Amen to that bro!

Unfortunately my wife or I didn't understand much about needs/boundaries/marital maintenance before the A. We were as I say "Running On Autopilot".

You and hundreds of thousands of other married couples. I had no idea of the concept ENs and LBs etc. until I found this site.

Unfortunately my wife or I didn't understand much about needs/boundaries/marital maintenance before the A. We were as I say "Running On Autopilot".

It's just very sad that we as humans are so intelligent, and informed yet so ignornant when it comes to understandingw these things that should just be plain common sense. Where do we have our heads anyway?

My marriage was/is the most important thing in the world to me, yet I just assumed that everything was hunky dory, and was in "autopilot". Mainly because I trusted absolutely, and blindly.

I hear you that's why it's humbling and sad coming here after all this time and seeing people make the same dumb mistakes over and over. I'll never ever trust like I did Pre A not just the marriage but people in genral. I don't know if that's good or bad but I'm leaning towards good.

I think that the term "healty trust" applies.

Trust, but not completely, blindly, foolishly.

OH, I was just talking today about the huge impact the internet has had on marriages not just from A's but from porn as well.

I'm currently working IRL with a dear friend that allowed himself to be lured into the dark world of porn. It has devastated his wife and his M in the same ways an affair would.

Have you seen the same?

"Affairs on the rise because of the internet?"

I have no numbers but it is my impression that yes. Hopefully this rise will go down as people are more used to all this new media. Maybe after rising still a bit with iphone? with all those applications?

It does has to do with one's character. But I also believe that less people will be caught by the "just a msn... just a mail... nothing wrong bla bla bla" since the internet is already part of future generations lives since childhood.

Emotional Affairs are not yet accepted by a lot of people as an Affair.
It will, and hopefully new generations will have their pre-marriage agreements including the "mi password tu password" kind of agreement.

Also... Facebook, or online games or any social network is replacing other habits... so many A will start over the internet than before.

In a not so recent past the "infidelity" joke used to be about the the neighbor, the baker, the cable guy, the plumber, etc... Recently read an article saying that most affairs nowdays are more likely to happen with a co-wokers since they are the replacement for neighbors.

Yes, physical A are still certaily with those folks (neighbor in my H second A and co-worker in his "first" A)
I do not believe technoly fosters A. I do believe you have to have a wayward mind, then yes you are facilitated by all the technology.
Harley says everyone could have an A...I am not sure about this. You have to be hardwired for it. I am the type of person who, when a problen arises likes to solve it and not cheat on a spouse as a solution.
blessing

I am sure this is true as well, it is so much easier to access even kids can go to those sites.

That is great that you have boundaries and feel that you would not cross them. And you are not married so you are not crossing any boundaries anyway.

However to me riding to work every day with a member of the opposite sex is standing on a slippery slope and i would not do it and i would not want my H to do it either no matter if it saved time or money or anything else.

And i also agree that many A start with co-workers and one does have to work, but once again it IS possible (because i have done it for many years) to complete your business or work or whatever with either members of the same sex or in a group setting if members of the opposite sex are involved. Me personally regardless of what it did for my career would turn down a project if i had to work just one-on-one with a member of the opposite sex.

I look at it this way. Most affairs happen at work. Why? simply because of the amount of time co workers spend together Imo. Now people spend a lot of time on the computer, often alone and almost everyone has a cell phone and now there's a whole new industry dedicated to promoting and hooking up affair partners and it's just a couple clicks away. Add to that virtual affairs which some people may justify because it's safer and easier than a PA and the price of poker has gone up.

it's obvious to me there's more temptation than ever and that's why I was curious if A's have been increasing because of this. We all (hopefully) know about boundaries but there's a lot of people that don't, not that they're looking but you know what they say...timing is everything.

I've been on this planet for 49 years and I don't see morals improving, quite the opposite actually Imo

You would not get far in my business I'm afraid if you couldn't work one-on-one with a man, because there simply aren't very many women and we are grossly descriminated against. Turning down projects for any reason, especially as a woman, is career suicide.

Boundaries are much more than what you physically do and don't do. They include your attitude about yourself, the way you present yourself, the way you react and respond to others, the way you assert yourself and the bar you set for others to treat you (and how you enforce that bar). It's pretty obvious that a married person should not go drinking at a dance club on singles night with their single friends. This type of boundary is easy to enforce (well, it should be!). What's more common is dealing with advances from the opposite sex in normal, everyday settings. At a job like mine, it means constantly - and these advances often include threats of demotion/firing and/or promises of promotion if you succomb to them. They are very subtle, as sexual harrasment is not tolerated in society today, but they still exist. It is also a major pitfall - women who do chose this way to advance end up destroying their reputations in their career, regardless of their marital status. They are eaten alive. Those of us who have succeeded in such an environment have done so because we've earned respect for our boundaries. And those same boundaries work for a marriage as well.

And true, I am not currently married, but I carpooled for years while I was. It did not threaten the M and if anything it prevented a whole lot of LBs and unmet ENs as WXH was very concerned with saving money (which it did) and the extra time taken to drive by myself would have cut in further to any UA time we had.

I would not want to work in a male dominated field however i do work where there are planty of males and i have never had to work one-on-one with a male and i would not even if it meant the loss of advancement or whatever, but those are MY boundaries.

And i agree boundaries are far more than physical, however the ideal situation is if you do not put yourself into situations where you have to enforce boundaries at all (EPs).

I am glad that carpooling did not threaten your marrige, i still would not do it and i would not want my h to do it either.

I would suggest that your awareness is all that has changed.

I'm a lover of history. The old books I read are filled with as much adultery and smut pornagraphic activity as we see today. As King Soloman once said approx 3000 yrs ago...... "There is nothing new under the sun".


I actually believe with all the technology changes ....... we will see this technology aiding in the exposure of affairs more than enabling them. Average people will become more savy to investigative techniques as time continues. Just as clearing history browsers is no longer enough to escape detection with the computor forensics now available.

Let me clarify. The point I was making is that I think many people infer the nature of the interaction from the form of the interaction. I think the internet, texting, chatting, facebook, etc. are all new forms of interaction in which many people infer that because the form is acceptable, the nature is accetable. Taken to it's extreme, some people will conclude it doesn't matter what one "talks" about because it's just e-mail or text. This is what I meant about why I think the technology allows people to get further along before the feel like they've done something wrong.

And at least to me, this is not a foreign concept even without the technology. For example, we see many people who consider going to a work happy hour as different than going to a bar. Some will think anything they do is okay because it's just a work happy hour.

I wouldn't beat myself up about it. It's not as common sense as it seems.

All I mean is "common sense" is the product of one's own experiences. We develop our common sense about relationships based on all the relationships we have up to and during our M. Unfortunately, some of those "rules" we learn in other relationships don't translate well into marriages.

This makes a lot of sense.........

And i am sure you are correct in that some (actually probably more like most) would not think a thing about it because it SEEMS innocent...........

I 1000% agree with this statement. How many of us didn't "notice" the affair messages in movies, TV, or even books until our own world was rocked?....Sure, we saw the tabloid headlines, some political smoe on the nightly news occassionally, but we were all still safe and sound in our coccoons of "it-would/could-never-happen-to-me". I am much more aware of the adultery lines in everything now....


not2fun