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I want to tell my in-laws my suspicions that their daughter is having a sexual affair. After all, I found her emails to the OM; he moved back here last summer and called our home late at night and hung up; we had sex only once a month last year; and she moved out last fall. Absent proof, such as photos, won't my IL's deny, deny, deny?
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Me, BH: 39
Her, WW: 32
Two young kids
Wife had EA in fall '08
Wife moved out in fall '09
First marriage for both; never lived together; together for a decade
Last edited by MichaelJan2010; 01/14/10 04:17 PM.
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I want to tell my in-laws my suspicions that their daughter is having a sexual affair. After all, I found her emails to the OM; he moved back here last summer and called our home late at night and hung up; we had sex only once a month last year; and she moved out last fall. Absent proof, such as photos, won't my IL's deny, deny, deny? This is why you need evidence. Then there is no dispute. All you have is a suspicion.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Have you been a good son in law?
Have you treated their daughter right?
If your answer is "yes" to both questions, then they are more likely to believe you.
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Pepperband,
I think I've been a good son in law. I'm courteous to them and chat them up; asked my father-in-law for his daughter's hand in marriage; and was praised by them at one of their sibling's wedding last year. However, they were concerned about my lack of steady employment in the first four years of our marriage and lack of a good job last year.
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Guess it depends on the inlaws. My wife is having an EA, actually has had several of them in our marriage. My father inlaw continues to deny that she's having an affair, but gets upset with her for telling these guys she's in love with them. Don't really know what to say to you, but you can at least try.
D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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FWIW, my in-laws never asked for my evidence. I explained the circumstances, explained what she was doing, and asked for their help in how to deal with it. They empathized, explained they had seen a lot of this going on, and offered advice.
Note that I explained it this way: "Your daughter is having an affair with a man named Barrel Jumper. It has not yet become sexual, but I am afraid if it continues it will, and she has is removing herself emotionally from the marriage to make room for him." This explanation perfectly explains the facts, it gets across to parents what an "EA" is: it's just an affair like any other affair, but hasn't YET become sexual.
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I want to tell my in-laws my suspicions that their daughter is having a sexual affair. After all, I found her emails to the OM; he moved back here last summer and called our home late at night and hung up; we had sex only once a month last year; and she moved out last fall. Absent proof, such as photos, won't my IL's deny, deny, deny?
---
Me, BH: 39
Her, WW: 32
Two young kids
Wife had EA in fall '08
Wife moved out in fall '09
First marriage for both; never lived together; together for a decade If you have a history of being a stable and loving H, and present your concerns in a calm yet concerned way, they should believe you.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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My in-laws believed me and even told me that i should not doubt that I had it right when I told them. Thye knew their daughter.
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My in-laws believed me, too, and have been my biggest supporters -- with the kids, financially, emotionally, etc.
They never once wavered. It's always been about "what is right" and an affair is not right. Both held firm that they are not just protecting and defending me -- their DIL -- but their grandchildren.
They are embarrassed, to say the least, about their son and his actions. They have limited contact with him, but when they do have contact, they let him have it with both barrels. They are in the process of taking him out of their will. They pushed me to get an attorney when WH filed, and FIL accompanies me to meetings with the attorney.
So... it depends on the ILs -- their morals, values, etc. -- how this will go over. I'm fortunate that not only ILs are on my side, but so are his siblings.
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Speaking as a FWW, if you observed my lifelong relationship with my parents, it would seem that they wuld never have believed such a thing about "Their Girl." But they did, an they did not sugar coat to me their grave disappointment. It was awhile before my dad talked to me much. And they have had concerns about my H's employment and other things in the past. But when it came to this, they pulled no punches. Adultery was w-r-o-n-g, and they were clear about that.
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Zelmo, holyheart, and lurioosi2 have good in-laws. Mine are religious, down to earth, but also protective of their kids. Before my wife moved out last fall, I called my mother in law and said I had all but landed a new, high-paying job. "What job?!" she asked, and after I explained it to her, did not seem to buy my explanation. I appreciate people's comments, but I suspect my in laws won't be satisfied until they see photos of their daughter in law with a man not her husband.
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Why are you so hung up on what they believe? You may be able to produce photos of her in bed with OM and they might still support her.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Blood is thicker than water unfortunately.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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OK, BK, now THAT was funny...... FIL and his wife preferred to play Switzerland, and didn't want to get involved or take sides. MIL offered some support but never to the extent that I needed it. She was worried that her daughter, 'Tonya McBeal' or 'Skattorney' (I'm torn between both of these great names for WW) would cut her off from seeing the boys. But the 'blood is thicker' line totally applies. The highest ranking I'd ever get from MIL was #3 -- behind her grandsons and her daughter. Kudos to the IL's who stood up to the scuzzy behavior. Maybe it's the lenses through which I now view life, but if one of the boys grows up to partake in such tawdriness, I will NOT take a stance similar to that of the country known for watches, chocolate and bank accounts.... Thanks, TB
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My IL's were dead but she did have an affair enabling sister who never ratted her out to me even though she knew what was going on.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Well, my IL's are supportive and are furious with thier son. They weren't sure who the OW was, but pointed me in the right direction, telling me what they did know. My WH knows they are against what he's doing and so he avoids them like the plague. My FIL told me that he's my biggest supporter and encouraged me to take him for everything he has; said he was always a spoiled brat that ran away anytime things got hard, even when he was little.
Married 11/21/03
BW 40 (me)
WS 37
DD-14
DS-10
H went to Iraq 1/7/09-10/5/09
D-Day 10/29/09
Got the D papers 11/21/09 (Our 6th Anniversary)
Not giving up! Still on Plan A
I can only get stronger!
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BK,
I want my in-laws to pressure my WW. If they don't believe me, why would they pressure her to stop the A?
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OK - do you have evidence yet? Have you spoken to OM'sW? Asking questions here is good but it doesn't substitute for action.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I don't have evidence; only a strong circumstantial case. That's why I haven't taken action.
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