I really hope someone can give me some good advice as to what I should do.
8 years ago after my husbands affair came to light, he made a lot of promises to me. We came to this site alot as well as attended marriage counseling and a family life conference.

After reading the 5 Love Languages, I pointed out to my husband what exactly were the things that I felt I wanted and needed.
For 7 years, I cried and begged for him to do these things for me. Right after the affair was discovered he was more then willing to do anything, but with time, that wore off. When I would continue to tell him what my wants and needs were, he just dig in deeper. He actually told me that he wasn't going to do those things for me and I could find someone else to fullfill those wants/needs.

As you can imagine , my love bank is well below zero

What are you suppose to do when your partner doesn't care to meet your wants and needs

I think that is where things usually get stunted. My wife was on board with MB until she lied on the questionaire, then lied about lying on it, knew I knew and then confessed at the end of the day. We had talked with Willard Harley 4x at that point. She used the UA and POJA for her benefit. I threw all of the books and paper work in the garbage and told her she could go buy it this time (I was doing everything at that point). The only thing she suggested was counseling, but it didn't do any good after 18 mos.

MB says it will work if one person does it long enough that the other will see the changes. Most ppl here will say it will work 100% of the time if both are on board, but doesn't have a plan when one is so selfish that they don't care.

Like they say, the one that love the least has the control.

My husband also has lied on the questionaires, lied to the marriage therapist, lied at the family life conference and continues to lie about things when he is caught red handed.Porn sites just magically appear in his cache on his personal laptop. (dont' you hate it when that happens)

Through the past 7 years I have continued to try to meet his wants and needs hoping that maybe he would at least try to meet mine, and still he hasn't. So I don't agree with what MB's says that they will "come around".

Unfortunately, you are supposed to create a life for yourself so that, if he continues to ignore you, you will be ok by yourself. IMO, once you reach that point where you don't 'need' him, he will wake up and you may achieve what you want from him.

But sitting there for seven years, just waiting for him to 'get it' will do nothing but get him to lose all respect and desire for you.

What do you do on your own?

It doesn't work with abusive and manipulative personalities.

It also doesn't work with perpetual Givers like you and perpetual Takers like him.

Why SHOULD he change? You continue to be his mother and lover, while you have no boundaries. He has a perfect world.

Well that is basically what I have started to do, create a life for myself.
Last year, do to my not trusting him when it came to financial affairs, opened up my own checking account, which he was VERY unhappy about.
I would love nothing more then to pack up and move out, but even with FINALLY having control over my own paycheck, I am so in debt, that I am "trapped". My husband helps very little in purchasing clothes , gifts etc for our 5 kids and just to buy them the basic's ( no ipods, video games etc here, I can't afford it)takes everything I make plus every amount of credit I have available on credit cards.

He becomes LIVID if I tell him that I "don't need him", because he has such low self esteem, he wants his ego fed all the time. Everyone who knows him thinks he is such a great family man, and granted he will work two jobs to help pay the bills, but when it comes to meeting my emotional needs etc, he refuses to. As for sexual needs, I absolutely never approach him for that. When he is interested, I go along with it, any other time he has "performance problems"

Not long ago an ex boyfriend, contacted me and we have talked online a few times. Through out my 21 year marriage, this ex would periodically contact me.
My husband knew about this man before we married and would constantly tell me things like " he didn't care about you, he just wanted down your pants". WOW was that like a shot in the heart. This ex and I had a very difficult time do to the interference of our parents and were madly in love with one another. Had it not been for our parents forcing us apart, I have no doubt we would have been together. I over the years had the opportunity to ask my ex if that was true and he assured me it wasn't.

My husband was very upset by my ex contactingme and this understandably so.After his affair was discovered and we talked, I told him that if my ex ever contacted me again, I would tell him. Last year when I heard from him again, I told my husband. My husband told me " add him as a friend, I trust you Annie". So I did. Of course that is thrown up to me now. Granted it was probably wrong for me to add this individual because of our history, but at the same time my husband is telling me " I'm not going to do the things you want and need. If you want those things, then find someone to do it.: My ex was NEVER the type to express his feelings towards me. but in our recent conversations, he has done that. Did it feel good?You bet it did! Things that I have been begging and pleading for 7 years from my husband, were being given to me for the first time in 21 years!!!!!
Is it wrong?yeah I know it is. But I LONG to feel loved and desired.
If it weren't for my kids, I would have been gone LONG ago!

This is very dangerous. You don't want to be the one people are looking down on, by continuing your relationship with this guy while you're still married. Settle your own issues first, ok?

I understand what you are saying and I agree with you.

My husband during his affair told many stories, including one to the other woman that our third child wasn't his because I was running around on him ( NOT true) but that he being the great guy he is accepted the child as his own.

He has told many stories about me that were not true, to make himself look better

Ann - I would suggest a thorough read and re-read of two articles in the "Newsletters" forum starting with this one http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2264789#Post2264789

You need to have a plan - Plan A and Plan B will work for you probably as well as anyone.

kA

Hi Ann, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like you are in the right place. I am sorry you are having such a hard time in your marriage.

I can assure you that having an affair yourself is not the solution. It will make the problem worse in every way and it is an act of abuse against your husband. Your affair with this man will never last and it will only bring shame and degradation down on your head. Think of how your kids will feel when they find out. It won't be good.

So, the first step will be to end contact with your OM.


Secondly, I would try using Marriage Builders principles to turn your marriage around. It is different from traditional marriage counseling and marriage programs in that it actually WORKS. Marriage counseling has an 84% failure rate because traditional marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage. They have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. Retrouville counselors [one of the top marriage conferences in the US] come to Marriage Builder's weekends for their OWN marriages.

I realize you said your spouse is reluctant, but most couples who come to the Marriage Builders weekend or approach the Harleys for counseling have one reluctant spouse. They are often able to turn that around successfully.

That is what I would suggest. The fastest horse would be a Marriaeg Builders weekend [and they have one coming up soon here - just look on the main page] and the second fastest would be phone coaching.

But whatever you do, end your affair NOW. Send your OM a no contact letter and end that relationship. It will bring you nothing but degradation and personal heartbreak. There is no future in an affair.

catperson, she is having an affair. Marriage Builders resolves abusive and manipulative tendencies. It resolves extreme giving and taking with the Policy of Joint Agreement. It most certainly does work.

AliasAnne, MB does not say that they will always come around. Sometimes they don't. There is an article in the newsletter forum titled "Calling it Quits" for cases like that.

But in your case, i suspect that your affair has skewed your thinking terribly about your marriage and made you super unhappy. An affair is a fantasy and it also becomes a new point of comparison to the marriage. That is part of the reason you view your H in such a bad light right now. That, and your resentments which stem from your extreme giving. ["I gave and gave so I am entitled to a little happiness, by God!" <----extreme giving leads to self pity, which leads to entitlement mentalities that lead to affairs]

I also see tons of lovebusters in the form of disrespectful judgments and independent behavior in your posts, which would push any spouse away and make them disinterested in building a marriage with you.

What made my H interested in meeting my needs was learning to meet his needs, avoiding lovebusters, spending 15 hours a week with him. It made the marriage so irresistable that he wanted to engage.

And maybe your H will never engage, but you need to try Marriage builders FIRST. And I don't mean cherry picking a few concepts here and there. Half measures will avail you nothing. It needs to be the whole thing. Try it, it really works!

Mel,

I wish I could be like you only a male version. I'm working on it!

You and Mark are inspiring!

For one, my contact with my ex has not become an emotional affair... yet! I too was a BS and the other woman was an actual real life person, as well as porn (including with animals) and cyber sex partners.
I view my husband in a bad light for these and many more reasons.

I can SO understand why people begin affairs and am waiting for my chance to find some of that happiness that my husband has flat out told me he won't do. Such as sending me a note every now and then saying ' I love you"

AA, if it is not an emotional affair, it will be REAL SOON. It is not a matter of *IF* but one of *WHEN*. Letting another man meet your needs while you are in a troubled marriage is an AFFAIR waiting to happen.

Did you read my post about going to a Marriage Builders weekend?

thanks, themud!

Hello all,
Thanks for the ideas in this post. I just joined tonight - it's 2am Saturday evening. I've been married for 6 years, and my husband definitely neglects my most important emotional needs. He has a drinking problem that he continues to promise to recover from, and then doesn't follow-through. I'm tired. I want to have a great marriage, but I can see that he isn't at that place. He isn't putting forth the effort, either to quit drinking or to be "in enthusiastic agreement" with me in our marriage.
I felt very supported while reading the posts shared here. Thanks, Ann, for starting this post.

Hello, LaraD. This is a most marvelous site. I think you can learn a lot and find peace and serenity in your life whether or not your husband is a part of it.

There are quite a few recovered alcoholics on this board. I am one of them. Your comments about your husband are, unfortunately, all too familiar, and as even the good Dr. Harley will say, there's very little help for marriage building when there is an active addict in the relationship.

If you haven't already, I'd suggest checking out Al-Anon. As you will quickly learn, you don't got for the alcoholic, you go because of the alcoholic.

What I don't get from your thread is what sort of help you want? Do you want to leave your marriage? Do you want your husband to get sober? Do you want to help yourself? We can help you with all but the getting your husband sober part. Only he can do that. And he has to want to. Getting him to that point may be beyond your (or our) power. Sad, but true.

I'll also go out on a limb and suggest that you are getting "ripe" for an affair. If your husband isn't meeting your emotional needs, you may be setting yourself up for someone else who will. Caution: this is a slippery slope and can cause you unavoidable mental and emotional trauma down the road if you're not careful! You might want to read the thread on the "Surviving An Affair" forum titled Anatomy of Adultery - How it starts Here is a link to the thread.

This place is a phenomenal support site. But you have to decide what kind of support you want. Also, please understand that you can give support as well as get support. Your story and your experiences might help others who are going through much the same.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.