M: 13 years
DS: 7 years
DD: 5 years
D-Day: 9/23/09

ME: BS - Quit drinking, lost 60 Lbs, have my mom helping out with the kids, and going to a therapist to attack my own demons. I've been damn near father of the year for the last four months. And today I'm suspicious, a little depressed, easily distracted and somewhat obsessed over the A stuff lately, but I don't mind saying that my side of the street has cleaned up nicely this last 4 months.

WS: First there was her EA. Said it was over, but her best friend told me she had multiple guys and was still seeing him, her OM - a one month fling and then she got dumped. So she crumpled into a broken heart from him and we started couples therapy where I've been listening to what a bad husband I've been for the last umpteen years... Two weeks in to therapy I found her txt messages which basically outed that she just had an unprotected one night stand w/ somebody else. She spent Sept, Oct, Nov chasing guys staying out every night and lying about who she was with / where she was, but sometimes seeming lucid and telling me that she knows she's done some terrible things but she wants to try & to work it out for the kids.

Today: She's going to therapy, 12 step meetings, taking Lexapro, and claims to be working on herself, but that she's just 'empty inside' and unable to give anything to anybody else and that she's suicidal, lethargic, and depressed much of the time. That's why she says that even though she's willing to give us a shot and go to couples therapy that she can't actually commit to wanting to stay and do any of the emotional work we need to do to rebuild and really enter a recovery stage. She's so cold and indifferent to me and really unable to parent more then one night a week...

SO INDIFFERENT!

So, what to do next is what I wonder. Plan B and hope she snaps out of her depression? Give her more time? I'm really on the verge of just calling it game set match.

Rkdn,
Sorry you are here. You WW has had multiple A in a very short time. She's now depressed and isn't committing to anything. Harley writes as long as there is addiction you will have difficulty recovering your marriage. Your WW needs to clean up her addiction.


What do you really want? You can check out the Newsletter Forum and read "When to Call It Quits."

Gg

If you want to keep her, you need to read the material here on Surviving an Affair and follow the steps. They will include total transparency on her part, among other things. Will she do that?

RKND,

""Her best friend told me she had multiple guys and was still seeing him, her OM ""

""She spent Sept, Oct, Nov chasing guys staying out every night and lying about who she was with / where she was,""



""She's going to therapy, 12 step meetings,""

As gg615 says she has to clean up her addictions, but what is she addicted to? Alcohol? Sexual addiction? Drugs?

Why did she go bonkers those 3 months? Was she out of the house? You are married for 13 years and some button is pushed and she loses her mind??

Is there a piece of this puzzle you are not telling?

kirk

Thanks for the responses. As she puts it: Over the summer she had enough and just snapped. We're both alcoholics, but she's been sober for 20 years, and while my drinking never got that terrible it did allow me to maintain a very big distance from her for. She's also PTSD with childhood issues - that never really seemed to be an issue save her lack of interest in sex (hence my distance).


We're all still in the same house, and we're both newly returned to AA. I'd like to think we're working on ourselves (as individuals) to the best of our abilities today.


I just don't get why she isn't willing to work on us, actually work on the marriage to try and save it. I've tried to ask her to read the A recovery books that I've been reading like SAA, but she just wont do it. She even recognizes the changes in me and says things like 'your everything I've wanted all those years', but she just can't let herself get vulnerable and start working on this stuff... I guess its just too painful for her to look at herself just now?


She just wants to go on as is living our separate lives with me supporting her, and with no commitment of changing for an indeterminate amount of time. It's only been a few months, but how long do I wait?


I want to make the M work for us, for the kids, b/c this website makes sense to me and I think its possible, and b/c I'm a codependent fixer! I guess I'm just really wondering if the plan A is enough - do I give it more time and how will I know when to move on to plan B?

Isn't it recommended that you Plan A no longer than 6 months? Otherwise, you fall out of love for her? IMO, she needs a Plan B from you to snap her to her senses. But, if you do, the kids stay with you.