Since being forced to deal with affairs in my marriage I have gained a new perspective on seemingly innocent behaviors in myself and others. I'm wondering how much of this is paranoia or negativity.

Here are a few examples. Please tell me your thoughts on these.

A friend whose wife spends an hour a day drinking coffee and "discussing" that days plans for their house remodel with their male contractor while husband is at work. This couple is a strong Christian couple.

A worship pastor whose wife spends a lot of time on Facebook and her husband doesn't know her passwords??

A male co-worker who emails a female neighbor 5-10 times a day and discusses their family and activities.

A boss whose wife verbally berates him daily in front of us all.

The seeming ease I have talking to female waiters and coworkers where before the affairs I was quite reserved.

Has my wife's affairs jaded me to innocent real life?

Am I consigned to seeing everything through the eyes of adultery the rest of my life?

Yeah that all sounds bad to me too....but I might be jaded now also.

Yes.

Because you are scarred. The pain may go away but the scars are still there. Most of your examples could be perfectly acceptable activities. For example, wouldn't the wife be expected to discuss the renovations with the contractor if she is home and hubby has to work? It would be weirder if he had to take time off and babysit every step of the job. A guy might need constant contact with his neighbour because of problems they've been having with kids/loiterers/breakins/ or even a simple neighbourhood picnic to organize. Lots of people don't know their spouse's password. That alone doesn't mean either one of them is having an affair. It probably does mean that neither one has had one yet (or been caught). I do take issue with the boss's wife berating him in public as that is a level of disrespect I can't tolerate regardless of whether one is cheating on the other or not. But honestly, the other examples could very well be innocent behaviors.

Nevertheless, I'd personally be uncomfortable with a known WS exhibiting any of these behaviors.

Yes they all sound like "boundary crossers" to me anyway......

But for me they sounded that way pre-A too.....

Yes, I find myself going from zero to pissed-off in seconds flat when I notice people doing "boundary crossers" now.

My biggest problem now is how will I trust any women ever again. I trusted my STBx and was lied to for years. It is going to be very hard for me to get past those lies...

Sorry, they all sound like red flags in relationships with no boundaries that have not experienced an affair. If those of us on here had seen them as such pre-A then we might not be here.

God's Blessings,

Say

I feel the same, LG....I dont think Ill ever completely trust anybody again, but maybe we shouldnt anyway.

Great topic. I have "cynical eyes" these days when I look at couples and look for the cracks in their relationships and those warning flags.

During the Christmas holiday I visited a long time friend and her husband. Everything is for the kids. They have not had much alone or made time to spend time alone.

She had put on some weight, looked a little matronly.

He is 49. ding ding.

He has been traveling much more in his new job and will be leaving overseas for about 2 months. She said she would like to go out and visit him but the flight is too expensive. I wanted to shake her and say make your reservation; divorces are so much more costly

ding ding. warning warning. I got an uneasy feeling. It is a perfect scenario for a potential A.

16 months ago I would never have these thoughts going through my cynical brain.

Sad

What really shook my world was telling a great friend about STBx's A's and our pending divorce...and having that great friend confess to me that he too had affairs...as did his wife.

And he tried to sell me this line, "some times you have to break it to put it back together again..." I got off the phone as quickly as possible and haven't spoken to him since.

<Bump>


I don't think it's cynical eyes at all. It's merely having our eyes open.

I think we've been given these insights for a reason. (I have to believe that. Sometimes, it's the only way I can get out of bed in the morning, under the weight of the awful thing I did and the knowledge of how many red flags I blew past during the course of it.) I think we've been given (or will be given) openings to speak into people's lives before they do some of the same stupid stuff that I did, or that some of us or our spouses did.

Yes, I do the same. I have to say it is a relief now that H and I are separated because I do not have to be in a constant watch to see what he is doing, who is he talking to etc...Life for me has been sheer he77. This is the damage an A brings. And unfortunately is permanent.
blessing

I frame so many of my experiences around the topic of A's now. I think it makes us so much more sensitive to it, having gone through it.

Same as a firefighter might notice potential fire hazards in a home he is socially in. Meanwhile, the other guests don't notice a thing. He is conscious of fire hazards because it's so big a part of his world. We're sensitive to possible A's because it is such a part of our world.

Just my thoughts.

Two things strike me about this very pertinent thread.

1. What a shame it is that the pendulum has to swing so far. For the BS there used to be an almost naive sense of innocence and fairness. I bet now many BS wish they had a better understanding of red flags and boundaries before the A. For many of us WS, we weren't even aware of how easily we moved or erased our boundaries, and selfishly lost track of what truly mattered.

2. I hope all of us on MB who have experienced the devastation of A will go out of our way to show red flags and boundary issues to our friends and family before they blow up in their faces. I know it's a challenging issue to bring up, but it's also so important. I just wish I allowed someone to smack me with a board before I blew it all up.

Yep, that's me too. BTW, That instant anger is a sign of what's called "transference". I'm going to therapy to help me get over mine, because transference isn't a good thing to bring to any potential new relationship. If you go, make sure you go to someone who actually know what that is and how to deal with it.

No, you are not jaded, you are now educated about how affairs START. Having poor boundaries is how affairs start. You discovered this the hard way. It is like getting hit by a CAR. You are not "jaded" if you stop playing chicken, just more AWARE of the risks.

It is not lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries.

Facebook=evil (there is NO REASON for either spouse to have anything but a single joint account with a shared password)

Covers Everything above

If you are doing or saying ANYTHING that you wouldn't do or say with your spouse standing right there, YOU ARE OVER THE BOUNDARY AND ARE IN AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR.

I just wish that everyone could learn about boundaries and EPs BEFORE they get married.

I talk to my kids about it all the time (and i did pre-A too i just think they may listen more since it has affected them too now). When they are dating someone and still having "friendships" with members of the opposite sex. I mean i am right there to see that it is all totally innocent and NOTHING what-so-ever innappropriate is said. I tell them that IMO it still is not a good idea and the reasons why.

Most of the time though people just seem to think that you are being ridiculous and we have even had numerous discussions on this board about being "friends" with members of the opposite sex and that there is nothing wrong with it. I guess to me i belive that once you get married the only "friend" of the opposite sex you should need is your spouse.

I just posted in my thread that I loaned my copy of HNHN to my daughter. When she's done with it, Love Busters is next.

My daughter will never be able to say she wasn't aware of MB concepts.

I am planning on giving a copy of LBs, and HNHN, and maybe some other books to all of my children as wedding gifts.

No, I'm not being cheap, I'll give other gifts too.

I think that will be the BEST gift they receive from anyone!!!!


I know this is O/T (sort of) and kind of morbid, but my dad's parents gave each of their children 2 burial plots in a family cemetary as wedding gifts.......