well here it goes. finally, my W agreed to do a session with dr. H. that in itself was an answer to prayers. we originally were going to do 20 mins each along with him, then 20 mins together, it ended up them spending the whole hr together. great, i suggested it. im tickled pink about it. im on with the good dr next monday and her followup is next wednesday and yes, im payin, its the least i can do since this is my fault. dr. h suggested i take a test with 567 questions on it, so i am. my wife thinks i wont and still doesnt think im serious about saving the marriage. we have had many conversations 2-3 hrs, and i have found them depressing and a times a little encouraging. w still accuses me of seeing the OW (im not and she knows it). heres the dilemma. I know she will write this off if i dont take the test (im taking it for me and to show her im sincere. we started to ask each other questions and me being truthful, so i asked her several questions about things that i feel need to be answered. her reply is its not about her its about me. my response is that truth is absolute and i would like some honest answers to the questions. she will not answer them and wehn i press, she lies about them. this makes me wonder, if she is sincere. talking to dr. h is encouraging, yet, i need to know that we are on the same street, or this wont work at all. they are honest questions that i feel need to be addressed. do i just forget the questions and put my tail between my legs and go on? wondering? she keeps asking if im wearing my wedding ring (i am) so tonight i asked her if she wanted me to return it to her as she has asked me to take it off and its sick for me to keep wearing it. our conversation went pretty well and i asked her if she would meet me in san francisco in dec as i have a business meeting there and i would attend one day then we could go somewhere together. she immediately said, well why dont you take the OW with you. i said im not talking to her or seeing her, then she said well why dont you take so and so with you, or meet one of your g-friends there.I dont have any girlfriends. so as a result the conversation depressed me. should I let her depress me cause i have caused so much pain to her, or what do i do.

Hi Toolbox -<P>I'm so glad that you two are talking with Dr. Harley.....that's a great start.<P>I wouldn't press for answers from her right now....yes, honesty is absolute but you are a long way from home and her hurt and pain and feelings of lost trust have not had a chance to be worked through yet....she's probably asking so many of these questions of you because it is the only form of communication she has....it's back to : she can't verify your words without seeing your actions.<P>This is why things will be prolonged a bit.<P>Ask Dr. Harley about it!!! He should be able to guide you with this. And make sure you do the questionaire he gave you. Sounds like he is really trying to help, which is great since you two are so far apart.<P>None of this has anything to do with "your tail between your legs". That's just pride biting at you....if you love your wife and are doing your best to work on things, then allow her the time to process and heal!!<P>Then, will come the time to deal with the joint marriage issues....now she's afraid about the women.<P>Good Luck and let us know how it goes.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Dear Toolbox:<BR>I am sure that your affair has devastated her. It sounds like she was and still is very hurt about the affair. Things take time. The spouses who had the affair have to understand that the spouse they had the affair on is very hurt and angry. It is doing to take time. You need to have more patience. She will go back and forth. One day she will be very nice and agreeable until another day when something you say or do will trigger that affair. Then her mind will start to race and think about it, she will get angry, then she will make her comments about it like she did as you mentioned. It's only natural for her to be untrusting, angry and hurt. All these are very real emotions that will take time to heal. how much time. Every person is different. For you, it may take a long time. But, for you, it is very important that you don't get mad at her for asking any questions or bringing the ow up. What she is doing is reassuring herself, by bringing that up, that it is over with the both of you. She can see that by the response you give. If you keep getting mad at her for it, she will take a longer time in getting over this. Be very patience. Afterall, you ripped her trust in you. When my husband had his affair, it was really important for me to keep asking him about it and making my comments. Because it was so on my mind. I explained to him that I would be doing that until I got it out of my system. At times, it was uncomfortable for him, but, he was very patient and let me ask and make my remarks. 2 weeks later, I am over it. If he kept on fighting with me about it, then it would still be on my mind...unanswered questions are not good. They linger and linger until a fight breaks out just so you can get the answer to the unanswered questions. Do you understand what I am saying? Just really be very patient and give her the time to heal. Therapy is a very good thing for the both of you to be doing. Just hang in there. I know it's frustrating...But, give her lots of love, and attention and patience and it can't go wrong.

Toolbox, maybe this doesn't help but I will tell you the one thing I told my H when I found out about the affair and he wanted to hurry up and put it behind us. I told him he had so many months of the knowledge of the affair to get used to the idea and to "compartamentalize" it. He had decided that our marriage was going to be saved all on his own without giving me the opportunity to get over the hate, the pain, the frustration and anger that comes with an affair. <BR>I asked him to take the total amount of time it took him to have the affair and give me at least that time or a little more to get over it. That means that I needed the span of time to not be angry. Your wife is making the effort to understand this affair and hasn't slammed the door in your face, I wouldn't press her right now but give HER the time she needs to get over this. It sounds as though your sincere so keep at it. Read the book "After the Affair" and continue reading Dr. Harley and spend some time trying to understand where she's coming from as well. I am not saying it's that easy (just the opposite) but you might find it worth the effort!<BR>God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

toolbox,<BR>If you knew me in real life, you see me as very sane, very easy going, open, honest and almost unfailingly nice to all around me.<P>After discovering my H's affair I was a fruitcake for months.<P>Although I was an outward Plan Aer because I was scared to death and also because my kids did not know, but inwardly and after I was reasonably convinced H was not going anywhere, I didn't even recognize myself. I was still nice, but my thoughts and actions were disconnected. Short term memory was fried. Decision making ability was nonexistant. <P>I remember telling my H I missed his wife, too.<P>She needs lots of time. You can not believe how painful more than that disorientating this ordeal can be. It honestly made me loss a sense of self for about 4 months.<P>Be patient.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Toolbox,<BR>Yes, God's truth is absolute. However, not everything we think is truth because Satan does plant ideas in our head causing us to think that those ideas are God's truth. You sound truly repentant of your transgression against God and your W. Keep praying and loving her the way God wants you to love her: unconditionally. She is hurting right now. Be patient. As you show her by doing the things you posted along with giving without expecting anything in return (I know this sounds crazy but it is what unconditional love is all about), she will warm up to you. It is what Dr. H calls depositing love units. You acted this way when you were dating her that is part of the reason she married you. It works because it is covered in the Bible not because any one of us humans said it so.<P>I wil be praying for you and your family.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>