with my emotions as a result of this horrible experience. Besides, I have heard some very good replies, and am looking forward to more.

Catperson, have a little faith in those searching.