Glove, Yes he actually said that to me. I have never considered myself an ugly person, in fact because of this darn ordeal I have lost about 20 pounds and look great. But his cruelty is what gets me. The fact that he can say "I think your attractive, I am just not attracted to you", says alot. His telling me that he wishes he could feel the way about me that he feels about her, killed me. He says he has had no contact since when I told him to have no more contact with her (Nov. 20). The phone records match that story for texting and phone calls. I have also been calling any unknown numbers I do not know. There is nothing so far to suggest otherwise. The only thing I have to be questionable about is his time at work. (They worked together, though she was transferred to another station.) He could be contacting her there and vice versa. There isnt much more i can do, i think. The FOG and the withdrawal really fits the description of his back and forth moods, but hey what do I know? I confronted him yeaterday as to the nature of how he is treating me. He apologized and I asked him to please be honest with me but I dont deserve for him to be cruel. I told him that maybe he could tell me he is having a bad day and I will know he is feeling like being mean. Honestly, I felt I had to do that because I frankly cannot take any more of those harsh words, I cant eat, sleep or function for days after.... Was this ok to do, or did I make a mistake being so honest???

I don't think honesty is ever a mistake. True, there are better or worse ways to express yourself honestly. For instance, "When you say X, I me feel ___________" is a better way to express displeasure/pain to him than "Why are you being so harsh/cold/mean toward me?"

Will he read "Surviving An Affair" with you?

If a guy wants to feel attracted to his wife again -- if he wants to recover & strengthen his marriage -- seems to me he'd at least be willing to give this a try. (If he has no interest, that'd suggest to me that something else is still filling his emotional needs.)

It's an eye-opening book re: affairs... my wife & I learned stuff in there re: how to process what happened, and how to act toward one another & communicate with one another, and to better ID & meet each others' needs going forward, stuff that was huge in knitting us closer after my A.

Hang around, I trust that some of the BS vets around here will chime in for you -- I'm still new at this myself, and I don't think my marital recovery was the standard experience, and besides, I can't speak to things from a betrayed spouse's vantage point.

Thanks for your input. Had our first meeting with Steve Harley today. I think it went well. It is really going to be hard for me to take a step back and let him just process this in the way that Steve will help him. I find myself excited and worried at the same time. I never had any doubts as to the way my WH felt about our marriage and this A has led me to waiver in the security of those feelings. I now have doubts and worries that he will not want to put forth the effort to work on this and do his part (which is huge) to help things. what do i do if he doesn't follow through or if he quits because it gets too hard??? I feel like my world has been ripped apart and now that i feel hope I am scared that its going to be ripped out from under me again. Only this time I wonder if I will be able to recover.... Any thoughts?

Alone,
I think you need to deal with one thing at a time. You are going to get overwhelmed and depressed thinking about all the whatifs. Recovery is a process and it takes time. Both you and WH will go through different phases. It took two years to R my M (typical timeframe).

Gg

AIL, it is normal to feel like you are less than you are worth. After all, your DH whom you trusted became an enemy of sorts and hurt you beyond what you would ever expect. IMHO, you need to remember that with or without him you are a great person. Yes, you want it to work out; yes, you want him to put in as much effort as you are, and yes, you want all of this yesterday! Unfortunately, you can't make that happen. So, what can you do? Be the woman he fell in love with. I know it's hard to control your emotions and since you are consumed by the A, you want to talk about it. While asking your DH questions about how he feels is good, you have to be prepared for the answers. If you don't want to hear that your husband isn't attracted to you, don't ask (for the time being). There will be a better time to discuss the heavy stuff when he shows that he is all in. For now, love him, be kind, and helpful, but don't ever beg him again for his love. He must give it freely. Once he is a little less foggy you will be able to see through his actions that he is coming around to rediscovering you.

Also, have you made sure that he has no contact with the OW? This was the only thing that gave me real security. You will find alot of advice on here about how to make that happen. Someone on here suggested that couples limit affair talk to one hour a day. That's a great idea since it gives the shamed WS some breathing room.

I'm just rambling now, so I'll end. Read the book, follow the book. Do it with your husband. It saved my marriage when we were both willing to put in the effort.

I am really low right now. My wh keeps giving me the runaround. Things are fine and then he has a bad day. Iam so depressed because at least we were back to sex. Even had first apt with Steve Harley. He seemed very optimistic. Now there has not even been sex for ten days and he OS back to the old "I am just not into sex right now and I can't. Get into it with u, I feel nothing. Damn that hurts. Is this normal?

My fwxw confessed her A and I was hurt but so damn into SF I still had sex w/ her the same day. Is this dude old? I can't imagine turning it down for that long. I blow the roof off the house if I waited 10 days or more before SF. DUDE

Are you sure he's not still cheating?