I wanted to start a new topic on this based on a sentence I read in another thread, yesterday. I wish I remembered where it was so I could quote it but paraphrased briefly it said,

....finding out spouse was having an affair was like finding out she was married to a stranger.


I read that and said to myself "BINGO!" It has been 3 years since the EA but I still find myself wondering more than just occasionally..."who is this guy that I married?" "what other secrets is he harboring?"

This is all stuff I plan to discuss with Steve the next time I am scheduled to talk to him. Though I am 99% sure that H has not had any contact since he sent her the NC letter in 2006, there's always that niggling doubt at the back of my mind. He was able to hide so well, the true nature of their previous relationship (before me). So much so that it took me a few months to even become suspicious about the email exchanges that started after the reunion. If I'd known she was an old girlfriend and one of some importance at that, I would have IMMEDIATELY been suspicious.

So the thoughts that go off in my brain...."was it truly an EA..did it go physical and he just never revealed that part to me?" "did he have another EA previously (I have no reason to suspect that he did...)" Etc.

Does it really ever go away? We have issues in our marriage that go above and beyond the EA...and it took me filing for divorce and moving to the couch and two very ugly weeks of him begging, pleading, yelling, threatening, crying, etc., etc., until he FINALLY agreed to call Steve. I just don't know when to raise this issue...I don't want it to be the defining issue in our sessions with Steve but I don't want to sweep it under the rug, either.

And who wants to be MARRIED to someone you have to be SUSPICIOUS of? The two are incompatible! DUDE

I agree with Dude. Besides the cheating issue

1. Your husband is an alcoholic
2. He wont get a job to help support the family
3. Your husband abuses you and the kids

Who would want a man like this? NO ONE!

OH, I understand your frustration.
(((OH)))
Hoping the counseling with Harley is helping you to whatever is needed for a happy ending for you and your kids.

Wouldn't that be the same as saying...."Who wants to be MARRIED to someone you can't TRUST"

Are we all saying we now totally trust our S? I agree that's not a good M to be in. Will trust come? I believe it's possible.

I never had disclosure, but I don't think she will do it again and trust her in that. There are probably things I don't know, but that's on her conscience not mine.

YES! Would you want a businee partner you couldn't trust? Than why for GOD's SAKE would you be MARRIED to someone you couldn't TRUST! Its preposterous..DUDE

Actually, I believe Dr. Harley might have said that you should not unconditionally trust your spouse. I can't remember the exact quote; perhaps ML will show up here and steer us in that direction.

Ima, SH has been great. I've now spoken with him 3 times, but only 1 time since he's spoken with H. The plan was he talked to H, he's talked to me and now he'll talk with both of us hopefully next week. He's got H's questionnaires and by the end of this week he'll have mine and I suppose that at the next phone call, we'll get instruction on how to share them. He doesn't want us sharing them with each other yet. He's basically starting with us at the preschool MB level. LOL

We talked a lot about responsibility, feelings, actions, trust, etc. Very enlightening. Some of the concepts were easy to grasp (from my time reading the books and being on these forums) but some were more elusive...kinda like those inkblots you see where if you concentrate on the black you see one shape and the white, you see another. Hard to explain.

The bottom line take-away...not giving away state secrets because it's in all of Harley's books.

It's MY responsibility to make it safe and secure for him to love me and vice-versa.

How you get to that is where we start to move out of preschool and into the primary grade years.

And Mud...no...I don't totally trust. Trust is an issue for me. Not just from EA perspective but from the perspective of not hurting me in other areas, too. I'm sure if you asked him, he'd have a similar response. We've both done a good job zinging each other over the years.

I have a business partner that I trust...but consistently verify.

There is only one human on this Earth that I trust. I only trust her to not deliberately hurt me and thats only because I have 33 years of consistent data saying she wont and because she gave birth to me.

I do not trust any other Human.

I do not trust my investment adviser.
I do not trust my neighbor.
I do not trust my friends.
I do not trust my boss.
I do not trust my relatives.
I do not trust you.
And no, I do not trust my wife.

I may "Expect" them to act/react and do things a certain way, but I do not trust them.

Humans can not be trusted.

You might want to trust "spell check"..hehe DUDE

Dude, Dude, Dude. What are we going to do with you?

Perhaps, but it's not a human.

Was it funny though? I'm w/ you. Trust no one! Profesional Skepticism as us CPAs like to say..DUDE

And ALWAYS test the systems for breakdowns in "internal control."

You guys are lucky to be able to trust your mom... cry me a river, but I married someone just like my mom. Makes commitment with her mouth, but doesn't follow through then looks at you with contempt for trying to make her accountable.