I am in my mid forties and have been married for nearly 20 years. We have 3 beautiful children. Our marriage has had its ups and downs as any marriage, but I had always thought that our love for each other would surmount and has surmounted any of our problems in the past.

My world came crashing down on 12/13/09 around 11:00 that Sunday night. I was just getting into bed after making my wife, and the kids lunches for the next day. She had her laptop with her as she often does in bed, watching t.v. I had my book, and happened to glance over at the screen. She was shopping for shoes, and had several things open. I saw along the top the tag line for her gmail account that there was an unread email. Gmail shows the first sentence or two in the tag line. It was a very graphic description of what someone was going to do to her. I immediately asked her what it was, and she quickly closed it, then shut her computer. The laptop belongs to her work and I don't know the password. She rolled over saying it was nothing, but then I of course demanded what it was. She broke down and told me that for the past month or more she had been emailing this guy she had meet on the personal adds in Craigs lists. They had a lot in common he was really interesting etc., but that it was over. The previouse Sunday she had come home from a supposedly christmas shopping trip in a very upset mood, and then had a breakdown at the dinner table, just bawling and shaking. She said one of her friends who was pregnant had a miscarriage as the reason for this. The whole family was upset and I did my best to consol her. The truth is that the guy she was emailing had decided to dump her. Apparently they had met at a park earlier that week to decide if they were going to have an affair. He decided, she says it was mutual, that they would not. He wanted to work on his marriage. They met again that next sunday to discuss whether they could be still friends. My wife thought that they could since nothing physical had happened between them. She thought that she could tell me he was an old friend and that way she could have a legitimate relationship with him. He was very attracted to her and said that they could not as he would always want more. So it was over. She deleted and blocked his email etc. as he requested and they agreed to never contact each other again. That next week my wife went back onto craigs list and replied to some more requests to meet men. She got heavily into the sex chat and doing each other online. That's how I came across the email that uncovered everything. I found out that she has also sent several nude photos of herself to these men as well. These were all local guys too. At least within 50 miles or so. My wife has protected the identity of the man she originally had the emotional affair with, but I was able to track him down and called him to corroborate her story. He told me some things that she hadn't like how many times they met in person, that the two of them engaged in online sex as well. He did say that they hadnt had sex and the only contact that was physical was a hug goodbye. I believe this is correct. I haven't yet told my wife that I have tracked down this guy or that I talked with him yet. I want her to tell me I guess. Things are in such a turmoil. I never would have believed her capable of any of these things, but I feel so betrayed and hurt. Almost the same I suppose as if she had actually slept with these men. What I think of now are how many of these guys have seen naked photos of my wife. Have they shared them? Floating around the internet for anyone see. I am so hurt. I just don't know what to do, or if I can get past this.

Ok let me get this straight and you be sure to let me know if i got the gist of this....

They use a computer to access a website to find each other...
Then they meet in person to "decide" whether or not to have sex"
Then they have to meet in person again the next sunday to discuss being just friends..

Sounds like BS to me, I highly suspect your wife is admitting to half-truths so she can say she didn't lie exactly.

My 2 cents is it went PA.

Oh, and BTW I'm sure they were able to get thier stories straight before you were able to contact him.

and don't believe ANYTHING she says and only half of what you see.

You're at the right place, cantbelieve. Sorry you have had to join our little 'club', but it's good that you have. You will find lots of help and support here.

I am by no means experienced enough to start giving advice except for this - pay heed to what the 'vets' here tell you. They know what they're talking about.

You are now officially a Betrayed Spouse (BS). Lots of us here, and we all support one another. You can get past this!!!

Thanks guys. Reading through all this site has to offer has really helped, as well as any good thoughts from you on how to proceed. I was able to verify her phone records, and text recordss that there has been no more contact. She however could easily create some new secret email accounts and I would never know. The computer she used is not the families, but her works and she won't give me the password. I asked once on D-Day, but used other methods to track down the [censored]. I really do believe that there was no physical sex. Maybe I am naive. I did think that maybe they had talked about corroborating stories if caught, but I don't know what to think. I didn't tell him anything of what my wife had said, so I let him tell me everything from the begining himself. She has gone to counseling once already as I have. She wanted to get her own counseling first. I had her stay in a hotel the week of xmas as I couldn't stand to be around her. We are working hard to make things work, but I can't seem to get over what she did, the first guy, and then all the sex chat and pictures. I made her send me the pictures. I am sure she didn't send the really bad ones. Any ideas on how else I might monitor her without arousing suspicion until she tells me everything. I think that she knows I couldn't live with a physical affair, and that she would have to leave. I have asked her several times, and the answer is no. I just don't know what to believe.

I am all to familiar with your heartbreak. My husband had a four year internet "orgy" with so many women, we can not count. He phoned many of them as well, having "phone sex". As a truck driver, he did this while alone driving, and stated his reason was it was a way of having an affair while remaining faithful. I immediately corrected that line of thinking. These are indeed affairs, violating trust and family bonds. Your wife needs to stop immediately, and has further breached the trust by actually meeting these men. You need to tell her you expect her to stop, what she is doing is wrong. To back up the claim that it is wrong, let her ponder how embarrassed she will feel when this matter is made public in a divorce hearing. Is this something she wants her family to know about? And OMG, what about her employer? Using the employers equipment to do this I am sure will violate their trust in her as well. Does she not realize that she is putting her company at risk? Does she not realize that those forums are subject to hackers, and also some employers have methods of viewing searches done by employees? Does she have a problem with this? If her job income is needed, does she realize she is also putting your family income at risk. What a self centered act! All I can advise is that after four years I am still trying to cope with that infidelity. Of course I should mention that there were also two seperate physical affairs my husband engaged in in the past. Why am I still with him? Purely financial. I have ovarian cancer and am unable to support myself and get medical on my own. Otherwise I would leave. You need to consider your own situation. But anyone who thinks this is OK is living in a fantasy, just like the fantisy sex world they think they have. This behavior takes the intimacy away from you so it does hurt, hurting you is wrong. It violates trust and privacy. Not to mention is quite dangerous. What is to be gained...nothing. She needs to stop now or you need to
take action.

I do believe that she has stopped. At least for right now. I can't attach a key-logger to her computer. Does anyone know of another way to figure out if she is still sexing up guys online? She did it at work too, as well as at home in the middle of the night. I would wake to find her on her laptop, but I thought that she couldn't sleep and was working. Stupid!! I am working really hard to put Plan A into action, but want to remain guarded and aware so that if she is not being honest I will know. Yes it was incredibly stupid and selfish of her. It would hurt our family if she did lose that income. That's also part of why this hurts so much. She is a very smart women. Who could have thought that she would do this?

Sorry, I get on a soap box sometimes:}, but you may want to first ask her if she has thought about the insecurity of the internet. Ask her if she has considered those naked pictures being seen by her own children,,,it can happen! My son logged online once after my husband, who stupidly forgot to log off and was able to see and read almost everything he was doing. He quit college, moved about 1800 miles away and is doing a very dangerous welding job. He refuses to speak to his father, so this Xmas as well as the past two, have not been spent as a family. Does she really want to risk her relationship with her children? No matter what you do as a couple, your wife is always a mother to your children. She is a real fool if she thinks she can get away with this. My husband has stopped everything for over two years now, is trying very hard and is very remorseful for his actions. He cries when my son refuses to talk to him..but the damage is done. Tell her to think about that. If she is still heartless, then file You can also go to the source and ask her employer what for divorce and get a good attourney and private investigator. They my have a way to monitor what she does at work. Unfortunately, google and some other search engines have been supeoned in divorce cases...and oh boy, that is scary. She really is playing with fire...technology is there to spy on her no matter what PC she uses or who owns it. Good luck to you, I am glad to know you are giving her a chance, but with caution and conditions. Sometimes things get so ugly, no matter what counseling is available, you cant fix it. I hope it does not go that far with you.

cantbelieve, who is this guy? Is he married?

What has to happen to recover is that the environment that led to the affair has to change. That means she has to give up her social life on the internet and become completely transparent, giving you passwords to everything. Will she give you the passwords to her work computer?

Has she had STD testing?

See, I would wait until she gets home with that laptop and tell her that you would feel much safer if you could check her work laptop and verify her trustworthiness yourself. Start the conversation by saying you want to trust her again but here is what it will take. Ask her for the password. She will have NO GROUNDS to deny you that unless she is hiding something. People with nothing to hide, don't hide.

Secondly, I would ask her to account for every minute of her time. This is what it will take to recover your marriage:

continued here: here

CB,

""she won't give me the password.""

You must INSIST ON THE PASSWORD.

This is a slap in your face and totally disrespectful.

By not giving you the password, she is telling you that she will continue to do it. Even at the time she believes what she is saying, later on when the cyber-sex addiction becomes too strong, she will falter.

She needs help.

kirk