The touching thing is inappropriate. Whether she intends it or not, touching another man - in front of your H, yet! - sends a signal, and that signal says "I'm available if you're interested." And whether she'd swear on her mother's grave that she never intended to send that signal, just the fact that YOU were bothered by it should have been enough to make her apologetic for causing you to be upset. It never should have progressed to an argument.

Can you give us some background, or did I miss it - is the A over? Is there NC?

""The touching thing is inappropriate. Whether she intends it or not, touching another man - in front of your H, yet! - sends a signal, and that signal says "I'm available if you're interested.""

So true.

Why have you not told the kids that WW is having and affair in age appropriate words. Such as mom is dating OM. Married women don't have boyfriends and go on dates.

Carry on the exposure.

Do not forget to share your feelings when you see things like this.

maritalbliss

To answer your question: Yes the A is over and there is NC.

Sorry I haven't responded in a few days. It seems like every time I try to read the forum my WW is around and I don't want to tip my hand too much.

On the evening of 01/01/2010(after not speaking to each other all day) my WW came upstairs with some tea for each of us...maybe a peace offering, who knows? Anyhow we talked a lot and ended up having sex that night...what a rollercoaster.

The next day we go to my in-laws for a family gathering and at one point I go downstairs to help all the kids(my 2, a niece and a nephew) set up some type of nerf game. WW came down about 5 minutes later(just wondering what I was doing I guess). She seen I was having fun but I have to admit that all the while I hurt deep inside.

I feel that our recent chain of events on New Years Eve is a set back for both of us however we continue to work hard to make things work.

On the way to a viewing for a friend last night, she asked about softball and what we should do. She is worried because sister-in-law of OM has a daughter that is on the same team as our DD. WW is worried what sister-in-law will say to her or how she will look at her. I related it doesn't matter who thinks what and showing we can be stronger than ever would send a pretty positive message to those that doubt her or us.

I also told her that what this sister-in-law of OM thinks is very low priority. I asked my wife to think what it most important to her right now, what other people think or making herself better to which she told me she wants to be better.

I told her how good of a wife she has been and how great of a mother she is...she started crying. I told her that I miss the WW that I once knew and hope to have her back soon and that I wish she would "snap out of it." We said we love each other and left it at that. On our way home we stopped for some coffee and dessert, it was nice since the kids were with her mom and we had a chance to be alone.

That being said, did I say the right things? Any feedback would be great as I am trying very hard to make things work...thanks for the responses.

Recovery is a slow process. Continue to look good and be involved. Your discussion with your wife is an example how alone time is conducted.

I heard a Christan tape where the husband blesses his wife every day by blessing his wife by recognizing the good that she has done. You gave a good example!

Dr. Harley suggests that withdrawal symptoms from an affair typically last 3-6 months in a wayward. If they persist beyond 6 months after the last contact, there is probably ongoing contact; every contact resets that clock.

You start to get the spouse you loved back after you've helped the wayward through withdrawal. The spouse I have known for 18 years (married 15) is returning to me now 4 months after NC-day, with numerous benefits and a stronger marriage as a result of going through Dr. Harley's course together.

Contact can take many forms, by the way. I only discovered OM's photographs on my wife's phone a month ago. Destroying those was the clearest demarcation point ever in my wife's behavior. Within days of deletion her attitude had improved. I believe that she had been looking at those photos with some regularity for 3 months after NC-day...

Thanks for the insight, I appreciate the feedback. My hope is that we improve a little every day...

For now I am cautiously optimistic that things will work out but only time can tell.

I plan on ordering SAA book today and I am reading HNHN now from my local library. Can anyone suggest another Dr Harley book to buy that would help me in my situation, thanks!

Just finished reading your thread, Zak. You are doing as well as can be expected and were blessed to be lead to this very good and helpful place.

I actually found Love Busters to be the most helpful of Dr Harley's books. I have read it several times. I realized right in the beginning that the only person that I could change was me and one of the ways that God has helped me to make those changes is through Dr Harley's books.

The changes in me have resulted in changes in my DH and my M.

God's Blessings,

Say

Yes. ALWAYS start out the MB program with Love Busters. If you don't eliminate LBs, it makes no difference how many ENs you meet, you'll still be dealing with an unhappy person and ENs will mean nothing.

Just a quick update: WW and I have been going back and forth over her commitment to moving forward.(Not in a lovebusting way). I stated that sometimes it feels like she is in the "water" with me and sometimes she is just dipping in a toe. There are also times that she is just sitting near the edge wanting to come in but doesn't, She agrees but relates that she doesn't want to hurt me again.(Not sure what that means but oh well). I also tell her that I miss my wife and I just wish she would snap out of it. At her last IC appointment the C suggested she read "When Mars and Venus Collide." I went to our local library but was unable to find it but got "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus" and brought it home for her.

Yesterday, My WW drops of kids at her parents and goes out with some friends while I was working. She told me she was going to do this on Friday so it wasn't a surprise for me. She did however state that she planned to leave for the weekend to go to a friend of hers an hour away to do some thinking but decided against it since the roads were a little sloppy from the weather. She also related that for the last couple days things have been going well.

Anyhow while she is out she calls me once, to check in I guess, and to reassure me who she is with(a friend(woman) who called during the holidays who she hasn't seen or talked to in about a year.) She tells me she is going over to her friends house to get the VCR tapes of the books her C suggested she read and she will be running a little later than she had anticipated.

So during this time she is out I am of course fearing the worst and wondering if she will even come home. I have been working very hard at not LoveBusting.

I get home around six. She is not home yet which is unusual but not a huge deal since she called. 630 comes and she is still not home and I become a little worried but she arrives shortly thereafter. She comes upstairs and I can tell she had been crying. She sits me down on our bed and my heart is pounding. She then looks me in the eyes for about 10 seconds and says "Both feet in, I'm back"....Wow!!

She goes on to say that she knows she hurt me very much and that she is sorry. I have been leaving little love notes for her near the coffee pot, I missed two days because I didn't want to smother her I guess, so she tells me she really missed those notes and loves when I leave them for her.(I did leave one for her yesterday before I went to work though). I told her that know matter what I do not want to be the cause of her unhappiness(learned this from marriage builders website!!)

We talked a little bit more and she had to leave to go out with some friends but told me to wait up because...well you know...

Anyhow we both know we have some work to do but I feel things are getting better. The last time I posted some positive news, things went south in a hurry so I am treading lightly so to speak.

I would like to thank everyone who passed on some advice to me as I have found this website/forum to be very helpful. It will definitely be a resource for me for years to come. I ordered SAA and LoveBusters and waiting for them to come in the mail.

Thank you for the update. this is very encouraging. Remember that recovery is an up and down process. Be prepared for downs.

Yay!