Need to some help sorting out some feelings regarding my wayward sister and her STBX.

Facts of the case:
1. WS (wayward sister) did the typical sneaking around affair, sleeping with OM while living with my BIL.

2. WS moved out months ago, paperwork has been filed, awaiting 90 day waiting period for final divorce.

3. I am estranged from WS, I refuse to be in a room with OM, don't want to hear anything about the affair, in planB from WS.

4. BIL started dating, may be getting comfortable with someone he met who was not involved in destruction of marriage.

Is it hypocritical of me to be OK with BIL relationship when I won't accept WS relationship?

My exH was dating while we were separated during my affair and I did not consider those relationships to be affairs. Yes, we were legally married, but living in separate houses and I was shacked up with OM. The women he was involved in did not participate in the destruction of my marriage, that was all on me.

Please help me examine my feelings on this issue.

I am fearful for your BIL. After a hurt of this magnitude, I think a "taking stock" time would be called for and any relationship started too soon could potentially be hurtful for all parties involved.

JMO, tho.

I think I would be concerned about your BIL because he is trying to begin a new relationship on rocky soil and that could come back to haunt him.
Regardless of its status, he is still in a M. He is still committing A, just not the sneaking-around variety.
It's a different flavor of infidelity but it's still infidelity. I would be inclined to distance myself from the whole bunch after letting them know my thoughts, above.

I would be warning BIL about the dangers of diving into a new relationship on the rebound. Married is married in my book.

Thanks for the feedback. Regarding my values, I admit that I am much more offended by the sneaking around A's that marital bliss referred to as opposed to the waiting for the ink to dry A's.

I have spoken to BIL often about rebound relationships and wondering what caliber of women would date a man so recently separated. It does seem like a recipe for disaster, especially for the woman.

I guess I have taken so much time post divorce to learn about myself as opposed to dating immediately, I am not sure that I am any more emotionally healthy than those that get back out there immediately.

Again, thanks for the feedback.

Though I fully respect the opinion of others on this board, I'm inclined to agree with you Jean. It's almost like it is adultery without the infidelity (if that makes sense). It lacks the hurtfulness, deceitfulness and hatefulness of the WSTBXW's affair. Nevertheless, rebound relationships whether they occur before or after the ink dries are virtually always painful. And it is still technically adultery so there likely will be some guilt down the road for this man. Clearly this is a person that you love and have concern for. Why not try to help him through his issues so he won't feel the need for the rebound relationship? In any event, he's in for another painful crash when this relationship ends, which it will.

Try to think of it like vehicular manslaughter vs. first degree murder. Both are horrible and punishable by law. The person who committed vehicular manslaughter lost control of their car while doing something wrong, though not nearly so serious as murder. It just worked out that way. Though they are still to blame, one can feel bad for them knowning that they likely suffer from huge remorse and guilt. The first degree murderer had full knowledge and intent to kill someone. It's pretty hard to have sympathy for this person.

When marriage is considered only to be something written on paper and not to be taken seriously.

Yes....Has anyone brought this to your attention, called you a hypocrite, or is this something that came to you on your own??...(IF it came to you on your own, it is your conscience trying to tell you something....that is your needle in the haystack...)


Could this have been a guilt issue??...Meaning, while you were shacked up with the OM, you thought and felt like you COULDN'T consider these dates "affairs", since after all you were living with OM??.....could it be that it is this same guilt/thinking/waywardness still be hindering your thought process on this???


True and fair, but it does not excuse your H's (at the time) behavior. But I think it is this line of thinking that clouds you from seeing it for what it really was. I also think it is this line of thinking that clouds you from seeing the true nature of what your BIL is doing.

While I wouldn't take the same approach to BIL that you have with your sister, a gentle rebuking is still in order for this guy.......nothing good can come from his dating, at least not anything long term.....


Be careful what you ask for......

not2fun

It came to me about five seconds after he asked me if I was comfortable meeting her.


Definately a guilt component, if he was happily dating/living with someone else, I could feel less guilty about my affair. It didn't work though, I still feel guilty 9 years after my affair, his affair and our divorce.


I do believe that jumping into relationships immediately after betrayal is not healthy, I am not sure it aids in the destruction of the marriage. UNLESS it makes the BS less willing to work the program and wait out the affair. But that sounds silly for a WS to whine that a BS didn't wait out the affair.

You can always ask BIL if he would be bothered that people may call him a cheater. If he says he doesn't care or tries to explain why/how his adultery is "different", you can merely point out that most people will not care about his disclaimer. If he does not care...fine...but he shouldn't get bent out of shape if people view him as one either.

I can understand why a BS feels this way but it doesn't make it any less wrong.

But it does....it may not be the first INTIAL blow, but it still destructive to the M.EVEN IF, divorce is proceeding, EVEN IF both parties think it is over....it is never TRULY over, until that final decree has come down.



Of course it does....BUT did your H's "dating" hurt you on SOME level???.....

You still need to answer Pep's questions......

not2fun

Pepperband,

I am not ignoring your questions, just figuring out where my line is.

Given my experiences and what I have learned, I personally, would not date a man legally married, divorce filed and living apart. I am not sure I would date a man until he had been divorced for some time and had time to be on his own.

But that is my preference based on my exH being gone for over 4 years and what I have learned in that process.

I still don't see what my exH did by dating while we were separated as "cheating".

As long as I always use the same standards, even if they are flawed, can I not be a hypocrite?

The only person that would be upset by me accepting BILs realtionship would be my wayward sister. She would call me a hypocrite.

Pepperband,

Missed your last post about "ink dries" and my guilt.

My guilt comes from the cheating, sneaking, lying A that I had while married to my BH. I didn't even do the sleeping with two guys thing (didn't go PA until months after I had moved out) and I still feel very guilty.

I broke the marital contract (but technically, BH may have slept with someone first, I never even thought about that).

Man, this is getting complicated. Maybe a big black line between right and wrong would make this easier!

I think it all boils down to how much do you value marriage. Is it just an arrangement two both parties in your case? You cheated, ran off, he started hooking up w/ new women, yall can both still be "friends" w/ a guilt free concsience. Or is Marriage a mystical, God blesses covenant between a man and a woman unlike ANY other relationship. Obviously, you didn't feel that way, neither did your husband. You two were basically just shacking up legally and didn't view marriage like very few do.(mainly on here where people worship marriage) DUDE

>Maybe a big black line between right and wrong would make this easier!

There is one.

It's a CHOICE to descern grey.