Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 15 of 22 1 2 13 14 15 16 17 21 22
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 940
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 940
Originally Posted by black_raven
Until she has quit and deleted, you should continue with exposure. Her words mean nothing at this point. Do not back down now.

Great news - DO NOT BACK DOWN!


Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12

'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin

'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
Tony Robbins
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
Originally Posted by jcb
Wife agreed last night to quit work and delete facebook....but acted like I was forcing her to do something she didn't want to do....

Was a NC letter in your specifications? If not, it should be.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
jcb,

""Wife agreed last night to quit work and delete facebook....""

Talks cheap, brother and waywards lie.

You should forge on ahead.

Stay strong.

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
Originally Posted by jcb
Wife agreed last night to quit work and delete facebook....but acted like I was forcing her to do something she didn't want to do....


Yep, so did mine, and despite our bizarre back-and-forth in recovery, we ARE in recovery. With some work from a counselor (appointment with Jennifer from Sunday) and better enforcement of my personal boundaries, I have high hopes that my wife will recognize her wayward thinking and quit it.

Step 1 was that extremely reluctant, "you're twisting my arm" agreement to quit all contact, put in place extraordinary precautions, etc.

If she went back to work today, though... dude, she needs to file her notice that she's done as of right now, not in two weeks.


Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
Two Years Later
Four Years Later
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jcb
Wife agreed last night to quit work and delete facebook....but acted like I was forcing her to do something she didn't want to do....

Talk is CHEAP. The only thing that is acceptable is action. When will she quit? Will the facebook be deleted today? And will she send the nc letter to the OM?

Also, the OM's GF still has to be told about the affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
One of my best comical disarming lines I have used to difuse a situation
"Talk is cheap..and so am I!"

The curse is that from that day forth every time I see or hear "Talk is cheap" a little voice goes off in my head like Roger rabbit and says "and so am I"

rotflmao


Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
J
jcb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
Latest update..

Wife quit her job, gave 1 week notice...
Deleted facebook account entirely...
She admitted everything to our kids and told her mother..
Told me it was OK if I confronted the Om and girlfriend

We spent the entire weekend talking, she told me all the details I asked about (most wasn't as bad as I thought)

Anyways, we'll see what happens...

Very hopeful right now..

Thanks for everyone's help!


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by jcb
Latest update..

Wife quit her job, gave 1 week notice...
Deleted facebook account entirely...
She admitted everything to our kids and told her mother..
Told me it was OK if I confronted the Om and girlfriend

We spent the entire weekend talking, she told me all the details I asked about (most wasn't as bad as I thought)

Anyways, we'll see what happens...

Very hopeful right now..

Thanks for everyone's help!

Well! I'm impressed! I was a little worried about you, jcb. clap


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
clap

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jcb
Latest update..

Wife quit her job, gave 1 week notice...
Deleted facebook account entirely...
She admitted everything to our kids and told her mother..
Told me it was OK if I confronted the Om and girlfriend

We spent the entire weekend talking, she told me all the details I asked about (most wasn't as bad as I thought)

Anyways, we'll see what happens...

Very hopeful right now..

Thanks for everyone's help!

clap You changed from a SERF into a KNIGHT right before our eyes. Way to stand up for your marriage and lead your FAMILY! hurray


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
hurray Awesome! Sounds like a win to me. I love happy endings. clap


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 940
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 940
Sorry, no cute icons, but GREAT JOB!


Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12

'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin

'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
Tony Robbins
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
JCB,

AWESOME BROTHER!!!

Icons, I got a bunch of steenking icons....

clap hurray clap hurray dance2 dance2 dance2 dance2 hurray clap hurray clap

cool



CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,549
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,549
Glad to hear it.
Now, GET TO WORK on that recovery plan.
Your real battle is in front of you.
Stay strong, come here for support!


Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by jcb
Latest update..

We spent the entire weekend talking, she told me all the details I asked about (most wasn't as bad as I thought)

Trickle truth is usually a problem for recovery. WS usually lie.
Did she admit sex with OM?


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 35
X
Member
Offline
Member
X
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 35
Now the real work begins.

Best of luck in your recovery!

xring

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
J
jcb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
She did admit to having sex with OM. Explained in detail. It wasn't as bad hearing about it as I has made it out to be.

I will be giving frequent updates, and I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all the good advice. I NEVER would have made it this far if I hadn't found MB and all the good people here. Maybe someday I can give someone in a similar situation a piece of good advice here and help them through their dark times.

Thank you so much!

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Remind her that truth in dribbles drags out and delays your recovery.

Don't believe much of what you hear until she earns your trust.

Make sure she understands that the full truth now is better to hear than having it drag out over time. Your time will continue to piece things together and you will know in your gut when something isn't quite right.


Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
Remind her that truth in dribbles drags out and delays your recovery.

Don't believe much of what you hear until she earns your trust.

Make sure she understands that the full truth now is better to hear than having it drag out over time. Your time will continue to piece things together and you will know in your gut when something isn't quite right.

Good advice

JCB Grats on the beginning of recovery. You will have ups and downs so come back if you needs us k?
Hope you are usin the harleys.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,246
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,246
Are you kidding me? wink Just one 2x4 upside your head from the RookKev and you get your wife to come clean, quit her job, and delete accounts? My goodness, I must have perfected my swing!!! smile

All kidding aside, that is great news. Now comes the part I tried to mention. Your recovery is going to hinge upon your ability to forgive. Not necessarily feel like forgiveness yet, but ACTING like you are trying to forgive will go a long ways. Remember, she didn't end up where she is without you failing a bit on your part in the marriage. Don't expect a whole lot of 'good' stuff from her right now. It is a long slow road...decide that your actions will not hinge upon her actions or emotions for awhile (maybe forever). If you can begin to operate off of what you think/know, rather than what you feel, you will safeguard yourself from her mood swings that will come.

Good luck, and hang in there. (by the way, I think i'm just past 6 years of recovery now...and my wife's last comments to me the other night was she was so glad we have a marriage like we have...)


9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
Page 15 of 22 1 2 13 14 15 16 17 21 22

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 28 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
IrishTurtle, Sanvi9, TempName, ChellyAlicia, DagnyDrew
71,754 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,555
Posts2,322,901
Members71,755
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5