LLL,
Good on you for taking some time out for a jog. A few "Love Busters" -- instances of being the source of your spouse's unhappiness -- far outweigh a few acts of kindness. If you can force yourself simply to avoid the following things for the time being, you're making great moves forward:
1. Selfish demands. Avoid demanding anything of him right now. The only exceptions to this rule are statements of what you would be willing to accept as good faith that he wants to recover, which I'll cover below.
2. Disrespectful judgments. You will want to call him on the carpet for his behavior, call him every name in the book, and he deserves it. Believe me, I know he deserves it. But refrain from saying things disrespectful about him -- or the other woman -- anywhere that he will hear or read. Keep your interactions with him consistently positive, or if not positive, at least neutral.
3. Angry outbursts. These are HUGE love-busters for everybody, so if he gets angry, walk away. If you start to get angry, walk away. Don't let anger ruin a productive conversation. My technique is to say, "I don't feel safe in this conversation anymore. I need to go elsewhere for a while."
There are at least two other big Love Busters that he's currently engaging in, which you must watch yourself about:
4. Independent Behavior. This is behavior that would hurt your spouse if your spouse knew about it. "Revenge Affairs", or RAs, fall into this category. For the time being, avoid seeking solace with any man. Avoid behavior that will hurt him... with two important exceptions, also detailed below.
5. Dishonesty. Be honest about yourself with him, share how you feel, but try to do it in a way that does not demand he change, show disrespect, or result in an angry outburst. If he tries to "fix" you by telling you you should not feel the way you do, one good response is "I'd love it if you wouldn't try to tell me how I feel."
REQUIREMENTS FOR RECOVERY
Be clear with him about what you expect as a bare minimum if there's to be any hope of recovering your marriage from his infidelity. These are statements of your needs, not demands from him, but he will try to call you various names when you state them. "Controlling", "demanding", "crazy", "jealous", and "overbearing" typically top the list. Be prepared. Here are the typical three requirements for recovery:
1. That he never see or communicate with the other woman in any way at all, ever again. This includes Extraordinary Precautions to prevent further contact. Every wayward will try to negotiate some reason for keeping the other person in their life: job requirements, that the affair was emotional but not physical, or physical but not emotional, or some other excuse. You cannot possibly recover if the other woman is in either of your lives. Thus you implement Extraordinary Precautions to preclude another affair... and these EPs even work during times of extreme stress once properly implemented!
2. That he commits to absolute, radical honesty with you. Dr. Harley calls this "transparency." This includes telling him everything about himself that he knows about himself, you knowing all of his passwords, having an expectation that you will snoop on him without telling him how, and so forth. He will rebuild trust with you by showing he is trustworthy and radically honest with you about his feelings at all times.
3. That he commits to a marital recovery program of your choice. Of course, most of us recommend Dr. Harley's courses, mentioned here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_courses.html . My wife and I are following "Program #1", because we felt that we were both very motivated to recover. However, if you or your spouse are not motivated to recover, Dr. Harley recommends you pursue one of the options that have more accountability coaching to help you slog through those motivational swamps.
THE NECESSARY LOVE BUSTERS
There are a few -- very few -- Love Busters that a betrayed spouse should probably engage in to preserve their marriage. They are calculated, done with foresight, and are done in order to prevent much greater Love Busters from either partner in the future. I like to think of them as "peeling back the tape and gauze to treat the open wound with a raging infection underneath". The affair is the infection... and although these Love Busters may cause some temporary pain, they are necessary.
1. Exposure. You've already received a lot of advice on this. It will make your husband hate you. Many wayward spouses consider this a greater betrayal than the affair. But exposing the truth far and wide in a "nuclear" fashion -- like ripping off the band-aid quickly, rather than slowly -- will ultimately be the one action you can take that may swiftly and decisively end the affair.
2. Snooping. Radical Honesty is an important part of Dr. Harley's program... but don't give away how you keep tabs of your husband. If he knows, he can push the affair further underground. You need intelligence on who the affair partner is and how they communicate, and should work to preserve that knowledge. Ideally, you should come to a mutually-enthusiastic agreement on snooping, but a wayward is unlikely to agree to that until they are well into recovery. You have a right to know what is going on in your own life, and your husband's affair is very much part of your life. He has no right to "privacy" on any behavior that affects both of you. And since pretty much everything a spouse does affects their partner, your spouse has no right to secrecy from YOU, ever.
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THE PLAN
So you have the basic ingredients of a recovery plan: basic requirements for recovery that you will try to persuade him to follow over the next several weeks. What behavior to refrain from while in this persuading period. And what the exceptions are to that behavior.
Even if he agrees to your requirements, you haven't given up the option of divorce. You can choose it at any time, though certain "at-fault" options are typically closed to you a few months after discovery.
You will have many, many opportunities to choose divorce. You have only a very narrow window to choose recovery. Choose wisely.
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