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we actually did that on our own long before I had even been on this site. Part of the work we did was based on exactly what those questionaires say even though we didn't know about them. The love bank and steps to avoid an affair were put in place long before I had ever stumbled onto this site.
I remember the evening when we both wrote statements as to where we felt the other had gone wrong or was lacking. exchanged them, prioritised the importance of where each other had gone wrong and committed to try every day to avoid any problems learned.
Read my wifes letter to me, it tells you that we went to great length to discuss all that had got us to where we were and how to avoid it happening again. Perhaps it's the way your write. Or the way I read. What I read was, We already know all about MB principles, and so we don't need to read and learn any more. In fact, we went so much further because we chose to look at each other's faults instead of looking at our own. This site has been helpful in that it has provided me with some nifty buzzwords that I can use to continue to work Bingo's program.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Thankyou chaumont. I did get the impression that there was some religious views being thrown my way. I don't have a problem with that. I am at peace with what I have done in the past just living with it today and reminding myself of it can be tricky.
I am in reading mode now.
Thanks for your support.
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Fred, that is totally wrong.
I am not arrogant enough to assume I know best. We looked at each others faults and certainly looked at our own. That is surely the only way to work on a problem.
I came here admitting that I had problems. Don't shoot me down for that.
I have printed off the MB principles and have put in place most. I wasn't suggesting that I was doing it my way alone. The bible is interpreted in different ways by different people. This is no different.
I was actually just stating that by chance, we got some of it right before even getting here. Luck more than judgement, which I have had quite enough of for the time being.
Thanks for your help
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I think we all got off the point of my post in that I was feeling insecure about the fact that I was taking a great deal of time getting over something that hurt me. It went from that to a massive debate about my past marriage and how and why I came to be married. My marriage has been faithful and I am blessed to have a lovely wife and that is what I wish to protect, as does she, forever and beyond.
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I truly and honestly wish you well, Bingo. As one whose marriage is probably one that should NOT be recovered, I am in a poor position to pass judgment on anyone else's. I would really like to see you and your wife build the best and strongest marriage possible.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Thanks so much. I know that we will. I look at her right now asleep and pregnant and couldn't think of a better place to be. I sincerely wish you well too. Advice, if I am now allowed to give it. Life is short. Marriage is very, very important, but I have seen my parents and grandparents die in unhappy marriages that should never have been saved. I will not be taking my last breath regretting the person that is holding my hand should not have been my wife and life partner.....that's for sure.
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if you try your best but you don't succeed etc etc. Coldplay
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oh, and finally. I believe in true love and I believe that somehow our angels throw us together for good reason. I have met friends that way that have been vital to our lives, I have met my wife that way too. I understand everything everyone has said about affairages but stand by the fact that fate/our angels played a hand is allowing us to collide. I didn't realise that even true love needs work. The angels gave me the gift of love and my wife, unfortunately they didn't leave instructions. This site does and I am grateful that I found it.
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**edit**
Last edited by Revera; 01/08/10 05:12 PM. Reason: TOS - multiple aliases
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hi bingo. be careful of advice from those who confuse legality with morality, pieces of paper in a court house do not represent god's will , too, those who project their own bias onto divine will are to be avoided as well. as is the case with all of us. you must listen to your own counsel. the experiences of others can be a great help or hindernance, you are not a total numbnuts, I see by your spelling you are in the u.k. generally speaking, the population there may be less fundalmentalist than here in the u.s. remember , at one time of another , all step wrong in one way or the other. jesus seemed to teach that his philosophy was a matter of the heart. based on love. he offended the order of the day by healing on sundays, forgiving others etc. the religious leaders of the day , also pronunced him wrong. to a sincere person adultry is a matter of the heart. to those who have helped lawyers wreck our world its a matter of paper work and money . trust your own counsel. many here simply wish you the best. Very wise counsel. bingo, Please remember that you don't have to live up to anyone else's moral compass. If you know in your heart that your relationship with your current wife is honest, then the thoughts of others on the subject are irrelevant. Also, this site is very "black & white" in its thinking and approach. I've found much that I can use here, but I also find myself at odds with it at times, as I live my life in a world full of "shades of grey". As you have experienced, there are precious few "ABSOLUTES" in this life. Many times, we simply have to do the best with the cards we are dealt, and some times no matter how we play them, we lose in some form or another. Just be true to YOUR OWN values, and GOOD LUCK. Wow, Bingo gets all the new and one-time posters on this thread siding w/ him. How lucky can you get??? BINGO DUDE
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I do know it's honest and always have done. I did get a rotten hand in my first marriage and played it as best I could, but I did loose. I know that I am lucky in what I have and that it was saved from the jaws of death by the fact that two people in love forgot how to communicate and got floored. I have stared loss in the face, didn't like the look of it and made an effort (both of us) to ensure we never hurt each other again.
I thank my wife every day for the fact that she only ever gave up on me for a moment and gained enough strength from that moment to continue the fight and show me where I was going wrong so I could work on myself and never let either of us down again.
True love is a wonderful and lucky thing indeed. I took it for granted and will never, ever do that again.
I have learned a great deal today and been brutally honest at all times. Taken a battering and survived in the knowledge that I was on the right track, just not seeing the wood from the trees.
This focus that I was having on the negative thing that happened prior to my marriage is now very much more in perspective and I now know that it was a blessing in disguise. Harsh one, but a blessing all the same.
I have also realised that trust takes time and I am an impatient numbnuts. Healing also.
What I absolutely know is that I love my wife for all the right reasons and that will never change. How we got there and why are irrelevant. I refuse to be judged because I am now happily married.
Thanks
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hi bingo. be careful of advice from those who confuse legality with morality, pieces of paper in a court house do not represent god's will , too, those who project their own bias onto divine will are to be avoided as well. as is the case with all of us. you must listen to your own counsel. the experiences of others can be a great help or hindernance, you are not a total numbnuts, I see by your spelling you are in the u.k. generally speaking, the population there may be less fundalmentalist than here in the u.s. remember , at one time of another , all step wrong in one way or the other. jesus seemed to teach that his philosophy was a matter of the heart. based on love. he offended the order of the day by healing on sundays, forgiving others etc. the religious leaders of the day , also pronunced him wrong. to a sincere person adultry is a matter of the heart. to those who have helped lawyers wreck our world its a matter of paper work and money . trust your own counsel. many here simply wish you the best. Very wise counsel. bingo, Please remember that you don't have to live up to anyone else's moral compass. If you know in your heart that your relationship with your current wife is honest, then the thoughts of others on the subject are irrelevant. Also, this site is very "black & white" in its thinking and approach. I've found much that I can use here, but I also find myself at odds with it at times, as I live my life in a world full of "shades of grey". As you have experienced, there are precious few "ABSOLUTES" in this life. Many times, we simply have to do the best with the cards we are dealt, and some times no matter how we play them, we lose in some form or another. Just be true to YOUR OWN values, and GOOD LUCK. THIS and that other newby (who ARE the SAME PERSON registerd twice and very well could be you [or your wifestress] posting to yourself) are, ironically, telling you precisely what I did in my first post on this thread. "Just click your heals together and you can go back to OZ (fantasy affair-land)" He can "know in his heart" whatever he wants to...doesn't make it real OR honest whatsoever. On top of that...it's just the self-delusion of the RELIGION you are spoutting herein: Either Atheism or "Being good enough on our own would be a doctrine of salvation by works alone" otherwise called Pelagianism. Mr. Wondering p.s. - This poster is a unmedicated bi-polar. He won't learn anything here and will continue on with this thread until he gets bored and moves on to the next thing his racing mind attaches to. I suggest we all TRY to stop beating our heads against the wall as there is NO WINNING AN ARGUMENT and NO RATIONAL DISCUSSION to be had with a mentally ill unmedicated cycling bi-polar. Whereas some people don't get it and don't get that they don't get it...this guy doesn't get it and CAN'T until his underlying mental condition is addressed and treated.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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oh and Dude007. You've been on this site posting for 2 1/2 years. Perhaps you should also look at yourself instead of judging others and making them feel worse.
Surely the fact that you are on here so often and for so long means that you are not spending time with your loved one !?
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i am not double posting, how dare you. and my wife is asleep.
shame on you. Go see your FWW and have some fun.
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I refuse to be judged because I am now happily married. 
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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your a doctor are you mrwondering.
5 years on this site means that you are not recovered.
Maybe you need to see one.
I am not cycling, I am not either high or low today and have explained that the episodes are few and far between these days.
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no wonder few make it through the first day of this forum. There is a great deal of bitterness and religious views that may not be for everyone and their recovery.
The AA may work for some, but it has only a 5% success rate. This feels very much on the same ilk . Old timers beating up newbies.
Good luck to those that spend years here. I have a wife and kids to attend to and feel blessed to be able to say that.
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i am not double posting, how dare you. and my wife is asleep.
shame on you. Go see your FWW and have some fun. Well if that's the case...then tell me why these TWO posters show up at nearly the same time...identify you as being somewhere in the UK and imply that they live over in the US but end up using UK language themselves...including the following obvious blunder: Also, this site is very "black & white" in its thinking and approach. I've found much that I can use here, but I also find myself at odds with it at times, as I live my life in a world full of "shades of grey". Americans spell it "GRAY"...not "GREY". Nice try though. Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I have this feeling that we've been played. 
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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played by who. I swear on my 4 and a bit childrens lifes that I am not double posting. why would I ? I have no axe to grind and have no reason to justify myself twice.
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