Good replies everyone. Actually I do have a script for Cialis, but I don't take it too often as I know if my big head isn't into it, the other head won't work, (from my past experiences). I do see my doc twice a year for bloodtests and such, nothing abnormal seems to show up, I had him check my testosterone last time and it came back normal. He said it was towards the lower end of normal, but within range.

I am a avid lifter of weights, 'Zelmo', but as I may have posted I had a hernia operation about 6 weeks ago, but had the hernia for over two years. So in reality I have not really lifted in over 2 years. I've gone to the gym post hernia discovery, but lifted nerf weights, just a waste of time.

Now I've lost so much weight because of not eating after Dday that everyone freaks out when they see me.

I am back in the gym, but already lifting more than I was post hernia discovery/pre-hernia operation. I know lifting weights enabled me to have much more confidence in myself and I always feel better when I lift weights.

I had the same test results a few years back. A low normal. Doctor said I could use andro gel for 6 months. It did help me.

One thing I wondered about the other day, if BP meds were contributing to ED would it not effect me when 'helping myself'? I was wondering how much Lotrel was adding to the pile of stuff and I thought, if it were a medical issue then it would be physical not mental and I would THINK I would have problems 'helping myself' as well. Maybe not, I dunno.

Just wondering.

I am BP, and without getting too unladylike, my meds do make it a little tougher to "get there" when I am with my H. However, with direct manual or "mechanical" contact, it isn't a problem, probably because the contact is more focused and intense.

Without my BP meds the point would be moot. I would be so depressed, manic, raging, and out of it that H wouldn't want to touch me with a ten foot pole. Different mesd affect things differently, and I have found - finally - a regimen that seems to work for moods, SF, energy, and no weight gain. It takes awhile.

Okay, you meant blood pressure. I meant bipolar - duh!!

Haha, thats ok 'lurioosi', its all good. I might as well be the other BP, lol.

It is normal to go thru phases with ED also.

I liked peps idea of just being close. It will be the normal reaction if you don't worry about performance.

Women will say they are stimulated by emotions and Men are by appearances but both the dynamics work in either sex to a certain degree so relax.

Your wife wants you? Thats what really matters and when you are confidant with that the rest will follow.

'SOI', thanks for your simple and heartfelt advise. Yes she wants me very much so and insists she is not having any problems with our love life and knows things will naturally get to where we need to be in our own time line.

We are close and we touch and hug and kiss, etc. We spend almost 24/7 together when we are off work and or at home. We do lots of things that can be called making love, including making love, lol, but I feel not as up to par as I want to be, or as I've been only a few months ago and I know why, so it does affect me. Even my wife and I 'connecting' for 5 or 10 minutes in the morning and evening is enough for her....so I should appreciate where we actually are and stop over analyzing and picking apart everything?

Again, thanks 'SOI', you opened my eyes with your post...at least about our love life...triggers, mind movies, etc, whew, I don't know where to go with those, lol.

When those mind movies trigger those bad memories just thank God its over.

I am very glad to help when I can

I couldn't filter those out for months after discovery of the affair. The mind-movies of what they might or might not have done drove me mad.

It took some time, but I'm starting to get a handle on them and realize they are just destructive fantasies.

Yea I will try to do that...as I've said, we are really close, except I kind of come in and out of being huggy and stuff when I have triggers/mind movies. At that point I feel myself start to distance from my wife.

It's very difficult to think about what happened back and to not get a multitude of feelings...and those feelings do something to me and they hurt very badly. To be honest, I get them often but not as much as right after Dday.

The mind movies continue to fade over time, as you make new memories with your W.

When you feel yourself starting to distance yourself from your W, understand that that is just your inner self, trying to protect you. After all, you're being huggy with someone who damaged you. Your mind will sometimes have a hard time with that conflict. It's a part of rebuilding, and that, too, will fade.

Try this: When you feel that distancing beginning, do something nice for your W. Buy her flowers, tell her you love her, rub her back, make dinner together, etc. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it's an exercise that really helped me when I felt distancing begin with my FWH. What you're doing is creating an action that will create a memory. Enough of those will begin to outweigh the mind movies, and the distancing will lessen.

'MB', that approach is interesting, its like doing a 180 from what I've been doing when I feel 'distancing' approaching. I am willing to try almost anything....it will be tough to do that though, but I will see if I can, thanks.

I used to just get mad sometimes at the problem that coused us to have the issue to begin with. Its not the same as thrashing the OM but if you can look at what the A as an entity, a "spirit " if you will, you can have something to vent at.

It will take time and as you are together and invest in each other the pain will subside till you are holding your marriage up and praising God for it.

I do have a follow up question.

Is it considered making love if one doesn't orgasm? We seem to be able to 'connect' better as of late, but often I do not 'finish' at that time and I was just wondering if technically we made love, not that it matters if its technically making love or not. My wife says she felt wonderful and is very happy and to be honest I don't have to 'finish' every time to feel good either.

I think you answered your own question.

You forgot, 'ahh grasshopper'...lol. Yea you're right, just being insecure I am looking for affirmation.

Not sure if this is the best place to make this post. Never been on a forum.

40 yr M ,wife is 38 we r Christians
married 20 yrs
3 kids
OM 40 divoced


Make this story as short as I can ... After suspecting for few years D-DAY came 10-2008, confronted my wife and within a few weeks I knew everything (?) . The A was with one of our childs best freinds divorced father . Small town hard to believe, but NO ONE KNOWS but us 3. She immediately stopped the 3 year long A and we both have done everything humanly possible to make things work. Counseling,books and retreats etc and on 8-2009 we had recommitment ceremony.Trust is slowly returning, I feel she loves me and wants to be with me forever. ( by the way he still wants her! )
THE PROBLEMS ! SEX and my mind
The A took place mostly at our vacation home, still have hard time returning to that place with her.
We have always had a great sex life, ( was not as good during the A) and the A was due in part of my lack of showing how much I loved her, however that goes both ways.Anyway when it comes to sex, I still have no self confidence, self esteem, I dont feel like I turn her on like he did. Based on tid bits of info , I think sex for them was very good also, some of the questions I made her answer now haunt me !I am in better then average shape ( small framed) and definatly more attractive the the OM. However I am not a " big " guy if you know what I mean.The OM is a large burly guy.
I can not get the sex from the A out of my mind, many times when we get done making love I get very depressed,even cry even when I know she is completely satified and she has had multiple O's , she constantly trys to convice me how happy she is.
QUESTION??
How to stop the images in my head?
How do you have confidence that " I am better then he was " ?
How do you handle that he was " larger " or lasted longer then you?

You would think after this much time I would have a grip on this, since everything else is going so well. But its getting worse.

Hope I posted in proper place, hope not to long.
Thanks in advance for any help.

Hi Torn,

I am so sorry that you are hurting but you have found a good place for support and advice.

For maximum help, go back to the main surviving an affair page and click on New Topic at the top of the page. Name your post and copy and paste this into a new post. The MB experts will reply to your post there and the rest of us in the peanut gallery will cheer you along and comfort you.

God's Blessings,

Say