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Will not quit her job. Deleting facebook not an option, everyone at work is on there, no need to send OM a letter there is already no contact aside form work...

Her story and she's sticking to it.

There really is a girlfriend. Again her pics and info are all over OM's facebook. She is a real person, I know where she works.

I forgot all about this, but about two weeks ago, my wife commented to me that the GF came in and went to her station to check out, when the other station right next to her was empty and my wifes was full. She said the GF kept giving her dirty looks, and she hoped OM hadn't told her a bunch of "lies" about her. I think the GF already suspects and is not amused...can't believe I forgot to mention that!

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Originally Posted by jcb
"I never want you to be hurt like that again".

jcb, call her back and say "it hurts me very much that you continue to see the OM every day at work and then on facebook. Will you quit the job and delete facebook?"

Will you please call her right now and ask her this?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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can't reach her until after she leaves at 7. I'm 30 miles away and she cant use her cell except on breaks...

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Originally Posted by jcb
There really is a girlfriend. Again her pics and info are all over OM's facebook. She is a real person, I know where she works.

She has a right to know the OM does married women and has no respect for marriage. What a bum!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have only one question:

Why are you waiting until Friday?

Waiting until after you see your therapist makes no sense, because if what your W said 2 you is true, this therapist has no clue how 2 help a marriage recover from infidelity. Keeping the secret (doing what the WW "thinks" she wants) is NOT constructive.

So, now that you can safely remove the therapy session from your schedule, why would you wait until Friday? You say you're going 2 do all this after you leave work early on Friday? I have a hard time believing that there will be enough time left in the day 2 accomplish all that before everyone else goes home. What will you do if someone says "can't meet with you 2day, make an appointment for next week"?

I would think you'd want the defecation 2 hit the ventilation at work with enough time left in the week (like now) for the recipients 2 deal with it now, rather than have the weekend 2 try 2 forget about it and hope things will smooth over over the weekend. Also, I would think that you and your W could focus on each other over the weekend better, whereas if this happens Friday afternoon, your W will be thinking about what's going on in other peoples' minds all weekend. If you expose sooner, she'll know what they think before the weekend.

-ol' 2long

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Originally Posted by jcb
Will not quit her job. Deleting facebook not an option, everyone at work is on there, no need to send OM a letter there is already no contact aside form work...


I don't understand why it's such a big deal deleting him off of Facebook. Sounds like she might be starting to get it but is still a long way off from getting it.


Dday 2001
Me: BH-49
WW-44
Married 20 years

Recovered after years of hard work and above all...Honesty. It's been years since I've been here but I'm still finding it therapeutic.
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I agree with 2long!


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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One thing that just kills me is, while they are wayward, waywards have ZERO empathy for their spouses.

Mine refused to stop calling him.
Refused to take him off FB.
Refused to stop emailing him.
Refused to stop IMing him.

But she never refused with words. She always said "OK", then went and cheated anyway despite her words.

It's as if there's this brick wall between her Giver who wants to please you, and the Taker who wants to please herself, and the two don't ever do conference calls with each other. Expressions of empathy without actions to back them are completely hollow.


Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
Two Years Later
Four Years Later
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Don't wait till Friday. Do it now. The therapist is irrelevant.

I would also limit the work exposure to the supervisor and/or HR.

Otherwise you have a good plan.

Expect this one, "How could you do this? I was going to work on things but you just ruined everything!"

Check to see how remorseful she is tonight and how sincere she is. If she's not willing to do what is necessary to save the marriage, then she is lying and you should proceed to end the affair.

You're doing a favor to OM's gf by telling her, BTW. Don't expect her to believe you. I exposed to someone I saw my ex make out with (his live in gf) and she had already gotten his spin and was not willing to belive much.

So expect the unexpected, but one guarantee is her anger. It's going to be fury like you've likely never seen with veins popping out and venom spewing from her mouth.

Be calm and cool through it.

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I think the GF will believe it after the story my wife told. That seems to be something she wouldn't lie about...why bring up the OM's girlfriend?

OK, hypothetically what if tonight she agrees to quit, delete, facebook, and end all contact?

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Originally Posted by jcb
I think the GF will believe it after the story my wife told. That seems to be something she wouldn't lie about...why bring up the OM's girlfriend?

OK, hypothetically what if tonight she agrees to quit, delete, facebook, and end all contact?

Then you would ask her to send a no contact letter to the OM and commit to fixing the problems in the marriage.

In that case, the only exposure you would need to do is to the OM's girlfriend. And that can be done by sending her an email on facebook telling her about the affair and giving her your name and #.

When you speak to her, be a broken record about quitting the job and deleting facebook. And she will have to completely delete facebook, jcb, even if she blocks OM, she can unblock him in 2 seconds flat and will still be able to see him via any of her friends who are friends with OM.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jcb
That seems to be something she wouldn't lie about...why bring up the OM's girlfriend?

Stop trying to guess what WW would and wouldn't lie about. Waywards will lie about all sorts of things you never dreamed of. Right now take everything she say with a grain of salt. You are falling into the trap of thinking your WW can't possibly be capable of this or that...stop. Continue with the exposure. I 100% agree with 2long. Why are you waiting? If the business trip is off, call in sick and take care of this stuff on Thu and Fri. WW will tell you whatever you want to shut you up...put her on mute.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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jcb, why are you waiting until Friday? And how come you are going to talk to that useless "therapist?"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I honestly believe the part about the OM being really happy with the GF (read all his facebook, myspace, email)the GF being upset after seeing my wife confirms it.

In addition to her being mad, he is going to lose his mind when his "true love" finds out...haha!

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I seldom post. My FWW had 2 PA and one EA. I am 12 years post d-day and mostly recovered.

I tend to agree with helpthelostdads. Don't blitz the whole workforce just yet. See how open she is tonight and ask all the questions you have. Explain again that you want her to end the job and even though instructing the WW in the reasons is usually not worth the effort, I think reminding her that whether she believes it or not, every time she sees the OM it will be a reminder of the A. If she is still unwilling to quit her job, then as helpthelostdads suggested, go to her supervisor and HR. Definately tell the OM GF--she needs to know.

I'm suggesting backing off a little because she has shown remorse (in the texts anyway) and it appears the actual physical aspects are over. Plus the last few weeks (prior to your finding the e-mail were very pleasant, as you have described them. I would only go the "nuclear" route if you find the cell phone is hers and it is still in use or she refuses to take the steps necessary to end all aspects of the affair.

From what you've provided she has made some progress although she is still dragging her feet on some things. You only confronted her on the physical aspects a day or so ago and if she's telling the truth, she was following the misguided advice of a therapist. I'm not forgiving her, but waiting another day or two won't change the outcome of a "nuclear" exposure and if unwarrented, it could set you back in your road to recovery.

I know some of this flys in the face of what you've been told, but all I'm really suggesting is move forward in stages based on the results of each action.

Best wishes on successfully recovering your M.

xring

Last edited by xring; 01/06/10 05:57 PM. Reason: Editorial error
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I would still retain the keylogger, so I would be able to tell if she reactivated him.

Honestly, wishful thinking. She won't agree to quitting, i know my wife (sort of! ) she is unbelievably stubborn, even if there is nothing more to it, she will never acquiesce to what she sees as a demand...bizarre I know but that's her!

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You and Melodylane posted while I was writing my prior post.

When you talk to her tonight, if she is "so sorry" for the hurt, try to explain that everyday she is at work with OM she is continuing to hurt you. Put the monkey on her back and ask her what her response would be. She appears to be in a vulnerable position right now, so exploit that for you benefit and help her to reach the right decision. Don't demand it though, you apparently know that that approach won't work.

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The only additional info I have thus far on the prepaid cell is that in the past 18 months that cell was used to call my home phone on Aug 8 at 12:08pm....that number never called my wifes cell....the call came post original d-day and has never showed up again...why would my wife call the home number and talk to herself? I suppose it could be the OM's prepaid and I'm paying for it...don't know.

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I am going to VERY nicely tell her how much working there bothers me, I'm not even going to ask her to quit much less tell her. If she is truly remorseful she'll quit....

If she quits, the excuse for having him on facebook evaporates...

Don't think she'll do it though.

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If she agrees to quit the job, maintain no-contact-for-life with the other man, and commit to a program of marital recovery of your choice, what's the absolute best thing you can do?

Go somewhere together far away from home for 3 weeks solid while she's in withdrawal. Seriously.

Leave the mobile phones at home. Arrange for care of any dependents. Take emergency leave from your work, combining sick time and vacation time.

According to Dr. Harley, the most miraculous recoveries he has seen is when couples had a reason to be together 24/7 for the first month of withdrawal. It gives you an unprecedented chance to try to make Love Bank deposits, avoid Love Busters, spend Time together, and be radically honest with one another.

You probably won't feel in love with each other on the end of the vacation, and that's totally normal. She's still in Withdrawal, but the care you exercise on vacation will be a deciding factor for her as to whether she is willing to give it her all to repair what she has broken.

So if you can swing it... get the time off and spend 24/7 with her as long as you can. She's an addict coming off her addiction, and she'll need the support. She won't like you much for it, though, feeling like you're her "babysitter" (exact word my wife used for me).

If you can't swing that, schedule your 30+ hours of UA per week (yeah, I said 30+, not 15+... 15+ is for couples in a HEALTHY relationship!) to make sure you have as many opportunities as possible to make Love Bank deposits. Truly, you should be trying to reach that right now.

And during withdrawal, if it happens, avoid the affair talk as much as possible. Focus on the present and the future to avoid resentment... keep your "relationship talk" focused and at specific times if possible. You stand the least chance of it blowing up on you if both of you know when to plan to talk about fixing "relationship issues"...


Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
Two Years Later
Four Years Later
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