For this history of my marital events see the other posting under my user name over the last 3 days.<P>I am considering involving other people to try and help jog my wifes memory of what we had. People like her family, my family, friends, etc. Up until now she has spoken to no-one inside our group about her problems. What effect will it have ? Can anyone offer me any advise from experience ?<BR>Remember she is in total denial - am the enemy and there is another man involved now.<P>I have discouraged anyone from talking to her thinking she needed her space. Now it seems she has found someone where things are all rosy.

HI,<BR> I'm new here but have been reading other sources and NO NO NO don't do it!!! It's called recruiting. And is a Love Buster (read the rest of this site)For two reasons. <BR> 1) The more people that KNOW EVERTHING the harder it will be for her to come back. And if she does, she will want to avoid these people.<BR>2) She will see it as you controlling the situation (I speak from experence believe me) and shut her spirt to you. Read this site and other posts and good luck. My Prayers for your marriage. FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate

Hi Missing, I know how you feel. My H would not talk to anyone about his affair and the fact he moved in with OW and filed for divorce. He did not even tell his parents or sibblings. I was recommended on the advice from my counseler to stop hiding the truth when people called asking for him. I was the one to tell his parents and they thought something was wrong anyway. They told other family members. I think my H has been so isolated and I wish he would talk to his sibblings at least. Maybe to get things off his chest and maybe it would help clear his mind. He has not talked to any of them about what is going on and this has been happening since mid-summer. <P>On the other hand, I agree with Please Help in a way. There are many people I have not told yet. I am hoping that this will help if he were to come back. I am sure I would still be covering up for him if my therapist did not tell me to tell family members. But I was put into the position of lieing for him and that can not go on for too long.<P><BR>I hope all works out well for you. <P>

Maybe if you put yourself in her shoes you might see it in a different light. How would you feel if a whole mess of your friends were in on your personal marital problems? Would it make you run willingly back to your wife? I think not, I believe that the only way you can bust a love bust is to make some deposits in the love bank. I would ask her out on a date and let her know in no uncertain terms that you are determined to prove yourself worthy of her again.<BR>Don't try to add another love bust on top of everything else by trying to control her, and that is what telling other people will come off as. You need to prove to not only her but yourself as well that you can earn her love again. If she hasn't shut the door completely you have a fighting chance, but adding to the artillary doesn't help much, only makes for a more explosive fight!<BR>God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

To play devils advocate. Why is there not also a possibility that it would not do some good ? Perhaps having someone to talk to other than the om would open that persons eyes to what they once shared with their spouse and what is at stake. Maybe it would pull her out of the fantasy world where the grass is greener than at home.

I am one who resisted the urge to tell ANYONE other than my therapist that my H was filing for divorce and involved in a long term affair. It was very difficult and lonely - but I did it out of respect for him as well as feeling like it was all a "dirty little secret". (Boy, how I wish I had found this MB during those early months.) <BR>I truly believe had I told his family, my family etc. that he would have spent all his energy convincing them of the correctness of his actions. By keeping silent and (unknowingly) doing a Plan A I believe the affair was able to run its course. I think if I had screamed to the world in hopes that others could convince him of the errors of his ways that I would not have my husband back today.<BR> Simone

Wow, will I ever think of the right thing to do ? I would have thought involving other people would be good. That my w would need someone to talk to when she has no one. When she saw my father and they cried together the first person she came to was me. Was that a good sign or a bad sign ?<P>Is there no one who can see or has saw benifit to this ? Does the relationship really have to run its course ? Is there absolutely no hope of stopping it ??/

For what it's worth, my H too is in denial and I worry that he has no one to talk to but the OW. I really beleive he is going through Mid-Life crisis. He has no family or close friends so I guess that's why I'm not tempted to "recruit". But here is what I did do. He won't continue to see a therapist because he says it 'costs too much'. I told him that it would be cheaper than a divorce but that didn't motivate him to continue (although he indicated he really wanted to). So, I decided to join an HMO next year that will pay for 'behavioral care'. We are in Plan B, so I left him a note asking him if he was still interested in counseling as I had to make this medical care decision. He wrote back and thanked me and said he still did want to talk with someone. I agree with most of what has already been written here. You can't force them to do anything. You can only make non-threatening suggestions which will translate into a message that you still care. Hope this might give you an idea on what to do. Good luck, I know it's hard.

mmw,<BR> Let me tell you what happened with me.After my W told me of her affair,and moved out,the first thing I did was tell my folks.I guess I did'nt have anyone to talk to,and they were always there for me.Well,my W told her immediate family,but did a good job of trashing me in the process(I drove her to it!).So pretty soon everybody knew about it.I "thought"that maybe our folks would talk some sense into her,but it didn't work out that way.It just turned into a big blaming match,and now nobody speaks to nobody.So much for my thinking.So keep that in mind.If you expose her affair to her family,she'll have to justify her actions,and you'll become the"Husband from Hell"in their eyes.I just wish life could be like the movie"Groundhog Day",where I could keep going back,and trying different things,until I got it right.But I think the more people that know,the more bridges get burned,and the harder it is to work things out.Hopefully this affair will burn itself out,they usually do.Take care. --Murph

Hello MMW,<P>Let me start by saying that these wise folks who have discouraged you from doing this are probably right. It will most likely alienate her further, and make you look like a controller.<P>Now I'll contradict that immediately : my lovely woman did the same. Told no one in her family, and very few of her friends. So, I called her sister and the story got out.<P>In my case, it really did neither good nor bad I suppose. She never confronted me about it. Rather, I think she had some really good talks with her sisters and father about what was really going on. They all called me back some time later, and told me they wanted me to give it time, and just hang in there.<P>Now, when I talk to her, there's a tenderness in her voice, a vulnerability and warmth that I haven't heard for a while. I moved out in mid-Aug, and have been in Plan B, except for when we play pass-the-child. She even brought me some chicken spaghetti last weekend. Don't know what it means yet, but it definitely feels nice to be treated nicely again.<P><BR>So the long and short of it is, I guess: Think carefully about it before you involve everyone you know. The more people that know, the more embarrassing and stressful it may be for her to return. On the other hand, she may need a wake up call.<P>And it sure feels nice to know that her people are on your side anyway <P>Best of luck, man. I know it's rough now...<P>Eric<BR>