Quick Overview - Found out my WH was having an Internet EA early November. He promised to go NC, we got into counseling, and started reading "His Needs Her Needs" and things though still painful looked hopeful. A week before Christmas he ended up borrowing a friends phone to contact OW to see if she was OK and also texted "IMY" (I miss you) for those like me that don't know or didn't know. He says that is just how they always texted and I said bull crap. He told me about it that evening and the hurt and betrayal hit me way harder than the first time. So this time I outed him and his EA to his friends and family. Which he believes had I done that to begin with it would have probably prevented him from the 2nd contact. The only thing I didn't do was out the OW to her family. We were told that it would only hurt her family and OW husband would not believe it anyway. I had my doubts but resisted the urge.

Now 3 weeks later, after a lot of hard work on his part, hurt and anger on my part, we have just started to pick up the pieces again and move tentively forward. And today the OW sent my WH an EMAIL asking him if he is ok. I am monitoring his computer, and cell phone and have been allowed to put a text forward ap on his cell phone. So as far as I know this is the first time she has contacted him. I didn't have access to his work email account and would not have known about this message had he not immediately forwarded it to me after he received it.

I understand he can not control the OW actions and appreciate his forthcoming but it still sets us back. I want to respond to her and out her to her husband, but this time I wanted to ask those who may have been in this situation and see what you recommend. My husband says he will support whatever I decide to do.

Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer.

He promised to go NC but was there a NC letter that he wrote and then YOU sent?

I think it is very positive that your H told you about this.

Contact the OWH and let him know about the email contact. He can be a strong ally in establishing/maintaining no contact.

In my case, every time I found out about contact (every few days for the first three months and 15 months later my H emailed OW), I got on the phone to OWH. It was a huge help.

AM

PS Scotland is right. NC letter is so, so important. Also, you contacting OW is a waste of time. Don't bother.

Expose OW to her H. You need his help to ensure NC. And he deserves to know what he's married to.

Yes immediately on the DD he wrote a text and showed it to me before sending it in front of me. I also wrote her a letter letting her know how the affair had affected me, his children, his job, and his life. That the affair they were having had been sucking the good out of him. I also said I did not accept that they never intended for this to happen because they knew the moment they stepped over the line that it was wrong. I told her I wanted her to have to face what she had done just as my husband was having to face it. I basically told her if she stayed away from my husband I would have no reason to ever contact her or her family.

Now do I make good on my threat?

You were right to doubt that advice because it is very silly advice. It is the affair that will hurt her H, not the telling of the truth. I would pick up the phone and call him TODAY before your H gives into the urge to forewarn the OW. If that happens, the OW will pre-empt you to her H by telling him that "some crazy woman imagines I am chasing her H." So when you do call he will believe you are a NUT.

So, please call him today and AFTERWARDS, tell your husband. Give the OWH your full name, phone # and ask him to contact you with any follow up questions or if he sees anything suspicious.

And I agree that your H needs to send a NC letter to the skank. Use the one out of Surviving an Affair.

Sorry you here.

Its tragic that her H was notified sooner. It has made it much easier for her to pursue your husband and has HARMED her H by not knowing.

Her husband should be notified today, without delay. This is critical information about his life that has been cruelly withheld from him.

Did I mention that I found love letters between them on my husbands facebook page (that was immediately deactivated after I changed the password). I have kept them so that I can forward them to her husband if and when I needed to contact him. I thought seeing what opened my eyes would be the best way to open OWH eyes if needed".

Ugh - looks like its needed.

This has to happen immediately, pdh. Apologize to him for not telling him sooner.

I agree it was wrong to withhold that information. The last IM OW sent to WH before DD was saved until read and I found it while looking at all his accounts.

OW told my WH that she would not take kindly to my contacting her H, but she had already been preparing him by letting him know about their friendship and his "clingy, controlling, needy spouse". If I did contact him she would handle it like she did the last time a one of those type women contacted her H. I found it quite funny and ironic that my H was not her first victim and my H thought he what they had was so special.

So I truly doubted he would believe me, but the letters should back me up. I can't get on FB until after work today. I will not tell my H I am going to do it, until after I do. I will also never contact OW again because it did no good.

It was needed the first day you found out. He has to know! His not knowing has freed her up to continue contacting your H. As you have learned, threats are not effective at all. But is effective to contact the OP's spouse because he/she can help kill the affair.

Ya'll are great. Thanks for the quick response

I wouldn't give OW the time of day. As far as the fact that she prepped her H for your call: When you talk to him, keep your emotions in check. Be factual. Don't get overly wordy.

"OWH, I'm calling to let you know that your W has been contacting my H via FB. I have email confirmation of their A if you would like to see it. I understand that she has warned you that I might call, and she was right. I apologize for not talking to you sooner, but I wanted to avoid causing you pain, and I realize now that I was misguided for feeling that way. I love my H and my M and want to keep it together. Please help me to do that." Then take it calmly from there.

Do you see how by waiting the OW could put her spin on it and "warn" her H about his crazy spouse. She is trying to set you up as the nut case and it is all in "your" mind. Glad you have the letters. Also forward any texts to him if you have them available. Squash the fantasy. DO not tell H or OW.

Yea and if he is up to it, I would even guide him to this website. Tell him that there is a lot of support on here.

Good Luck hun. It is going to be hard but you will feel better after.

Good advice, I will definately use those words. Thanks Maritalbliss

It is hard for me to hurt others as I know this will hurt, but I have to keep reminding myself it was the affair that was hurtful not my revelation.

Another thing, pdh: there are places you can go to on the internet where, with just a few short clicks, you can send an email to someone and make it look like it came from someone other than you. What I'm saying is that it is possible to fake an email from OW to WH. I'm not saying you're doing that - I'm saying be prepared for OW to be aware of those sites and try to undercut the power of her emails to your H by saying something like "That crazy woman will probably go to one of those fake email websites and dummy up an email to claim it came from me!"

If you have other proof be ready to get that to him, as well.

It hurts me that OWH knew about the A for months and never told me.