I think you should walk away now while it is relatively easy to do so. Take this from someone who also gave a cheater a chance - only to go through much worse from her years later when joint property and children make it a lot less easier to walk away.

BC, I can't address the Catholic question, but apparently Ted Kennedy could. That's all I'll say on that topic.

But for the rest, I so identify with you. I also see the deluge of comments coming your direction from people I've read and learned to respect all saying the same thing: Stay in your current marriage, the way it is, and you are asking for a future filled with heartache, health problems, PTSD, and life that surrounds you and chokes you at every turn. Is this what you truly want?

I met and married "the leopard" (my new nickname for her) because I found her delightfully alluring, charming, caring, like-minded, determined, and a host of other attributes that just shouted at me: She's.The.One.For.You.

Never mind that she'd been married three times before. That she'd left each and every husband. That she even left her children. That she was financially irresponsible and owed the IRS unpaid taxes while ruining her own credit, overdrawing her checking account -- and not even buying extravagantly! She appeared to be quite health-oriented, and very conscientious about looking good. I didn't know that she was a binge-and-purge eater, and is currently paying the medical consequences for being so. That she has decided to return to smoking after having been abstinent for so many years is a testament to how dedicated she is to the "healthy lifestyle."

No, BC, that's on me. Folks here -- as well as my very own DD27 -- saw things more clearly than I did. The were all there waving brightly in front of me. I chose to ignore them, believing that "this time it would be different." Now you see why I've chosen to refer to her as the Leopard. Spots don't change...

You and I and our stories share a lot of similarities. I'm still wrestling with the sleep issue (see my thread title), I've lost the mandatory "my-wife-is-having-an-affair diet" weight loss, and I have moments when I supremely sad that things have turned out the way they have.

The good people here have guided me and supported each step of the way. They have allowed ME to make my own decisions, and then showed me how to proceed. The biggest lesson I've learned here is that no matter how things turn out, I need to be good to --and for-- myself. It's why I continue to inhabit this forum. I am not likely to be one of those whose marriage was recovered, but I may be considered one of those whose marriage SHOULDN'T have been recovered. The "win" in this situation is that I have learned from, and am trying to incorporate MB's principles into my life moving forward.

Please think long a seriously about this, BC. If you want to recover your marriage, the pros here will go overboard helping you do so -- as long as you let them, and follow their proven tactics and techniques. However, you first have to come to the decision that recovering your marriage is indeed, the best thing for your mental, physical and emotional health.

I wish we could just go back to the days described by Nathaniel Hawthorne and just require all waywards to wear the letter "A" in full public view.

Well, we'll see. So, since you are studying accounting, you know that "sunk costs are irrelevant to future decisions"? You understand that concept is applicable here w/ your marriage. DUDE

lol, maybe so, but at least we don't have to keep a snow shovel around.

No prob, w/ all the HOT people up here like me, the snow just melts as we walk by it...DUDE

I get what you are saying. If we are going to use financial metaphors I guess I am a stop loss guy. I have my limit in mind. If my limit is passed I will protect myself in whatever way I need to.

It would be very easy to make a rash judgment. I, much like she has done in the past am painting a pretty one sided picture on here.

I am willing to take the time to make sure whatever my decision in the end is that I don't have any regrets.

Yes, my best friend betrayed me. Yes it hurt. A lot. More than I ever thought it was possible to hurt. Just three weeks from finding out I am in no position to make anything other than a rash emotional decision.

If at some in the next few months it becomes clear that she is unwilling to work on herself I will take my leave.

Well, further feeding the financial concept of conservatism, maybe some put options might be a hedge. ie just do a little calculating on how better you might be if you took the out. Is her rate of return positive or is she a cash drain on you??!! DUDE

You should be paranoid. I bet you know the tip of the iceberg with this woman. She is manipulative to the max, a habitual liar.
You are young and have no kids, right? I'd bail asap.

I agree, totally. Happened to me. You will be lonely as hell with a spouse like this.

Another very good day today. Nothing to report from key logger or any e-mail accounts.

We had a very long conversation last night and she definitely seems to "get it."

I think because I was having one of those trigger days yesterday I neglected to talk about some other things about her and us.

My wife's selfish and cruel behavior was only during the A. In order to assuage her guilt she justified her behavior by blaming me and my troubles. She also had a female friend that I would describe as a meddling enabler that helped things along. This friend is out of her personal life and only has a professional relationship with her now.

When my wife is not wandering and doing mental gymnastics to relieve her guilt she is truly a special person. She is extraordinarily kind, loving, and patient. She has some growing up to do for sure, but she has made more progress in 3 weeks than she did in 13 years.

I am really blunt with her about everything. When I tell her how the A made me feel she cries. Not the crocodile look at me type of tears, just quiet sad remorseful tears. I think she really understands how much damage she did. She is making a very strong effort and I am proud of her, but I am firm in my requirements. She knows what has to happen and that it is non-negotiable.

Our LD's are really starting to build. Between discussions about the A we are like two love sick teenagers lately. I know things can go south again in a hurry so we are going ahead with catholic marriage counseling (very recovery oriented) and I am sticking to my guns on full disclosure.

On a side note, "Frank" tried to contact her at work today. She hung up on him and called me immediately. We think he might be obsessed with her. I think he is also stalking her on the internet and we get a lot of caller id blocked calls with no one on the other end. I am pretty sure it was him because one of the calls showed up on caller ID as being from the town he lives in. She is becoming afraid of him and very upset that she exposed me to something like this. She wants to get a restraining order if it keeps up. I think we may go get one either way at this point. She is also thinking about telling her parents the whole story. Her Dad is an attorney so his help would be tremendous.

Anyway, things are progressing. She has only balked at the terms a couple of times and has apologized profusely afterward. Oh and she gets paranoid when I am quiet for a while. She is very worried about my plans.

You haven't told her parents about her affair yet?

I'm all for a BH working with a WW who is remorseful. The thing about your WW that gives me pause, and others have mentioned this, is that she gives me the impression of a woman who won't change her spots.

My gut tells me she is someone with deep emotional scars, likely out of some sort of childhood abuse. She's awfully flaky about getting attention and needing constant attentiona and seeking it elsewhere if she's not getting it right away.

That means there is some deep psychological scars.

I strongly advise you that you make therapy for her a requirement for reconciliation. You should ask her to see someone for a long period of time to help her understand why she does what she does in terms of attention from men and how to stop it.

The why someone does something isn't as important as the behavior itself. For example, I know why I'm fat and need to lose weight. I overeat for various reasons. The important thing is that I not continue the behavior and correct it in order to change.

Therapy can help her change her behaviors. You're otherwise just temporarily correcting a problem which will surface later.

No. They know part of the story. As long as she remains true to her words about NC I do not intend to disclose the rest of it. Her family knowing about "frank" would be rather explosive. There is a history there that would take me pages and pages to explain.

Exposure is about destroying the fantasy world and ending all contact. I have accomplished that and will keep the other stuff in my arsenal as sort of a nuclear option. If he keeps trying to contact her though we might have to speak with them either way.

The fantasy world she lived in is dead.

Oh there is a very deep scar. She grew up with one of the most toxic people I know of. Her brother on a daily basis throughout their childhood abused her emotionally. There was also some very brief and very minor sexual abuse from him. No actual molestation or anything like that happened but the line was at least blurred.

He also used to play really cruel jokes on her. She was really heavy as a child and he used to tell fill her head with the idea that some boy had a crush on her. He would then sit back and laugh as she proceeded to act on this and embarrass herself horribly.

He is still quite abrasive today, but not blatantly abusive.

Her parents strategy to deal with it was to heap praise on her. As a teenager they lavished praise on her and when she made mistakes they blamed everyone else on her behalf. Today their relationship is literally obsessive praise and words of affection.

They refuse to see their children as anything but perfect. When her brother cheated on his wife and divorced her they blamed his wife. They said he needed to be happy and the affair was justified by his wife's shortcomings. They never even once condemned his infidelity and still will not do so today. He is getting married again in May and it is obvious how that will end.

So we have a very beautiful and truly kind young woman that on one hand is convinced that she is ugly and worthless and on the other hand convinced that she ***** gold bricks. It is very difficult to deal with when she is in either mode.

She told me the other day that she wished her parents would take a moral stand on something with her and actually teach her something other than how to justify poor behavior.

I am definitely going to have her do therapy. She is at a point in her life where she finally has some clarity and I believe there is a real opportunity here for healing.

I pretend to like her brother but every time I see him I just want to punch him in the throat.

Get her this book: Healing the Shame That Binds You, by Bradshaw. Amazing book.

Thanks! Will order that from Amazon.

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post so I thought an update was in order.

Everything seems to be going well.

My wife and I are communicating well, she has not had contact with either OM and she has not changed any pass words or opened up any new e-mail accounts.

She never chats on the internet any more. Her computer usage is pretty much work related and you tube.

We are communicating well and very affectionate.

She is still having a hard time dealing with the guilt. She cries when something reminds her of it. We watched The Notebook yesterday and she broke down. She kept apologizing over and over again.

She really seems to get it and demonstrates real remorse. She says the pain she saw on my face is something she will never forget.

Strangely, between the occasional bouts of anger I am happier than I have ever been with her. We talk constantly, she is always willing to listen. She said that "it is up to me" to decide when we are recovered and that she will do anything I ask of her.

I am still consumed with anger at times. If it were possible to get away with it I feel like would do something terrible. I always fight the urge to contact them myself just so I can have a voice in all of it. I have typed out e-mails that I never sent and never will, but it helps to get my thoughts out.

As far as the trust issue goes, I am now in that trust but verify stage. I believe the things she tells me and I follow up with my own due diligence. She understands that I need to protect myself.

Things are going well, but I am surprised by how intense my anger still is. The fantasy world she lived in has been destroyed and she sees the jackals for what they are. We are well on the road to recovery but I cannot figure out how to let go of the rage.