I always dress in layers... good call!... but I don't get the Tylenol or Advil because of my other meds.

I love a good hot shower or bath, but I have to be careful... I'm sensitive to chlorine in the tap water. Breathe in too long and it aggravates my lungs. I can't even swim in a regular swimming pool. Moving to the country was GREAT for me... we were on a well, and my chronic bronchitis went away!

No, I'm sorry I was crabby with you. I reread everything and I AM being oversensitive.

And yeah, I've had a lot of people take potshots at me over this disability thing... it's common when you have an "invisible illness." Mine's not always invisible... I am prone to stress hives, and also you can see my eyes looking all glassy and feverish when I'm having a bad time of it. But not everyone sees that. They see that I've lost 20 lbs, and that I'm walking for exercise and don't realize that after that walk, I have to sleep 2-3 hours, whether I want to or not.
If it weren't for the fibromyalgia, I'd have money, and options I don't have now. It's sad, but it's a fact.

It's also amazing how many jobs that the recruiter tells me I'm "perfect" for dissolve when they catch wind of my medical history.

What is your work background? There are a lot of jobs you can do from your computer.

Not the same, but I have thyroid disease, with some of the same symptoms, and I hear you in regards to feeling like people don't understand and consider it a...I don't know...made up thing or something - an excuse disease maybe? They just can't relate, I tell myself, and they also don't have to live with the numerous weird symptoms. Have you been tested for hypothyroid, btw?

Actually, I don't think I was technically co-dependent until his bomb-drop of Oct 08. THEN I got way too wrapped up in trying to do everything, be everything, be perfect, make no mistakes...



I was catching flack that I didn't think was totally fair. I expressed my feelings on the subject.

I remember you mentioning Sologig to me... it's funny, because that's one of the things I just wrote down to look into.

I write, but I don't have a degree or anything. I write an online serial novel for fun that I'd like to make a business out of. I have been in advertising sales my whole career.

Actually, I had my thyroid removed in 1995. It was getting HUGE and it didn't work. I take synthroid, in addition to my regime of other meds, and get my dosage checked every few months.

Yeah, so you DO understand the "excuse" disease thing. I'll tell you... it REALLY pisses me off and hurts my feelings when I run into that. I had one person tell me, to my face, that there was "nothing wrong with me that diet and exercise wouldn't cure." First of all, even then, I could run HER into the ground, even though she was "skinny"... and if diet and exercise were all there was to preventing fibromyalgia, I NEVER would have gotten it in the first place. I was in the best shape of my adult life, when it went acute. I'd completed a 12 week "Body 4 Life" training regime, and had a 250 lb bench press, and an 1100 lb hipsled. I'm a 5'2" woman, btw. During this time, for fun, I was in a medieval reenactment group... a couple times a week I'd put on 30 lbs of plate armor, and chase down college students and beat them with a stick. I was a good fighter... aggressive, with lots of stamina. My favorite style was sword and shield and I could hold my own against any of the guys.

I was considering training for powerlifting... still a long way to go, but miles ahead of the average american couch potato. Overnight, literally, I went from being able to carry one 65 lb bale of hay in each hand to having to lift a gallon of milk with both hands to pour. The muscle spasms woke us BOTH up at night, and there were many times where they'd wake up just WH, and I'd still be asleep crying. As pissed as I am at WH, I remember he cried then, too, because he couldn't help me. We didn't know what was wrong with me... I could barely get dressed I was so wiped out. We were afraid it was Parkinsons or something else so equally serious.

Medication has helped some. Some days, in the warmer months, I don't feel bad at all... you could hardly tell there's anything wrong with me. Those days are dangerous, because I usually end up working or playing too hard... and being wiped out for a week afterward. Usually with a big grin on my face. Even when I feel pretty bad, I can usually still ride my horse. She can tell when I'm having a good day vs a bad one and gives me whatever I need for whatever day I have. If I can get into the saddle, at all, I ride. The passive stretching is good for me, even on my worst days.

Sounds like a horrible thing to live with, Wolf. I understand a lot better now what you're dealing with. Thanks for explaining.

Only other thing I wanted to mention is that Mary Shomon (also on facebook) is a patient advocate for people who are hypo, hyper, or euthyroid, so she might be a good resource for you. She has written a few books, and you can find them used on Amazon.com. I realize that might be a luxury to you right now, but perhaps at the library you might find her. A lot of people have much better luck on natural hormones (I'm on Synthroid too)but the pharmaceutical companies have sort of stopped making it.

Also...has your T3 been checked recently? That's going to affect your mental health if it's too low. Make sure, if you have an endocrinologist, that he/she knows what you're going through personally and that you'd like your T3 checked when they check everything else, maybe. Some people are now supplementing their T4 meds with T3, but not all endos will cooperate.

Actually I use guru.com. It's a very professional site. I just checked and there are 591 jobs up for grabs in the writing section. There is also Marketing and Communications, Sales and Telemarketing, Website, Broadcasting, Graphics, Illustration & Art, Admin Support, Business Consulting, and other areas.

Wolf...some books by her:

Living well with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia
Living well with autoimmune disease

(There's another for women going through menopause too)

(Gotta chuckle out of this, Wolf, but even my browser's spell checker won't recognize the word 'fibromyalgia' !!!? Talk about insulting...lol)

That IS really funny... but hey, story of my life! LOL

Btw, I took a nap after my big slew of emotional posts this afternoon. I almost feel human again.

Awesome. Will put on my list to investigate tomorrow. Thanks again, catperson!

Ok, so... about Plan B letters?

I'm trying to decide if I want to write one, explaining why I want NC, or if I just want to keep things the way they are with no further explanation and let the counselor handle him/the situation.

I got a real estate agent in touch with him on the house, he's going to inspect and give WH a list of things to be done to get it ready to put on the market. It's too early to worry about selling horses yet.

He got paid yesterday and it looks like he took $120 out in cash... we can both see each other's financial records. Looks like there's a fool and his money that are going to be one big party this weekend. :P

What do you guys think of this?

Well, I believe in making a point. Giving him a letter would do so, IMO. And sometimes people just have no clue what's going on with you; you have to point it out; they're too self-absorbed to even realize you're hurting.

Ok then... here's my first draft of a Plan B letter, and the associated "business" stuff he was probably wanting to discuss when he offered to meet with me face to face.

Please let me know what you think. I realize it probably needs work.

Dear J, the WH-
After we spoke on Tuesday, I realized I didn't have a chance to clarify why I declined to meet with you. I've decided to protect myself from further pain caused by your continued disloyalty, drinking problem and adultery. David agrees this choice is best for me at this time. Please understand that I need to protect my feelings for you, so that if you decide to give our relationship a new chance, I will still love you and want to try again. The only way I can think of to do this is to end all unnecessary contact with you until you're in treatment for your alcohol problem, David is satisfied with your progress, and you've ended your pursuit of other sexual opportunities. When you drink to excess, the best parts of YOU disappear. I just can't stand to see you this way.

I'm very sorry that you feel your restlessness, unhappiness, lack of direction and inability to commit to our marriage is my fault, and that you ended up in a life you didn't want. I know you felt you were giving me everything I wanted, but you didn't do either of us any favors when you were dishonest about your feelings and secretly following your own vices.

During our separation I've done a LOT of thinking. The last three months have probably been the most important personal growth period in my life, and I've come to a much better understanding of my own part in our communication problems. I've learned a lot, and I think I can avoid many of the mistakes I've made in our past. Each of us owns 50% of the problems in our marriage... I can see how I'm not totally blameless, here...but you own 100% of your choice to cheat on it and walk out on me.

There are many things I'd like to share with you, if we still had that kind of relationship. I'd like to have that kind of relationship again. Our time in counseling over the last year made me believe we DO have something worth preserving. We could build a new life together filled with experiences, things and people that we BOTH want... one where we're both equal partners. I want to be your best friend, someone who's always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we've had, and create a lifestyle based on complete honesty, protecting each other's feelings, and spending time together making new memories. If you decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, whether it be friendship or marriage, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same.

Please do not call me or ask me to meet with you face to face again, unless you've spoken with David and he agrees it's appropriate.

Love,
Wolf, not Cougar

To break "no-contact" with me, these are the steps YOU must take:
1. You must have David's sign-off on your sincerity
2. You must be addressing your issues to David's satisfaction
3. You must have a genuine desire to improve relations and preserve our friendship

If you decide you want to preserve our marriage, you must also:
1. You must WANT to work on our marriage
2. You must end your other sexual relationships, and have no EA's
3. You must be in treatment for your alcohol/compulsive issues, to David's satisfaction
4. You will agree to follow a mutually decided marriage counseling plan
5. You will take a sexually transmitted disease test and I will see the results.

Business: Urgent information, financial/real estate updates, ect. can continue to be handled via email. If it gets too uncomfortable, we can get intermediaries, but I hope that won't be necessary. I'll attempt to clarify some things you might have questions or need direction on below.

1) Selling the Farm: I've selected a real estate agent who specializes in acreages. I believe he's contacted you already, and can advise you of what needs to be done before putting the property on the market. I'll contribute what I can to the effort at mutually agreed upon times, when you're not there.

2) The next big project will be the taxes. Please look for the W2's, and I'll come out and get everything together when the roads are clear. Liz has agreed to do them for us this year, again. You can work with her to set a time once all the appropriate paperwork is accounted for, or I can do it.

3) Horses: Please dispose of Cocoa and Copper as you see fit. I may have some interested parties for Cocoa, and when I do I will forward you their information. I will begin attempting to place Hannah and Ciro as soon as it's practical. In a perfect world I would find a way to keep Indy, Hannah and Ciro. My second choice would be to keep Indy and Hannah. I WILL keep Indy.

4) Truck and Horse Trailer: Really can't be sold until horses are gone. and I don't want to sell them at all, as I intend to keep at least one horse. I would like to keep the truck, perhaps trade to a smaller trailer. Open to suggestions.

5) Tractor and Bush Hog: Really can't be sold until farm is sold, unless we could get someone else to mow. Could possibly offer in package with house? Open to suggestions.

6) Flatbed. Could possibly be sold ahead of time, but would make it hard to get hay. Open to suggestions.

7) Divorce: Iowa is a "no fault" state, meaning you don't have to prove fault or need a reason to file. If this is what you want, I can't stop you from filing. I would prefer that the divorce is fast, is fair, and is amiable. Due to the length of the marriage, my financial contributions, and my present situation, I will be asking for alimony, help with insurance, etc.

I like the first half. The second half...are specific instructions that don't really belong in a Plan B letter. Let David handle that with him. Or put it in a separate letter. Don't make the PB letter too complicated.

Excellent! And yeah, I planned to give him that stuff in either a separate email or a separate piece of paper. I wanted to get the part about Divorce in there, so he knows I'm seriously ready to let him go... but I'm NOT going to do it for him. I'm finding some serenity in letting him clean up his own mess.

I considered hand writing the plan b, and printing the business instructions. I really think I might mail these, snail mail. More of an impact that way. I also thought about forwarding them both to David... not so much for his approval, but for him to have on file.

Anyone else got anything to add?

I feel better now that I've done this... I've alluded to my own mistakes, but not caved in. I think I drew a hard, but still compassionate line. And more importantly, I feel like I've done all I can, spelled it out clearly, and have a clean conscience so I can move the hell on.

Thank ALL of you for your contributions to getting me to this point. I don't like this, but it feels like it was important and I feel BETTER. I really appreciate everything you've done for me.
Wolf, not Cougar
Chel

Hi Wolf:

The business part I would just tell him that you'll send him another letter about the business/property end of things.

The first part of the letter, I would change slightly. If it takes away from any therapeutic purpose for you, scratch my ideas because I think right now you need it and deserve it.

Keep in mind that I copied and pasted your letter to word and forgot how to show corrections, so you'll have to read the whole darn thing - sorry.

Here goes:

Dear J, the WH-
After we spoke on Tuesday, I realized I didn't have a chance to clarify why I declined to meet with you. I've decided to protect myself from further pain caused by your continued actions. (David agrees this choice is best for me at this time also.) Please understand that I need to preserve any love for you, so that if you decide to give our relationship a new chance, I will still have enough love left for you to want to try again. The only way I can think of to do this is to end all unnecessary contact with you for now until you're in treatment, David is satisfied with your progress, and you've ended your pursuit of other sexual opportunities. When you drink to excess, the best parts of YOU disappear. I just can't stand to see you hurt yourself this way when I know what a great person you can be.

I'm very sorry that you feel your restlessness, unhappiness, lack of direction and inability to commit to our marriage is my fault, and that you ended up in a life you didn't want. I know you felt you were giving me everything I wanted, but you didn't do either of us any favors when you were dishonest about your feelings and secretly following your own vices.

During our separation I've done a LOT of thinking. The last three months have probably been the most important personal growth period in my life, and I've come to a much better understanding of my own part in our communication problems. I've learned a lot, and I think I can avoid many of the mistakes I've made in our past. Each of us owns 50% of the problems in our marriage... I can see how I'm not totally blameless, here...but you own 100% of your choice to cheat on it and walk out on me. If nothing else, I deserve a faithful husband I can be proud of.

There are many things I'd like to share with you, if we stayed married. Our time in counseling over the last year made me believe we DO have something worth preserving. We could build a new life together filled with positive changes, experiences, things and people that we BOTH want... one where we're both equal partners. I want to be your best friend, someone who's always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we've had, and create a lifestyle based on complete honesty, protecting each other's feelings, and spending time together making new memories. If you decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, whether it be friendship or marriage, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same. I cannot put a time line on how long I can wait before I decide to move on. I believe we're intelligent people, that we can make this work, and that we can build a great life together. Ideally, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I think it's for the best that you not call me or ask me to meet with you face to face again, unless you've spoken with David and he agrees it's appropriate.

Love,
Wolf, not Cougar

To break "no-contact" with me, these are the steps YOU must take:
1. You must have David's sign-off on your sincerity
2. You must be addressing your issues to David's satisfaction
3. You must have a genuine desire to improve relations and preserve our friendship

If you decide you want to preserve our marriage:
1. You must WANT to work on our marriage
2. You must end your other sexual relationships, and have no EA's
3. You must be in treatment for your alcohol/compulsive issues, to David's satisfaction
4. You will agree to follow a mutually decided marriage counseling plan
5. You will take a sexually transmitted disease test and I will see the results.


The only other area is #1 on your list to break no contact. It's unclear to me. How do you feel about clarifying that a bit? I'm not sure if your husband will know what 'signing off' entails.

Wolf...you may hate my ideas, but I'm rushed and can't check over it again, so it's just my .02 - I'm a bit of a 'long winded' person when it comes to writing, so I probably got carried away...

Wolf...I haven't ever really tried to help someone with a plan B letter like this, I don't think, so I probably infringed on your style and inserted too many of my own ideas. That's not something I meant to do. I just get carried away when I'm writing. Just scratch what won't work for you.

Actually... NO! I was just thinking how much I liked yours, and was considering just using it as is... with the exception of clarifying David's "sign off" and maybe adding something like:

"I hope you're beginning to see that our marriage isn't the cause of your problems. I've learned that there's no way I could control your process and even though I meant well, my interference wasn't helpful. Only you can cure you."