Some of the principles applied here go against human nature and can be very scary but I can tell you from my real life experience that the MB concepts worked for me. A lot of us have been exactly where you are now and if you stay around and read up a little you'll realize that although our personalities and stories are different there is much commonality to the cause and effect of this devastation.

Your WW has to account for her actions and surrender her defenses for this to ever work. It's a long road and IMO will stay with you the rest of your life on some level whether you or your wife make it or not.

I agree 'OH', it WILL stay with ME for the rest of my life at some level....if we make it or not.

Of course it is. It is a GUILTY person's reaction to someone else holding their actions up to the light for inspection. "Why can't you just get over it? I'm not doing it any more! That should be enough!"

If your wife is still saying that, then she has NOT accepted responsibility for her depravity. She is STILL trying to downplay HER transgressions and get YOU to back off.

Tell me: HOW will that help her, moving forward?

A strong cup of coffee and some sunlight has done me good today. Your words truly are inspiring and I feel I am in the baby steps of this new beginning. I am going to buy MB books and forgive myself for feeling so angry. I am not going to forget that anger, I feel I can channel it better. I will certainly be posting again and feeling my way through the MB program. I suspect my main issue is truly, Do I want her back enough to handle this occurring again? Of course there is no guarantee, but if I implement these steps, I may achieve those answers. I am in a fog of my own...still hurt and angry.

Thanks to everyone who cares enough to post-even if I seem stubborn to the program. I am learning. I am living. I am not at fault and I cherish so much. She must hate her reflection, I sure would!

Good, I'm pleased. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's early days and your whole world has been turned upside down.


Baby steps are fine. As long as they are taken in the right direction.


That's a good move. Educating yourself is never a waste of your time and this programme is the best.


Great. You will learn a lot and meet some wonderful and inspiring people.


We've all been there. It's normal to feel like that.


We're all just paying it forward.

And my FWH hated his reflection for a long time too. She needs to compensate you and start to lead a good life again in order to look herself in the mirror again and like what she sees. This programme will help her to do that.

Good luck x

Awesome! I am so happy for you! You may be hurting now, but I have seen marriages turn around miraculously after finding MB. It really is all common sense, when you get down to it.

Basically, what you do now is learn, read, and implement. What do you implement? First, learn about Love Busters. We all have 'em. Ask your wife to fill out the LB questionnaire to see what YOU have done that she doesn't like. Once you get her answers, focus on NOT LBing her for 2 or 3 months. It gives you something to focus on, and it improves you - for YOU. I promise you, once you start noticing a change in yourself, you will feel like you own the world.

Ask her if she'd like to see what YOU would list on a LB questionnaire, and give it to her if so. Let HER work on her LBs, too. Best place to start.

Once you've got that down, do the EN questionnaire and work on that.

That's really all Plan A is. And we do it for ourselves, more so than our partners.

You're gonna be fine!

Blinded,

Do you want help in fighting for your marriage?

If so, please go back to Krusht's posts and answer his questions. Then go to my post shortly after his and answer those questions.

I mean you no disrespect when I say this. You are doing almost everything wrong. You cannot just "hope". You must plan and then act to carry out that plan.

You are refusing to take some of the most powerful actions you could against this affair. You should be in your home and you should be exposing. You should be demonstrating your willingness to meet her ENs because that totally messes with a wayward's mind. It diffuses their justifications.

Why are you not willing to use the weapons available to you to win the war that has been waged against your family?

bbml,

Glad you are back and feeling a little better. There is something you should really consider about the information here. If you decide to try and recover and rebuild your marriage, you will not regret it. If it does not then you will know something that many never learn. You will know that you have done everything YOU know to do to save the marriage.

BUT, wait there is more!!! You will also find that if the marriage cannot be rebuilt because of your decision or hers, that you will carry far less baggage away with you and that is a good thing. You will have learned more about relationships. You will have a better sense of the nonlinear aspects of relationships, and you will have more tools available to you for the next relationship.

In short, you will have no choice but to grow from this mess no matter, but you do have a choice about what you learn and how much damage all of this has done to you long term.

There are lots of basic insights within the articles on this site and they are useful whether or not you decide you want to preserve this marriage or even try.

JL

We've been where you are, bbml. It's okay to resist these principles at first, just as long as you embrace them before it's too late. I suspect it isn't.

You don't have to decided your future right now as far as staying with her. Just start working the program and see where it takes you.

bbml

BB.

""I am in a fog of my own...still hurt and angry.""

BUT OF COURSE YOU ARE!!

Again, it has ONLY been 2 months. You are still in shock, and probably will be for at least another month. Your thoughts are bouncing around your brain like pin balls.

This adultry thing is a marathon/rollercoaster of emotions, most of them the not so good kind.

I strongly recommend you move back into the house. Do as much of the plan A that you can stomach.

You can sort out your feelings if you wish to continue the M or not in your house. Moving out can look differently 8 months down the line as a judge is staring you in the face. (I'm just saying....)

Being out of the house allows her to continue her wayward ways, even though she says it is over. Continue to be skeptical of anything she says....

Plan A is used when the BS is trying to win back the WW from the clutches of the OP by being the best spouse he/she can be.
So if not Plan A, then be civil and no love busters or outbursts.

But you really should be in your house, at least for the kiddies.

kirk

That's right 'BBML', all of us here have been, or are in, your shoes. We KNOW what you feel, the anger, hurt, (insert about 12 other emotions), and it's the worst pain a human can experience.

I lost two children and have had countless other things in my life that has caused pain, the discovery of my wife's A's is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.

I am glad you understand that NOTHING you did merits her to screw other men. It is amazing how it seems WS's have read the same book on what lines to use on BS's...!!

'she must hate her reflection', that is poetry my friend.