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For the past few months since DDay, I've had my WW sleeping downstairs on the pullout couch. She does not like it.
She wants me to spend some nights of the week on the couch so she can sleep in our bed. Should I agree to this now that I am starting Plan A?
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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You sleep on the couch? Um, no.
Tell her either you share the bed or she sleeps on the couch.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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For the past few months since DDay, I've had my WW sleeping downstairs on the pullout couch. She does not like it.
She wants me to spend some nights of the week on the couch so she can sleep in our bed. Should I agree to this now that I am starting Plan A? Dude, wheres your dignity!!! YOU will be sleeping IN the marital bed, not the couch, is this understood?
FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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TE,
I had this exact scenario presented to me. Luckily, I took the advice of many here and refused to give up the bedroom so that WW could sleep in the bed.
I agree with KR's opinion. Tell her that she is more than welcome to share the bed but you aren't relocating.
Giving WW the bed and you, the BH, take the couch, is NOT Plan A behavior.
TB
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I read somewhere that MelodyLane or another MB member once said "Women can't seem to love men that they can't respect."
Next time she asks you to sleep on the couch, you calmly and firmly say "That is our bed, and that is where I belong, its your decision not to sleep in it".
Plan A means to remove negative habits/manners, not arouse contempt in the heart of a wayward spouse!
FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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Yeah, I agree with all of you. That's why I have not given up the bed. In fact, when she asked, "How come I never get to sleep in the bed?" I replied, "because you left our bed."
She has slept in the bed with me a couple nights. But it's really difficult, because I pretty much want to have sex with her. I am a guy after all.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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RMX,
Many folks have made that claim -- but I'm sure Mel has uttered something to that effect at one time or another. I think I've personally heard it from BR, CW, and Cat, to name just a few.
Giving up the bed to the WW does nothing to earn Plan A points, but does wonders in validating oneself as a doormat.
TE, are we on the same page here now, or do you need more rationale?
TB
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We're good. Loud and clear.
One thing to note: the pullout couch is in a sort of playroom downstairs so there are always toys and crap all over the floor that she has to clean up each night before pulling out the bed.
On the other hand, I keep our bedroom upstairs very neat and cozy, just to make her want to come back to our bed more.
A little psychological warfare.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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...You have another long thread but I don't have time to read it ( I have two boys trying to kill each other) but is domestic support one of her EN's that isnt met?
FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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When my wife ended her affair and came back home she didn't want to sleep with me in our bed either. My pastor even advised me to not make an issue out of it and I slept one night in my office.
Then I got back to thinking that SHE had the FRIGGIN AFFAIR and I told her that if she didn't want to sleep with me that was fine but that I was sleeping in my bed.
She then went to the office but my memory is that only lasted 2 nights and she came back to our bed.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Honestly, waywards are nuts.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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RMX,
I suppose domestic support is a problem with her. She's a stay-at-home mom with two young boys, and we have no family nearby. We moved because of my job, but I help out with the kids a lot!
She blames me for the move and her loneliness.
She also resents that I make all the money, and she feels like she is totally reliant on my income and career. The affair helps her feel more in control.
She also needed a creative outlet. So she was working on a project with her cousin/best friend. And it's through this project, she met the OM.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Would you please go downstairs and tidy up around the couch tonight?
(without pointing out what you are doing) and let her notice your thoughtfulness in that action?
FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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Would you please go downstairs and tidy up around the couch tonight?
(without pointing out what you are doing) and let her notice your thoughtfulness in that action? An excellent real Plan A suggestion RMX.
_________________________
BH=36(me), WW=36
DDay: Dec 4 2009
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I strongly suspect that one way to show her Affection would be through Domestic Support. Most women have the need for Affection... and even lots of men (including this one!)
She wants to know that you are thinking about her. That you want to make her happy. So ask how you can help around the house, and find ways to show her you love her even without her asking.
For me, that included when she slept on the couch, I'd cover her with a blanket and straighten the room. I'd do dishes and laundry. Plan A means trying to meet all of her emotional needs.
Has she left the OM yet? Find out what needs he meets for her, and try to meet those better than he possibly can...
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I gotta give props to barnboy, I agree with everything he has said.
FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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I have not read your original post but I do agree. YOU do not give up the bed. She is the one who is wrong not you. YOU havent done anything to be moved out of your bed, your home, or anything else for that matter.
Married 1996 4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7 FWW 30's FWH 30's My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me My story New beginings
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She has slept in the bed with me a couple nights. But it's really difficult, because I pretty much want to have sex with her. I am a guy after all. I laughed out loud when I read this (I know, I know, the proper term is LOL). TE - I hear ya, my friend. All through our troubles and so far in the R, we always stayed in the M bed together, and lots of time it's real difficult for me because SF is not happening. We're working on it though. It's a Catch-22 deal - she doesn't want or feel like being intimate until we're more connected, and I feel like we'll connect faster with a little intimacy.
Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12
'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin
'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
Tony Robbins
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We're good. Loud and clear.
One thing to note: the pullout couch is in a sort of playroom downstairs so there are always toys and crap all over the floor that she has to clean up each night before pulling out the bed.
On the other hand, I keep our bedroom upstairs very neat and cozy, just to make her want to come back to our bed more.
A little psychological warfare. Nice.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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