Still waiting to hear one.

I am a believer in marriage, but failed to get it right first time round. I don't blame anyone but me and my ex wife and certainly don't consider my CW to have anything to do with my divorce. I only ever said initially that I met her whilst divorcing. In some countries I could have been divorced in 4 months, its just slow going over here.

i mean proper because I feel differently about marriage now. I was 21 when I made a decision that I lived to regret and keep getting beaten up for here. It's so unhelpful.
And yes if I was having an affair, then 9 years later I am testament to the fact that there can be success.

What's the average length of a marriage ?

Bingo, your doin it again, justifying. Just move on...

I'm being asked/told to justify, thats why.
I am trying to move on but people seem so hell bent of dragging up a failure that it is not helping.

Bingo, how can you be a teastment to the success of affairages when nine years later you find yourself in this place on these forums posting that you can't seem to get over your wife's ONS?

It is those kind of seriously foggy comments that resulted in 2X4s for you. What about counseling with SH and/or an MB weekend. You reply to certain things that grab your attention. Curious.


God's Blessings,

Say

Bingo, this is where I have a problem. You see, this site is all about MARRIAGE. In your *mind* you were a single man, but in *fact* you were still married. There is a sense of what is proper and what is not. Marriage is either a sacred institution or it is not. This is why waywards sometimes go out of their way to convince people that "we were separated before I took up with XYZ" because they think that somehow "makes it OK."

You know what? My WW is sleeping with another man, the POSOM. She is still married to me. That makes it ADULTERY. And even though we're headed down the D Trail, I will not even try to date another woman until the D is final. To do so would lower me to her level. And my depth meter doesn't go that low.

ok, i was unfaithful. In the eyes of the lord I was still married and I deeply regret that it hurts anyone here. Or anyone anywhere for that matter. I know it didn't hurt my ex wife and that is what matters to me. She was, as I have said, already seeing someone.
I am not trying to say that my affairage is a wonderful thing, but we are married, we have been together 9 years and now we have got over a hump are blissfully happy. I was just privately (from my CW) trying to broach the subject of not getting over a ONS prior to marriage and hoping to gain some insight. It appears that character assassination seems to be the way you folk cure each other. I was not ready for that, and now realise that my very slight problem is just time and the fact that I obsess generally in a depressed sort of way.
In the UK a decree nici is final the decree absolute only serves to complete the financial and child aspects of the divorce. For me it was complex because I wanted (as did they) to be with the kids half the time, and that had to go to court as my ex was wanting more money than I actually had. No fight really just the process.
I gave in to temptation sure, but I am not and never have stated that morally I was right. I think quite the opposite actually.
This site has actually unsettled me more that I was before.

You know what? It looks to me like he gets it, folks. He's been told ad nauseum what YOU think he should have done and that YOU think he should just divorce this woman because he erred. Well, guess what? We ALL err. And hopefully, we ALL learn. I can bet good bucks that he would not do the same thing AGAIN because of what he has learned here.

So...where does that leave him? With a WIFE. No matter how he ended up with her, he IS married. And he IS here trying to fix it. And he IS here agreeing with you, despite the monumental whopping he's been getting, that he has a lot of personal work to do. He's still here, which is a lot more than can be said for most of the people who get battered into goo around here for affairages.

So how about we go down THAT road now? Help him figure out exactly what to work on so no more damage is done?

also, affairs happen for a good reason. My affair, if that what it is now, after 9 years, against all odds, was because I was divorcing in agreement and met someone that has been since my soulmate and friend, my lover and my kids mother. She mad a mistake, I made many and we moved on.
I quite rightly felt and still feel insecure because of what has happened, but that does not relate to my first marriage which ended nearly 10 years ago.
My second relationship has lasted nearly as long and my marriage, as far as I am concerned, is forever.
Why is that sooooo wrong ?

I actually printed them all out and understand the principle. They don't change the past they look at today and how to secure everything for a happy marriage, which is precisely what I am trying to do.

Thank you so much catperson. That means a great deal. I actually am shedding tears.

I do get it, I did @�$% up and I have found a person that I wish to be with for the rest of my life but was no good at making her feel that that i what I wanted. We hit a wall, bounced off it and fell to the floor hand in hand. We got up hand in hand and have been that way ever since. I adore my wife and all that marriage means. I hurt because I have been hurt and only thought it was taking a long time to heal. Apparently it is normal and as such I am happy with my lot. Knowing that it is not just me that takes time to heal is good. I have before this, never spoken to one person about this matter, apart from my wife and we have got this far.
I only came here for some reassurances that I was not being a total numbnuts about the ONS.

I wasn't doing it for you so much as to redirect the thread back to the original point; 100-200 posts just to get you to admit something is not resolving anything. You say you now understand where you have been lacking; what are you doing to that end for personal improvement? You say you've read the material; what steps have you taken to incorporate MB program? Have you both filled out the LB questionnaire and gone over it? That is your first step.

Bingo, if you re-read your entire thread, you will see that I was the third person to respond to you. I didn't throw brickbats or insults at you, I simply tried to get you to see how the "process" here works.

You have pushed back, argued, insulted and in many ways, made a mockery of this site. And yet, people here are trying to help you.

Catperson was one of your original respondents (#2, gc was #1). Pepperband has been gently, subtly trying to get you to GET YOU TO READ AND LEARN MB CONCEPTS. All of the talk and wordplay on this forum amounts to naught if you don't understand what it takes to recover and build your marriage.

I try not to speak for others, but I believe that anyone and everyone who has responded to you has been trying to help you accomplish these goals. Are they what you want?

If so, then I think it's time you took a breather from posting here and started reading the articles on this site. Start by clicking on the links to the right, under "Most Popular Links." Read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts. Read The Most Important Emotional Needs article. Dig, dive and spelunk your way around this site, absorbing everything you can.

Only then will you understand what the people here are trying to do to help you. If you do not, you will continue to get the you often seem to deserve.

No one here is your enemy unless you make them so. Remember, the people here have all been victimized in one way or another by the horrid crime of marital abuse. When the one person to whom you have vowed to honor, protect, love and defend stabs you in the heart, the emotional toll it takes is unparalleled. Take heed.

If you want what we have, and are willing to go to any lengths to get it... (where have I heard that before? )

we actually did that on our own long before I had even been on this site. Part of the work we did was based on exactly what those questionaires say even though we didn't know about them. The love bank and steps to avoid an affair were put in place long before I had ever stumbled onto this site.
I remember the evening when we both wrote statements as to where we felt the other had gone wrong or was lacking. exchanged them, prioritised the importance of where each other had gone wrong and committed to try every day to avoid any problems learned.
Read my wifes letter to me, it tells you that we went to great length to discuss all that had got us to where we were and how to avoid it happening again.

ok. time for a rest. I will read and keep reading. Thanks for your support one and all.
Cheers for now .

hi bingo. be careful of advice from those who confuse legality with morality, pieces of paper in a court house do not represent god's will , too, those who project their own bias onto divine will are to be avoided as well. as is the case with all of us. you must listen to your own counsel. the experiences of others can be a great help or hindernance, you are not a total numbnuts, I see by your spelling you are in the u.k. generally speaking, the population there may be less fundalmentalist than here in the u.s. remember , at one time of another , all step wrong in one way or the other. jesus seemed to teach that his philosophy was a matter of the heart. based on love. he offended the order of the day by healing on sundays, forgiving others etc. the religious leaders of the day , also pronunced him wrong. to a sincere person adultry is a matter of the heart. to those who have helped lawyers wreck our world its a matter of paper work and money . trust your own counsel. many here simply wish you the best.