Well, update for day 27. Today is a not so good day. Last night I did have a good talk with my mom though. She is still foggy but I think that some of the things I am saying is getting through. I hadn't talked to her since New Year's and she had thought that I was mad at her. I told her that I just couldn't deal with her thoughts at that moment because it wasn't helping me at all. She keeps making comparisons to how my WH has no reasons not to come home. She has what she perceives as valid reasons but she doesn't think that my WH should be gone. I explained to her that he feels very valid in his thinking just as she does. He wasn't getting certain ENs met and that was enough to lead him in to the fog.

I know that some of what I said made it's way through but not a lot. I am not really concerned with her sitch right now anyways. I am focusing on my DS6 bday which is next Thursday.

I think the reason I am having a not so good day today is because of all of the Valentine's Day stuff coming out. My WH and I had our first date 18 years ago on Valentine's Day and we became officially BF and GF on February 20th. This is this first Valentine's Day that I will be alone since I was 15. I know that it is a silly thought but I am ANGRY at him because although I will be ALONE he will NOT. I do have to work that day and he will have the kids until 630pm but I am sure that he will be going out later with OW. Oh well, I will do something special for the kids. Maybe I will bake some cookies in heart shapes and I will let them stay up later and watch a movie or something. The next day is a holiday here called, FAMILY DAY, so there will be no school.

That is the end of Day 27 update. I will make it but it seems to be going in SLOW motion now.

Make Plans. Let WH know (through IM's) that you will not pick up kids until 8:30. No explanation required.

Do something special for yourself. Make an appointment after work for a facial, or a pedicure, or a massage. Or all three!

Oooh...I like it!

You're right, he won't be alone. He'll be worse than alone.

Hugs!

That is so true.

WOW that would be an EVIL plan. The only problem that I see with it is that WH could say that it is my time so I should be the one to find a sitter. Your response did give me a bit of a laugh though so it was worth it.

WH didn't call the kids last night, and this morning they checked their email because if his cell phone dies he will email them instead. NO EMAIL EITHER. DS9 told me that he was angry about that. He is disappointed that WH didn't call him. Well, all I did was tell DS9 that he can tell WH about his disappointment the next time he talks to him if he wants. I am only mad because it hurts my kids but I expect it to happen more and more often. I don't care what his reason is, it hurt our DS9.

Oh well, Day 28 is going to be a good one because I am getting a new fridge today. It is crazy DS9 is super excited about us getting a new fridge.

Unfortunately, this is exactly what happens with 90% of fathers who leave. Every day, then every other day, then every week, maybe every month...so sad that they don't realize the most important thing in their life is what they're walking away from.

It is your time, if possible you should find a sitter, and have the sitter walk out to the car to walk the kids in. *more evil laughter*

That was the plan that I was going to have. I thought maybe it could be my Mom because she told me yesterday that she can't seem to celebrate Valentine's day with OM because it is her anniversary with my Dad. She said last year she went to a concert with my Dad. I so don't want to just get little crumbs like my Dad gets. I want all or nothing. It is hard to do a dark Plan B(especially because an errant thought crept in to my head on the weekend, What if WH dies and the last memory I have of him is the day I asked him to move out?).

I just got my new fridge and I LOVE IT. My sister and Mom bought it for me as my Birthday/Christmas present. I am a little sad because I am excited about it and in the past I would have shared this with WH. Building a life with someone else really sucks when that someone else leaves. AHHHHHH.

Still moving on trying to make my life better for me and my boys. If WH comes back in to it, great. If not we will make it and be great too.

You are doing great, Scot...everything you are going through many of us went through during Plan B too, so remember that you are not alone...lots of us have been there.

(((hugs)))

Thanx. I do know that many of you have been through it. I write it out because for me it is therapeutic and I also believe that I can help some people.

Last night DS9 was on a sleepover. I asked him if he wanted to bring the cell phone with him in case WH called him. He said nope and left. It didn't matter anyways because WH did not call again. He wrote an email with an excuse about how his phone was on the charger. LAME EXCUSE. There are pay phones. Then he writes how he will call them some time during the day or night. Geez really? Well, if he calls while DS9 is still at his friend's house I guess no one will answer. It makes me a little mad because he expects them to be there for him when he feels like it. I really want to turn off my phone but I would never do that to my kids. As long as they want to talk to him, they will.

WH is still in foggy A universe and I think he may be slipping in further. I guess the 24/7 access to them is what they really wanted. This still SUCKS.

DS6 and I had a sleepover in my room last night. This morning he wakes up and tells me it isn't as fun in my room. I asked him why and he said his brother. I guess he really missed him last night. Well, today he won't miss him too much since he is going to get to play on the computer all by himself and not share.

Day 29, feeling fine. HAHAHAHAHA. Not really but I HAD to rhyme. We will do movie night today instead since we missed out yesterday. Here's to a great DARK Plan B. I haven't broken NC yet (although I sure have wanted to many times). The reason I don't is simple. I keep telling myself that if I break NC than I shouldn't have done a Plan A or anything else. I remember what my life would have been like had I not done it my way. I mean if it was up to WH he would still have been living here. If nothing else, I have saved myself from 29 days + of no abuse(emotional from A). I am making my life about me and my kids. I am glad I have them to distract me with LIFE.

to a true Plan B heroine!

Could this have been a lymric?

Day 30- off to work with a fever of 101. Took some advil. I've been sick for 3 days.

Tomorrow is a month since I started Plan B. What has it been like? A true roller coaster ride. Some days I feel like he will never come home. Some days I want to give in to my insane thoughts and contact WH. Some moments I think that it isn't worth it and I get really mad. Those moments don't happen very often, but I am sure they will happen more and more often. The moments that do happen often are the ones that I think that maybe he will be happier with OW. I know that IS a possibility. I want to keep my HOPE and FAITH so I try not to think these thoughts very often.

WH isn't always on my mind but I do think of him many times a day. There are silly things like when I am making dinner and I grab 4 plates. It is things that are done out of a very long habit. When I am talking to people and I bring up an example with him in it. He was such a big part of my life.

I am making myself a better person regardless of what WH will do with his life. I feel like a part of what happened was that after I had kids I lost myself. I wasn't as strong as I used to be. I put my kids FIRST and everyone knew that. A lot of Mom's do that. We constantly hear that we need to put ourselves first. We hear all of the advice that when we can put ourselves first we can be better mothers and wives. We hear it, but most of us don't follow it. We become the martyrs and then we find that our WH tend to find OW that aren't martyrs.

I get mad because of that fact. I am a good and decent person. I did all of the "right" things. I take care of my family. I do what I HAVE to do. After coming on this site, I realize I was doing the wrong things. Yes, I have to take care of my children, but I should have made my M my number 1.

Thanx for allowing me to have a bit of a pity party. It's Sunday and that means WH is on his way to pick up the boys and it always creates feelings in me. I always get through them but it is nice to vent every once in a while.

Np Scot,

I did the sacrifcial thing in my marraige also and my WW wondered why I was so run down and how ego got deflated after she had stompted all over me so many times. Lol.
Well it was my own fault tring to be so tough and understanding while she had variuos affairs with the bottle and whatever followed.
I stayed for the children and was a perfect babysitter when wife would fall off the wagon. When wife would snap back she would be the Mom again and I would go back to work...and so on..It just hurts to work so hard and get it yanked out from beneath you. I know and we are not alone I'm sure.

Its not a pity party its just relating about this very painful crap we go thru..

Weeeeeee!

Rollercoaster ride!

and edited to add about the errors we each have made in our marriages

"You live, you learn" and no matter what we did, we might have still errored before understanding the concept of Emotional Needs. That concept along with Love Busters is crucial to any future forever happiness.

Hugs

I know that although I may now "know" about ENs and LBs and the basic concepts and I will still make mistakes. I know that even if WH comes back it doesn't mean that my M would recover. I am focusing on myself and making myself better. I am glad I have the kids as a distraction because believe me I don't know what I would do without that. I believe that the people without children at home must be super strong to do this. I can't get all obsessive about what WH and OW are doing.

On a plus side, my co-workers and friends are telling me that they see a little of the old me coming back. That is a good thing I guess hehehehehe. I can actually talk about other things and I can joke around and laugh. I am going to be a BETTER ME

My kids should be home soon. Woohoo shower time and getting ready for school tomorrow. The JOYS of motherhood. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

YAY Scotty! Take good care of you