Until I came to this website, I had "never" heard anyone recommend outing the A. All I had ever heard was how it was only done out of revenge.

Now I am learning better. I love this site and the principals taught here.

You have gotten great advice. You must tell OW BH. Morally it is the right thing to do. If he had this information about your WH you would want to know.

Stick around here pdh and keep reading and learning. Your situation is very salvageable. It could have been a lot worse. MB can give you the tools to affair proof your marriage. Don't make the worst mistake and sweep this under the rug or you will be back here again in the future and it might be much worse. Welcome!

Mindshare

Oh, I am absolutely sure that OWH called me to get 'revenge' on my H. If his only goal was to end the A he would have called me months sooner. As it was, he stumbled around, threatening and basically holding his breath, trying to get his WW and my H to give it up without his having to push any envelopes (didn't want his WW to 'get mad' at him, dontcha know ) All that got him was an A that went from EA to PA, because FWH and OW just ignored her BH.

His call to me was after he'd exposed the A to their employer and was done to make sure H got it from all angles.

I was completely blindsided, of course. And again, I cannot believe a spouse would be in a holding pattern with the deadly info of an A and not use the best weapon available to end it - EXPOSURE.

No matter. Exposure ended the A, regardless of his goal for exposing.

Maritalbliss sounds like you are working though this and that is hopeful to me. Thanks!

Its amazing that our culture teaches that exposing an affair to its victim is "hurtful" rather than the affair itself.

Just imagine applying that loony logic to embezzlement or child molestation? "Oh, I didn't want to tell my neighbor that his bookkeeper was embezzling his money because I didn't want to hurt him!"

OR if the police knew an 11 yr old was being sexually molested by a babysitter but didn't tell the parents because they didn't want to "hurt" them.

When you think it through, it is easy to see how ludicrous it is to apply that logic to one of the most horrendous crimes there is: adultery!

It does seem ludicrous when you put it that way. In fact, a lot of what I have been learning from this website sounds so simple and logical today. Pre-Affair, I might not have seen it the same, and hence why I have ended up here.

Hey you have been recovered for 8 years - congrats!

pdh, I recently wrote in another thread that when I started reading Dr. Harley's books I had the same kind of revelatory experience as I did when I started reading the A.A. "Big Book" (yes, I'm a sober alcoholic) years ago.

Dr. Harley's books are chock-full of undisputed, inarguable truth. And written a way that doesn't come across as a lab manual or a psychology text book.

It hasn't taken me long to become an adherent of MB.

Same here. I am SO conscious and awake regarding A's now. It's been a total revelation!

One of my 3 sons is getting married this summer and I am going to pass on my copy of "fall in love stay in love" book when me and H finish it. I hope this will help my son and his fiance get started right.
Wish I had this resource years ago

Fred_in_VA congrats on the sobrierty

pdh you've gotten great advice about the exposure.

Be sure to thank your FWH for letting you know about OW's renewed contact. So many WS or FWS won't do that for fear they'll hurt the BS or make the BS angry. And then the affair is up and running again. Be sure to thank him sincerely for his actions. That was a HUGE gift and he needs to be appreciated for it.

pdh, my 27 yr old son is getting married in October. The best book for our kids is "I Promise You." I gave that to my son and his fiance. Do you have any grandchildren yet?

I havn't seen "I Promise You" and will look for it.

My oldest son, 27 yrs old, became estranged from me 3 years ago. His wife that I barely knew and thought I liked made him choose between me and her. He therefore cut me out of his life along with anyone that knows me including friends and family. No one and I mean no one understands what happened. Up until that time we were close and therefore the sudden cut-off was very traumatic for me. I started grieving and it took me time, prayer, and counseling to overcome. They had my first grandchild 2 years ago last August. I have never seen her but my other sons (who have limited contact)provide me with pictures occassionally. My husband and I were newly weds when this began and we spent most of our first year dealing with my grief. He became lonely and turned to the internet for comfort. As I began to heal he had become more detached until eventually finding himself in an EA. I was not meeting his needs but I was truly trying to find my way out of the grief of losing my son. so though I understand how he got there I don't excuse his choices.

My first husband left me to have his own business after we spent years recovering financialy from his first business that failed and to be with the woman he swore was only his friend.

I have faced a lot of betrayal in the past 10 years, and yet I still believe in love, family, and marriage. Thank goodness for sites like this and my faith for allowing me to continue to have that faith.

Hopefully less naively though.

sorry for the rant it just poured out.

Same here when my kids meet their mates. The books on this website should be required reading for anyone planning to marry.

YOUGO ARMYMAMA! YOU GO ARMYMAMA