I am feeling better today.

Yeah me too. I still don't understand how he conclude that our marriage can't work with only giving it 3 weeks.

Fog babble never makes sense.
WH wanted to look good for the holidays.
Then, split.
Ratbassturd

I have a question....with Plan A if the WH isn't living at home, would it be ok to text him little messages, like "I miss you" and "I still love you" or is that a big NO NO?

I wish I knew! Mine is out too. I think that anything that would make you seem desperate is a no-no. I think the idea is to be the person they fell in love with.

Have you seen the "carrot and stick" post?

No What forum is it under?

I don't see where you exposed the affair. Why is that? IF you want him back, you're wasting valuable time by not exposing.

How do they know? Did YOU tell them?

Yes Cat is right! You have to expose! I just bumped the "carrot and stick" for you.

I have told his family and his friends, my family knows as well as our closest friends and church family. Our children know as well as alot of people in our community (we live in a very small rural community).

Like I asked how does Plan A work if WH is not living here at home with his family. I did do Plan A when he was here, however there were a few days that I was overcomed with emotions. But I tried to meet is emotional needs.

I think he was going through withdraws for OW and convinced himself that he wasn't "in love" with me anymore due to the fact that he was missing her.

I still have been checking his phone records and email. There is still no contact with OW using either one of those, but he could have a new email and using a payphone.

I don't know, like I said he only dropped the "I am not in love with you" bomb 5 days ago. I want him to wake up and realize what he is losing. He has been texting our DDs "I love you" every morning and they don't text him back, but he thinks "they will be ok, they are kids".

Thankls again for all the advice, it really has helped!

How about her family, friends and coworkers? Or his co-workers?

Did you look at the "carrot and stick"? It is a thread and I bumped it; it should be on the first page still.

He's still in the military, right? They are the most powerful weapon I've seen when it comes to ending affairs. You HAVE to do what they say, and they do NOT go along with affairs. I would contact his commanding officer.

True, so true Cat! I wish mine were still, "in". He's a civilian, yet I will soon be contacting the Lt. Col. of my husbands base as well regarding other issues. I must be sure I am protected first though.

Listen to Cat! She knows her stuff!

I have told some of his co-workers. I know nothing about her family she lives in another state far from us.

I did contact his Col. I haven't told him about the affair because I heard that they will take away his retirement, and the lawyer said I am entitled to half. I don't want to lose that. However I did them him that WH came home from Iraq with this grand idea of not loving me and wanting out of the marriage. He saidhe would call and talk with him.

WH hasn't talked to anyone, well the marriage counselor and that was very little. When he returned home from Iraq he had 5 weeks vacation from his job with alot of idle time. I think when the children and I were not home he would just think about it all and convenced himself that leaving us was a good thing.

I did look at the carrot and the stick thread. But not to sure how to do it with him not living here.

LH,

Is there a PTSD component to H? Did anything other than the A happen in Iraq? My H has depression from nearly 3 1/2 years of deployments.

I think it very unlikely that your H would lose his retirement if you expose the A to the command. They would require either proof or admission of guilt in order to do that. My husband self-reported to the command, gave a sworn afidavit and both he and OW received Art 15's. Also, note that as a reservist your H will not collect retirement until age 60, less some months credit for OIF.

Come on. Find the OW's family. I was in Richmond, OWH was in Atlanta. It took me less than 10 minutes to find their home telephone number on the internet. I called OWH within 2 hours of finding out about the A. OWH was not surprised. It was her 3rd A that he knew about. OWH also provided me with another set of eyes and ears that helped to end contact.

Plan A: Do kids do any sports or other activities and H might want to attend? If so, invite him for a family dinner, either out or at home. Dress and smell nice; smile alot and most importantly, do not love bust by being angry or judgmental. No relationship talk.

AM

Hi lh9541,

I thought I would try to give you some pointers regarding Plan A while apart.

I was doing the following:
Sending e-mail links to news items I thought he would be interested in.
Sending him e-cards
Instant messaging him: with funny things that had happened during the day or reminiscing about a fun thing that we had experienced together, or asking him a question that I knew he would know the answer to
Sending him letters which expressed my faith in him or said that something happened which reminded me of how well he used to do ? for us.
Sent some photos of us or our family etc.
Sent his favourite chocolate or dvd recordings of a favourite tv show or a new music cd I got and thought he would like.

Has it worked in breaking up the affair? No, but it hasn't done any harm. Even though WS never acknowledged the things I did unless I asked him if he had received the postal things, I know that he read the e-mails and even kept a few.

Good luck

TM

WH has not seen his children in over a week. I am so upset with what he is doing to them, even though he says "they're just kids, they'll be ok."

This is typical wayward. Read bestrongforyou's thread.
Her WS hadn't seen his kids for 3 months and over Christmas spent a total of 6.5 hours with them.

I am not diminishing what you are going through, just pointing out that it isn't totally surprising.

You'll be amazed at what they turn into. When my dad left, he still saw me, but we did one of two things every week: went to the mall and he bought me a coke and we sat in the food court and watched people walk by, or he took me to his girlfriend of the week's house, so I could babysit her kids while they went out. Oh, and one time he took me to see Barbarella.

Have YOU actually called anyone up and asked about this? This is an awfully important thing for you to be ignoring just because of something you 'heard.'

This is from the Army website...

Paying the price

If the relationship does become physical, servicemembers may risk hurting their spouses, children and future. If convicted of adultery, Soldiers may face severe punishments.

"The military does not tolerate adultery," said Davis.

Under the service-wide Uniformed Code of Military Justice, Article 134, which addresses adultery, the maximum sentence for adultery is dishonorable discharge, imprisonment for one year and forfeiture of pay and allowances, said Staff Judge Advocate chief of military justice Capt. Jennifer O'Neill.

"Each charge must meet certain elements before (the Soldier) can be prosecuted and convicted of adultery," she said. "Punishment could vary depending on circumstances, and other things such as the rank of the Soldier, or whether they used government facilities to commit the crime."

To be convicted of adultery, the charge must meet three requirements: the Soldier wrongfully had sexual intercourse; either the Soldier or the other person, or both, were married to someone else at the time; and the act must be prejudicial to good order and discipline or service discrediting, O'Neill said.

An act that is prejudicial to good order and discipline means the affair has an obvious and measurable divisive effect on unit discipline, morale or cohesion or is detrimental to the authority or respect toward a Soldier, said O'Neill. Service discrediting means the act casts the U.S. Army in a negative light, and because of the open or notorious nature, lowers the public esteem of the service, she added.

Even if the adultery does not meet the requirements for conviction, Soldiers can still find themselves in hot water.

"Commanders have discretion on what actions they want to take, but everything has to be investigated first," said O'Neill. "It's based on such things as the marital status of both individuals; how egregious the act was; whether it accompanied other violations of the UCMJ; how it affected the other Soldiers and the unit; how it affected the Army; and any misuse of any government time or resources."

Whether individuals have physical relationships or online relationships, families can still be ripped apart, and adultery isn't worth the risk, said Davis, who encourages couples to seek proactive counseling.

"Even couples who aren't facing problems can attend counseling sessions to learn ways to enhance their relationships," she said.

"We work with couples experiencing problems and help them rekindle their relationships - showing the couples ways to find the qualities (in their partners) they fell in love with," said Davis.

Post chaplains offer similar services for Soldiers and their family members.

"The family is one of the strongest sources of strength for any Soldier. Losing a family means the Soldier loses support, and for a Soldier to be effective, (he or she) needs family support to be able to continue the mission," said Williams.

For more information about marital counseling, contact Stella Davis at the Family Advocacy Program at 255-3246, or contact the unit chaplain or call the chaplain's office at 255-2989. For more information about the Uniformed Code of Military Justice, Article 134, visit http://usmilitary.about.com and see the Justice, Law & Legislation link.

From: http://www.army.mil/-news/2006/10/02/394-cyber-affairs---are-they-the-new-adultery/