So,
I believe I am making definite progress with the WW. I moved back in. I told her that in no way could I tolerate being away from my kids. I did nothing wrong, but the days away helped me clear my head. It also gave me ample time to really invest some time into reading up on my MB material.

I will admit it has been so difficult to work on Plan A. I have however, swallowed my pride to see if we can somehow forge ahead.

The good news is, "we" called the OM together. "We" made it clear this was going to end now. "We" are trying to find our way back into love. I know who OM is. I also had his phone number, so I was more than confident when we made the call. I feel relieved that there was no resistance to making the call together.

WW is going to counseling...hopefully we can do so together at a later date.

Things feel positive.

However, how do you deal with the relatives that are having difficulty accepting my choice to work it out? My Mother and Father are certain there will be other A's and I need more time to think this through. Surely there had to be some obstacles left to hurdle other than the obvious A. It is tough when you are working on really heavy M issues and then have to turn around and explain your actions to people who have not gone through this. My kids are so happy, which makes things easier on me...somehow?!?!?

Just took a break from posting until now. I got a better perspective from reading a lot of material and discussions on this forum.

Thanks for letting me spill.

Upon discovering that H contacted OW via email after 15 months of NC, there was NOT one person (to include our children) that thought I should stay with my H. But it is not their decision to make when I have had enough, only mine. And I still had hope and a vision for our M and did not feel ready to give that up yet.

Did your WW write a no contact letter in the tone of the one in Surviving an Affair. I hugely underestimated the importance of this and bought into my H's gaslighting of why he did not want to write one. It was only after he posted on here that he sat down and did it. And even then he broke it later.

AM

I think I can shed some light onto your problem.

A couple of years ago, my brother-in-law cheated on his wife. Things didn't work out between him and the OW and he went back to his wife. I was livid when I heard she took him back. I couldn't believe that after everything he did to her, that she was capable of being with him. While they were apart, I listened to her complain about him, held her while she cried, begged him back on her behalf, everything. I witnessed her pain firsthand and I did not understand how anyone could take back someone who was capable of inflicting so much pain onto another person. I couldn't talk to her for months after they got back together. I was so mad.

A few years later, I find myself in the same situation. My H cheated and is now living with the OW. I had no idea what my sister-in-law went through but now I understand COMPLETELY why she chose to take him back and work on the marriage. I see her in a completely different light and I am actually proud of her for having the courage to work on her marriage.

So...what I'm really trying to say is that only those that have experienced a cheating spouse will fully comprehend you decision. You may have to accept that there are some people that will never fully support your choice to make your marriage work, even family. No amount of explanation will ever convince them so don't even bother trying. Your parents are just doing their job and are worried that you will get hurt again. Their reluctance is understandable. Give them time. Give everyone time. Once they see that your marriage is stronger and happier than before, they should come around.

Besides, having happy kids is so much more important than happy relatives, no?

Blinded,

OK, here is what you do. You tell your folks that you understand their concern for you and yes things are a risk, but that you have a plan. Once they know you have a plan, AND they realize that your children are so happy right now, I think you will get their grudging support.

No parent wants to see their child in pain, it is the worst thing. They want to protect you.

So what about a plan. I am not trying to put words in your mouth so what I offer is an example of what a plan would look like.

1. Your W has no contact with OM.
2. Your W addresses her boundaries or lack there of.
3. Your W develops a plan and takes actions to protect her boundaries, her vows, you and the marriage.
4. You both seek counseling to develop a better marriage.
5. Part of her plan is embrace the concepts of radical honesty and joint agreement. So that you two can head off issues before they lead to actions that might hurt either of you.
6. Your W is big enough to apologize to your folks and hers.

My point, your folks won't be so hyper if they know you are not going into this "blind", that you have a plan to protect yourself, and that your W has a plan that protects herself and her morals as well as you. As they gain confidence that you are not in the "love is blind" phase of things, they will gain confidence in your efforts to rebuild this marriage.

They will come around. I think it is Dr. Phil that points out the kids are often around for the fighting, but they are not around for the making up. Well, your folks are not around for the intimate times nor will they be, they will simply see the outside of the marriage. Give them time, let them know you have a plan, let them know your W has a plan, and remind them of how happy their grandkids are right now.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

This is DEAD ON. As your mother, I NEED to know you are not going to be a typical male doormat. I need to know what you are going to do to protect yourself. I need to know you have the nads to defend yourself.

Having your wife apologize to your parents will go a very long way, just as JL suggested. She needs to assure them she won't hurt you anymore.

Keep in mind that your family has been hurt by this too. She should apologize to them and ASSURE them she won't abuse you anymore.

I agree with you all. I plan on having her write a NC letter, show it to her parents and mine, and then try to slam that chapter shut. She wants to sit down with both of our families there. (yikes) I KNOW we have a lot of work ahead of us. That is a great understatement, but she has been pleading for me to give her a chance. She has been very open about sharing information, passwords, etc. I have also told her that she has open access to mine, just to prove I am just as serious. I am not much into hypocrisy.

Like I said, this is the beginning. I can't imagine how scary it would be for me and my emotions if I had to continue playing the guessing game. I have been hanging on by a thread. We will see what the future brings.

She promises this was the only bad decision she has made. If I had a stockpile of lies and hidden truths I don't think I could take it. For all of you who have helped urge me along, I thank you. The work is only beginning, but I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time. She will have to make it her full time job to assure me she can be trusted.

Best of luck to everyone, and wish me luck with my family and friends.

Blinded,

Yes, the work is just beginning, but it is not like working in a coal mine or such. This can be fun with respect that you and your W are going to learn many things, yes some painful, but also good things. Your marriage can become something it was not before, true, open, honest, and filled with mutual respect.

When you and your W sit down to talk with your parents (a good thing to do for both of you) make sure the parents understand you and your W have a plan. Make sure they understand that you are a man that can forgive and she is a woman that can learn from her mistakes. Make sure that what her parents see and your parents see is the kind of character your both were reared to have. She lost her way, but she found her way back. You dispaired lossing her and perhaps you were not the best H, but you have accepted the challenge of rebuilding the marriage and working on yourself even as she works on herself.

It sounds to me as if your W has figured it out, and if that is the case you are very likely going to have an even better W. ENjoy it, soak it in, and do your part to be the partner she will need.

Just thoughts. I hope they help.

God Bless,

JL