The trouble is, there are so many non-date-like reasons to text or chat online with a person of the opposite sex that it doesn't even feel like it. Over the last few days, I have texted with my car pool guy, real estate agent and barn manager and I have online chatted with a potential part-boarder's father. All of these communications served a purpose and were not remotely date-like. As more and more people become comfortable with this technology, they will be used more than the regular telephone or email as they have distinct conveniences. But those of us with boundaries will instantly put a stop to anything that seems out of line. If that kid's father had typed "You look good in those riding breeches" I would NOT have assumed it was a simple complement. But it's clear others might get sucked into this.

The thing is not so much the technology itself, but the pace that it's moving along at leaves those of us who can't even imagine using it this way in the dark. My WXH's affair involved excessive cell phone usage, mainly texts. I hardly used texts then and only with the car pool guy who had free texting but paid for calls. Texts to and from him were messages like, "Sick today, not coming" or "10 min late". Even when WXH's cell phone behavior changed, I didn't suspect a thing. And it changed big time - he started carrying it on his belt, he converted his bill to ebilling so a paper bill didn't come in the mail (mine still did even though it was also in his name), he started receiving texts and voice mails from work even while at home and yet the home phone wouldn't ring when he didn't answer the cell. This stuff if obvious but I didn't see it because it would never occur to me to USE a cell phone this way. But, I'm the one with the boundaries. (and btw my boundaries are still in place regardless that my marriage is not - I still can't see how this type of behavior is a turn on or even remotely attractive).

I think text messaging from cell phones is also a real killer. It creates a whole fantasy world.
My H and OW did a lot of that. She is the downstairs neighbor so they needed to be careful and the texting was a real thrill to them. Little romantic messages....making arrangements for the next romantic meeting around my schedule (demonizing me)...communicating the desire to have sex with eachother...
Really power love bank deposits.
But I agree...a cheater will do it even on a desert island using smoke signals.

IMHO this sounds like a slippery slope if you were a married person. I personally would not communicate via texting or IM or any other techno means to a member of the opposite sex. It is just not something a married person needs to be doing for any reason.

Slipery slope? I don't think so. You have to have really poor boundaries if it is.

If I'm sick and not coming into work, it's common courtesy to let my car pool guy know that I won't be coming. That way, he doesn't waste his time waiting for me at the lot.

Same thing if I'm going to be late because there was an accident and traffic has built up. Should I expect him to just wait? What if he leaves before I get there because I didn't bother to call or text? BTW, our commute includes car-pool lanes which shave 45 minutes off the commute compared to going by yourself.

The part boarder? I place an ad, people respond. Often they are teenage kids and I refuse to get into a financial agreement with a minor. I don't give a hoot if it's the mother or father. As my ad was online, occassionally the negotiation process occurs online. In my example above, it was facebook (ooh ahh - the cheatin' network!!!).

And the barn manager - I actually appreciate knowing when my horse threw a shoe, or if the vet is up for somebody else and I have a minor issue I'd like looked at etc.

Seriously, 50% of the people in the world are of the opposite sex. You can't avoid interaction with them. Just because the technology is new doesn't mean using it is automatically an affair waiting to happen. I have work to get to, business to conduct and a horse to look after - I'll use whatever technology is available to me. It's not the technology that makes you vulnerable, it's your (lack of) boundaries.

Yep....I think that since so many A's use cell phones, email, IM'S and such that it is EASIER to "bust" the WS. I know for me it was my H'S "sudden" fascination with TM that rised the flag for me. Add to the fact that his cell phone suddenly became "ultra" sensitve to my viewing...and voila, I'm on the hunt. Four days later, bam....BUSTED...by his affair-phone (as B liked to refer it...).

I also think these technologies "hasten" the affairs. I think people are finding themselves in over their head faster because of it, but in turn, I also think that it also hastens the demise of A's.......a sense of "too much, too soon".

not2fun

The internet does not cause affairs.. ditto with pen and paper... ditto the phone .... ditto talking direct to opposite sex... or whatever other method of communication you want to use.

If you're having an affair YOU caused it.. YOU decided too.

As a culture we always want to blame something other than the person who makes a choice.

It is not complicated. I CHOSE to have an affair.. I AM to blame. Not the internet which I set up meetings with... not the phone I used ... not the car I drove over... not my husband .. not the weather.

I suspect its simply that the internet has replaced other contact and information methods that's all.

It REALLY IS that simple people.

YOU chose to do it. No reasons or excuses accepted here.

I totally agree. To take this a little further back... we could always say it was Eve's fault. She made the original bad choice (or was it Adam)? It was and is still about personal boundaries and choices.

HOWEVER... Dr. Harley says even those who think they have good boundaries are susceptible to fall under the right conditions (or met/unmet emotional needs).

I don't believe having access to technology is what Dr. Harley means by the right conditions. If, however, this is all it takes then you have a very serious problem.

I wasn't saying it was the Internets fault of course it comes down to choice. All I was trying to say is it opens up a whole new platform for weak minded people to more easily find each other hence my question have A's been on the rise recently compared to 20 years ago?

On this I too, agree. All it took for my WW was attendance at A.A. meetings where OM also went.

All true. However, the ease of communication today makes it so much easier for one to get into something they really had no intention of or even wanted to get involved in.

As Dr. Harley notes, almost everyone is capable of having an affair. Those who may be weaker in avoiding temptation - or are at a weak point in their lives - are at greater risk of 'crossing the line' because it's just so much easier for someone who can influence them to do so.

Social media sites like FB are loaded with 'predators' who are just looking for opportunities to take advantage of people. It may be a sexual deviate who can now reach some teenager in another city or even state, or it may be a total loser guy/gal who is so desperate that they'll go after a married woman/man.

Yes, my wife made the choice to engage in a relationship with an 'old friend' that turned into an emotional affair. But without FB, cell phones, texting, etc. the POSOM would never have been able to get into her head like he did. I monitored quite a bit of the communication - he was definitely pursuing her. He was feeding her crap that he must have copied and pasted from a romance novel. She was weak and fell for it, then became addicted to the thrill of the affair. She then became the typical wayward and followed all the scripts. She lost her way.

So no, FB did not cause the affair. the two people involved did. But a few years ago, pre-FB and pre-texting, they would not have been able to even connect with each other.

That ISN'T what Dr. Harley means... the "right conditions" (or wrong) is when spouses are not meeting each other's emotional needs. Technology has nothing to do with that.

Thank you that's all I was trying to say.

True. But this thread is suggesting that affairs are caused by technology. They may be facilitated by technology but the cause is usually something else. And yes both former lovers and predators can find you more easily on the internet but at the end of the day, it's your choice whether to go down that path or not.

And I was overreacting a little to Still_Crazy's suggestions that my use of technology was inappropriate. It's funny, you would think the fact that I car pool (as in, travel inside the same car) with a member of the opposite sex would be more dangerous. Either way, it's about boundaries. I have good ones.

I agree that it is not technologies fault and it is the person's fault, however it is just more ways to let those "boundaries" get away from you without even thinking about it.

And i also realize there are a lot of members of the opposite sex out there but in my 25 years of being married i have never found it hard to only talk to members of the opposite sex in a group setting and lord knows i would not get into a car with another man besides my H.

Ha there it is! Again, it's boudaries and I've developed good ones probably because I've worked in an old boys club for a very long time. These boundaries are my personal protection from the leeches and creepy guys I deal with every day. The car pool guy is just another one of these. The same boundaries apply on the ride in as they do at work. But then again, many people have affairs with coworkers (including my own WXH). Should married people stop going to work? Of course not! They should develop boundaries!

I've been carpooling for years with a variety of men and women. I've had this guy for about 5 years now. We just lost a 3rd rider to retirement and are looking for others. It saves me a fortune in time and money. We miss the retired guy as he had a reserved parking spot. And it never, EVER threatened my marriage. He was the one who cheated, not me.

I'm sorry if it came off like that but when I said "Affairs on the rise because of the internet?" I meant because of accessibility and things like texting, Ashley Madison, Craiglist etc It makes sense to me that it's more opportunity for people to get into trouble. It was just something I observed after being away for a number of years and was curious about.

Trust me I know all about boundaries and what happens when they're taken down and who is responsible for keeping them up.

Once again Linus, pretty much mine and TTFwife's story.

I don't really think there is a debate, or argument here. The boundaries must remain in place when things are going well in a marriage as well as when there are problems in a marriage. If there are some problems, deal with them, fix them, or move on. If the marriage is worth fixing, then do everything you can to do so.

Letting someone else meet your ENs when things aren't going well should never be an option.

The current technology only makes it easier to ignore that. It is a haven for predators who can infiltrate an otherwise good marriage that just needs some maintenace.

No, I am not saying that FB etc. causes As. It just makes the "connection" too darn easy.