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It's been awhile since I posted and would like some input.
Holidays pretty much sucked. Me and the kids stayed overnight but me and my husband ended up fighting. He wasn't getting the 'attention' he needs. I don't think he has had anymore contact with the OW. We have filled out the love buster and emotional needs questionnaires and are suppose to go through them tonight. He said he has a NC letter ready to send to the OW.
He has pressured me to make a decision about the marriage and has given me a deadline for the end of this month. I filed for divorce last summer and the temporary order says he has to pay my utility bills and support till the divorce is over. He asked me to stop the proceedings in Sept.
For his part he has agreed to the NC letter and wrote a list of "promises" and "boundaries" if I take him back ( I had to remind him that these were the same things he promised after the first affair).
I have decided on my part that I was ready to forgive him for what he done whether or not our marriage is saved. This is big for me because I have so much anger, bitterness, and shame over the affair. I am working on conditions that must take place before I move back. I worry about moving b/c we seem to fight about everything. Nothing is ever good enough for the other. He is not over the anger of me moving out and I'm not over the anger of what he has done.
I am so desperate for some type of resolve. I have decided to give him the decision on whether or not we stay married, if he is going to pressure a deadline. I want to tell him he has to start with all his promises and start trying to make me fall in love with an improved version of himself. I feel he has to not only prove himself to me but also 'woo' me.
He has been very demanding about his emotional needs and it scares me. I don't know if I am failing to see all his efforts or if the damage is so great his efforts may not be good enough.
How tough should I be on him? Do I give into his deadline demand or turn the tables on him? Please, any advice would be great.
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Joined: May 2009
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I am sorry you are here but you're in the right place.
First of all I would like to say that the NC letter is for YOU to approve and for YOU to send--not him. He is supposed to write it and give it to you to handle from there.
Second, have you considered doing a phone consult with Dr. Harley? I think you should do this.
Have you read SAA or any of the books? SAA is highly recommended.
It sounds as if he's just trying to get out of all the legal stipulations that have been placed on him thus far.
I would read SAA, do a phone consult with the Harleys and YOU handle the NC letter yourself. Do some more reading here.
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Joined: Oct 2005
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HE is angry at YOU.
Amazing.
You haven't posted here much yet...so perhaps you'd be willing to give this place up as a safe haven for advice and ask him to post at least 50 meaningful posts here as one of your conditions.
(If he already knows about your posts herein then it's not a problem at all).
Your husband has had a least 2 affairs which IS a pretty good indication that you aren't safe with him unless and until he makes some significant changes. I'm not saying you don't likely need to make some changes too...this place can make your marriage better for BOTH of you...however, we can be a little more objective, depending on what he has to say here, about your safety returning to him. Being "together" under the same roof IS the best way to save your marriage but not if you aren't going to be safe there.
Forgiveness is OK...but sometimes it should be done at a distance. (i.e. - I forgive you, but I'm not coming back).
YOU MATTER.
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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For his part he has agreed to the NC letter and wrote a list of "promises" and "boundaries" if I take him back ( I had to remind him that these were the same things he promised after the first affair).
The above statement really bothers me. He will make your M safe IF you come back? He is not the one who has the right to make stipulations here. He should be doing these things IN ORDER for you to consider coming back.
It sounds like he is missing some key ingredients: humility, accountability, and 100% responsibility (for the A). Until he grasps those, he is not safe. I agree that getting him to post here might be good, if he is at all willing to listen openly to some gut level truth about his behavior.
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FYI
Myself, I stop posting on a thread once I realize that there is no effort to read/understand the
BASIC CONCEPTS
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Your first post on your first thread: LINK My husband and I have been having problems for almost three years when I discovered I was pregnant. It was unplanned, my husband turned 50 during the pregnancy and our daughter was almost 13. We thought we were close to done and looking forward to life w/o kids. He was very verbally abusive during our pregnancy because he was devastated. I was struggling too, but I guess it was my mother instincts that came through and I was very protective and became angry and distant with him.
Once the baby was born, he stopped with the verbal abuse but we were just living seperate lives. He was very uninvolved with the baby. I focused on being a mom. We definately were leading seperate lives.
His dad became sick and died last year. During this time he started going to the bars. I suspected he was messing around with this one woman and asked him not to have contact with her. About a month later I discovered him wher. He was very defiant and didn't really show remorse. I told him I needed a break. The stress and tension in our house was too much. I couldn't get him to listen or even talk to me. I moved out and asked him not to have contact w/her and remain faithful to me. I just wanted a breather and fully expected to move back in within weeks. Thought we would ask me back...
I found out he slept with her shortly after I moved. He said he was so mad at me for moving out so soon after his dad died. He said our problems w/this woman could have been dealt with other ways.
Months later I have some proof and pretty much believe he had a full blown relationship with this woman the whole time I have been out of the house.
I guess my question is, should the extenuating cercumstances, his dads death, moving out,etc., lessen the act of adultery. Did I push him when he was down into the arms of someone else. If I move back in should I feel like I can trust him because we live together, this is what he says.
My worry is he will be good for about six months then it will be back to the same ole same ole. I should mention, he did have an affair about 8 yrs ago on me. He says that situation was totally different than this.
I don't know, do I even try to make the marriage work. I feel like everyone in our little town knows what he's been up to and I will look like a fool and feel like one too.
Indifferent to his own child
Going out to bars (at age 50  )
More than one affair
Defiant
No remorse
Are you sure this one is not a "bad guy" ?
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Do not cave in. Rather you call up the Harley's.
Also see if WH will come to MB.
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Do not cave in. Rather you call up the Harley's.
Also see if WH will come to MB.
I would add, read the basic concepts before you call.
You will get much more out of the session if you already have an understanding of things like
policy of joint agreement
AKA
POJA
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So is there anything legitimate, or are you going to dismiss his "demands"
I think there is some legitimate concerns he's expressed in a pretty ham-handed fashion.
Is there any assurance that if he does what you want, if he puts the protections into place, etc, that you are not going to just divorce him anyway?
People have affairs because they are not getting their needs met and they think that an affair is the best way to get those needs met.
So what is his assurance that you are committed to accepting that his needs are legitimate and meeting them?
After all, you want him to do the same, right? If so, then what assurance do you have to demonstrate that you are as committed as you want him to be?
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It's been awhile since I posted and would like some input.
Holidays pretty much sucked. Me and the kids stayed overnight but me and my husband ended up fighting. He wasn't getting the 'attention' he needs. I don't think he has had anymore contact with the OW. We have filled out the love buster and emotional needs questionnaires and are suppose to go through them tonight. He said he has a NC letter ready to send to the OW.
He has pressured me to make a decision about the marriage and has given me a deadline for the end of this month. I filed for divorce last summer and the temporary order says he has to pay my utility bills and support till the divorce is over. He asked me to stop the proceedings in Sept.
For his part he has agreed to the NC letter and wrote a list of "promises" and "boundaries" if I take him back ( I had to remind him that these were the same things he promised after the first affair).
I have decided on my part that I was ready to forgive him for what he done whether or not our marriage is saved. This is big for me because I have so much anger, bitterness, and shame over the affair. I am working on conditions that must take place before I move back. I worry about moving b/c we seem to fight about everything. Nothing is ever good enough for the other. He is not over the anger of me moving out and I'm not over the anger of what he has done.
I am so desperate for some type of resolve. I have decided to give him the decision on whether or not we stay married, if he is going to pressure a deadline. I want to tell him he has to start with all his promises and start trying to make me fall in love with an improved version of himself. I feel he has to not only prove himself to me but also 'woo' me.
He has been very demanding about his emotional needs and it scares me. I don't know if I am failing to see all his efforts or if the damage is so great his efforts may not be good enough.
How tough should I be on him? Do I give into his deadline demand or turn the tables on him? Please, any advice would be great. DO NOT GO BACK!! MOVE ON!! You will look back five years from now and be so glad you did! DUDE
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I am not going to speak for your H. I will speak from my own past. When I stopped my A and confessed to my H, the only thing he wanted to see in me was repentance and humility. And he expected me to do whatever it took to make amends. And he was right. A wayward spouse doesn't really get to "have needs," in my opinion. The get to fess up, clean up, and make it up, so to speak.
So no, I don't care if his need is for you to allow him oxygen to breathe. His FIRST order of business is to get his thinking right. Learning how to be a decent person will benefit him whether you stay with him or not.
Okay, now that I am done with that....IF he does what needs to be done in his own heart and mind AND he commits to these precautions AND he comes on and consitently demonstrates it, then yes, it is time to make it a two-way street. But not as long as he won't even take responsibility.
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CG07,  ""me and my husband ended up fighting. He wasn't getting the 'attention' he needs.""  Maturity level of a what....13 or 14 year old? ""He has pressured me to make a decision about the marriage and has given me a deadline for the end of this month.""Or what??? Does the word BULLY sound about right?? ""we seem to fight about everything. Nothing is ever good enough for the other. He is not over the anger of me moving out""Angry because YOU moved out because of his adulterous affair?? ENTITLED IMMATURE BULLY!!! ""feel he has to not only prove himself to me but also 'woo' me.""  Good luck with that!! This jerk does not sound like the wooing kind. ""Do I give into his deadline demand or turn the tables on him?""You dont give in to a bully. You both fight all the time...why would this change?? You could tell him the deadline will arrive when you start wooing me. Or you file and tell him to pound sand up there with a rubber mallet. imho kirk
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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I have read the basic concepts and we are going through the love buster and emotional needs questionnaires tonight. I don't know if I agree with all the basic concepts. Right now I feel like it is on his shoulders to do what it takes to make me want to stay in this marriage. Being apart for so long has made me realize just how needy a person he is. It is very annoying to me. I have been an enabler for him which is my fault. I am done babying his butt. I want a partner that doesn't need me every waking minute but one that wants me and makes the most out of the time we have together.
Enlightened....I have told him that I would work on the marriage, I stopped the divorce twice to try and work things out. The last known contact was the first of December. I told him, I couldn't begin R until I knew there was NC. And as far as meeting his needs? He wants sex, attention, companionship, etc. I have done my best to try and meet his needs to the best of my abilities. I tried so hard to express to him it was hard to be in our bed because I walked in and seen her naked nasty a@# in my bed! It took me 10 months to get back in that bed and I have tried so hard to get those images out of my mind and make love to him. What more do I do? I tried so hard to express my feelings about the bed and guess what? On Christmas we ended up in a fight because I asked him if we could not be in that bed. To be intimate and close somewhere else and enjoy the holidays as a family. I have bent over backwards trying to be nice, close intimate, fun. What exactly am I suppose to do?
And how do you get a consult with Dr Harley?
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Get a new bed. Yesterday.
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Agree with Pep.
Here is an idea...clear the room of everything--all furniture, etc., paint and or new carpet (if you have it) and get a new set of furniture, sheets and all bedding etc. Get rid of everything that is existing and replace--make it a new room. I would not ask for permission to do this--just do it.
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Maybe even change bedrooms. I would prefer to be in a totally NEW room even if it was a smaller one.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Get a new bed. Yesterday. Yep. A nice one...maybe with a canopy? FWH bought me the neatest pea coat last Christmas during his A. I loved loved loved it, you could dress it up...dress it down...whatta great coat! Pricey, too! Some lucky lady went shopping at Goodwill and is now wearing that coat. No way I'd put it on my back, knowing he was probably texting OW while he was paying for it.  Same goes for the necklace he bought me at the same time. They're outta here. Oh, yeah, his car is gone now, too. I wasn't going to sit where her skanky a@@ sat and did...the stuff they did.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Krusht-
I got a letter saying he was messing around w/this woman. He said they were only friends. I don't think up to that letter it was physical but inappropriate because I didn't know about it. Over the following month he continued to go to the bar where she worked, even sneaked out of the house one night to go have some beer. All this was only a month after his dad died. I begged him not to go to the bar and to leave her alone. One night he said he was going to the bar. I waited up for him, finally at 330am I went down there and found the two of them alone in the bar kissing.
I was so upset because things hadn't been good between the two of us, plus he cheated on me with my best friend a few years back. He hadn't been listening to me for some time, when the letter came I told him if he cheated on me again, it was over. I didn't know what to do because he was so defiant and unapologetic about kissing her. He said everyone was sticking their nose in his business (the person that wrote the letter and my friend that caught him at her house after the letter and told me about it) and needed to just leave him alone and let him have a beer and mourn his dad's passing.
I made the decision to move out. I told him I wanted a break, that we need some time apart (only a few blocks distance). I told him we would still be intimate. The break was to collect ourselves( ok, myself) and hopefully snap him out of this 'fog' he was in and take our marriage serious. I screwed up, yes there were other options to deal with this problem and I left him at a vulnerable time.
It took me a month to move. He didn't sleep with her until after I moved out. But I found out later that some time after the letter came and before I moved out, she gave him a prepaid cell phone so he could 'call who ever he wanted' because 'it wasn't right for his wife to check the cell phone records', according to him...
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