I don't undrestand why this isn't an appropriate response. If a BH came here and told us that this is exactly what he told his WW after she went on a rant, we'd be applauding him and telling him he did a great job.

So now we have a BH who is more than willing to tell his WW this and we're all, "Oh, no, don't do that."

There are no LBs in this statement and no DJs.

He draws a very clear boundary with "It can't continue both ways."

"I will not be a doormatt" is another boundary, letting the WW know that the BH will not sit idly by while she's out having her fun.

It's also a stick of truth and one which lets the WW know, "I'll be fine without you if this is the path you choose."

The risk of actually losing the BH is more of a wakeup to a WW than anything else. She's depending on him to be there. She's doing the cake eating BECAUSE she figures he'll be there no matter what she does.

We're also talking about a man who isn't even sure he wants to forgive the WW and have her back.

Patriot can look back in time with pride that he had his pride, kept it, and didn't cower at her anger.

We root for BHs to grow a set on these boards and here's one who has a pair, is more than happy to make a statement that he won't be a doormatt, and we're all freaking out that she may decide to run if he tells her he won't stand for her behavior.

Good. She should fear losing him. She is cake eating because she depends on the fact that he'll be there.

He's clearly saying that he won't stand for this affair to continue.

It's a clear line in the sand. I see nothing wrong with setting boundaries.

We advise men to do much more on these boards by cutting off finances, setting GPS in cars, recording conversations, cutting off cell phones and internet payments, etc.

Having a BH do something simple, like make a statement that he'll do just fine if she wishes to continue to screw another man, she can just do so without a husband, is a backbone and one I applaud.

What is, afterall, Plan B? It's a statement of, "go be with WW while I carry on with my life" in the hopes that A. the affair fizzles out and loving feelings are preserved by the BS and B: shields BS from further abuse.

Goodness. We're telling a BH to not clearly say that he won't stand for this behavior when there is nothing wrong with saying so. That statement won't have him end up divorced. Her continued cheating will.

I'm happy you have a pair. Keep them. I see nothing contradictory to this being the equivalent of the Carrot of Plan A. We're basically telling this man to not state that he won't stand having her openly screw another man with his full knowledge.

About a year ago we were advising a guy to a buy plane tickets to join his WW and let her and the OM know he was going to be there.

His statement is not contradictory to anything and telling a WW that he'll be just fine without her is not an announcement of divorce, it's a statement of fact. It shows that he won't be sitting at home tearfully waiting while she's out screwing another man while he prays for her to choose him.

You have a person fence sitting and another clearly saying he won't be disrespected if she does so. That's the bottom line.

Patriot, I applaud what you're doing. If she goes on this trip and openly screws another man with your knowledge, then I say it's perfectly in your right to have all her crap on the porch for her to take with her when she gets home. It's nothing we haven't advised BSs to do in the past.

You have a set of ball$. Keep them, keep your pride. You won't look back in shame if she doesn't wake up from her idiocy.

She's lucky to have you in her life, not the other way around. You're doing her a favor by showing a williness to forgive her if she decides to act like a married woman.

Seriously, what the he77 else is this man supposed to do when he has full knowledge that his wife is leaving to see OM, with plans to screw him, while he stays home and takes care of the kiddos. She might as well slap him in the face and spit on him.

She is openly and blatantly disrespecting him while asking him to sit and wait till she makes up her mind.

So he exposes, she gets mad, and then takes off on this trip. Then what?

Not always.

Deeply fogged WS's consider it a relief if the BS makes the choice to D for them.

I agree, but I would also file for plan D to protect his rights since he is a SAHD! Thats the reason to go ahead and file along w/ her wreckless arrogance..DUDE

Then so be it. At least he has protected his children from her wrecklessness. HE ISN'T THE ONLY ONE BEING ABUSED HERE! They are too!

Yeah , cuz people will believe that over the fact that she was BANGN another man...DUDE

Huh?
I'm not following your meaning.

What people?

Funny thing is I have never used a discussion forum before, now I can't get away....thanks to all for the great advise. The job I was suppose to start in two weeks, may be put on hold for funding. I wont know until early next week. My concern with that is once I go through with this, I don't want to do it and be in the position of having to depend on her. I want to be in a position of strength. I go to her and say and do all this and then stay in the house and let her pay the bills for me is a little weak. Yea, something needs to be done now and I thought with this job, I would be able to move on. I was just told this, which has totally F-ed me up. I went from feeling great about what I was doing, back to feeling like she has all the cards. Hopefully I'll get good news next week and I can move on. Word of advise to all....NEVER allow yourself to be so dependent on someone else that it takes away your options. ALWAYS have an out.

No, DUDE(not me, but) hey, thats what ALL OF US BH's [censored] about on here when their WW who is a SAHM has an A. YOU HOLD ALL THE CARDS!! She just doesn't know it! I'm telling you. YOU ARE IN THE BEST POSITION! CONTACT A LAWYER RIGHT NOW! Tell him you are a SAHD and your wife is running around like a forties BRITNEY SPEARS! You hold the CARDS my friend. You can lock in you alimony/cs and then get a J O B!!! Contact a lawyer and then expose!! I'M SCREAMING AT MY MONITOR!! DO THIS! DUDE

Patriot -

I'm with some of the others. Expose *before* her trip....her family/friends/employer/whoever may put enough pressure on her that she may cancel the trip outright. At the very least it will put a lot of pressure on the affair.

As the stay-at-home parent you have a lot of leverage and you need to use it to your advantage. It sounds like you may think that you staying in the house and having her support you is unmanly...let me put it in this perspective: you are protecting your children from the bad choices and behavior of your WW, and ensuring that they have a home to stay in and at least one rational parent. A man has no higher calling than to protect his children.

I strongly recommend you speak to an attorney if you haven't already done so regarding custody and support arrangements. You can start that this weekend and get it in place next week while she's away and at a disadvantage.

patriot,

I'm not advising you to go file D papers. I do think you should expose at a minimum.

That being said, I offer some food for thought:


The greatest realization I've come to is that NO ONE is worth any of this kind of pain. I literally have damage to my heart from my ordeal.

Life is too short to wait for a wayward for too long. They wake their a$$ up or they can get the he77 out. There's plenty of good women in the world and one that cheats isn't worth the a$$pain of years of waiting for her to get it, defog, and come back.

Life is too short for it.

KNOWING this, and knowing that you will be ok no matter what, is a monster source of strength.

I will caution you on something, however. You are a man. I don't care if you're the dad of the year and got the award given to you in a big ceremony by Bill Cosby. Courts are biased. They don't care that you stayed home. Going into a custody battle is full out warfare and there is zero mercy. Women play super dirty in such battles and resort to false accusations and really dirty tactics. I'm sure you might tell yourself, as most men do, that she wouldn't try to keep the kids from you, but trust me, she will try.

The courts are biased towards women, though there is a big move towards more fairness. The judges also don't care about adultery. Short of your WW doing it in front of the kids, they don't care. They view the failure of the marriage as being the fault of both parties.

As the man, you don't play dirty. You have to play carefully. Documentation, diaries, etc, carry weight. Done right, you will come out with a fair arrangement, which is 50/50 or better.

So what is my advice?

I'm not saying to D. What I'm saying is that if you do D, you will be fine. Life will continue and you will likely be happy she's out of your life someday.

If you don't D, then you'll have to deal with recovery, which isn't easy, but you may emerge from the other side with a marriage to envy. Many on these boards have done it.

Ultimately the decision is yours. If you file for D first, you will have certain legal advantages. You can always withdraw your request for a D down the road as the person who filed. This gives you a degree of control over the situation.

I'm not telling you to go one way or the other. I'm happy when a WW wakes up to a degree and returns to try to fix things. But I'm also happy when a BH moves on and has a personal recovery from a D. There's tons of men like that on this board. PSUBIKER, Chrisner, SDGuy and others are in that boat.

Ultimately, you're the only one that can decide if he can live with the knowledge that the wife had such a high level of disrespect at one point to openly screw another man with your full knowledge.

That's a tough one and not one I'm sure I could forgive very easily. It's one thing to sneak around. It's quite another to be blatant about it and throw it in your face AND still expect you to wait while she makes up her mind.

You have nothing to lose by consulting a lawyer and simply knowing what your legal options are. But don't assume that because you're the stay at home dad that you will have the upper hand. There's still lots of bias out there. It's not a path to be taken lightly and with confidence of victory. There is much risk.

The decision either way is yours.

Dude, you're the best....I love reading your responses. Man, you don't understand how bad I need this job. I hear what your saying, but if If we seperate and I am not working we'll probably have to move. I need to think of my kids right now.I get this job, all is good and I have the ability to make better decissions. Without the job, I have the option to leave or stay, but she controls the purse strings. I NEED to have something good happen. I get this and everything changes. Stay or go,her choice, but the kids and I can stay in our home and we'll be fine. No job, we move into a smaller home, or move back to MA. Don't like those options.

The other thing:

You could lock alimony, but your job would be a "material change of circumstances" and force you to return to court so she can pay you less alimony.

You have less to lose by getting the job. Judges know that alimony isn't a forever thing and the non working spouse will eventually have to get a job.

Get the job. In this economy, you'll need it. If one is available take it.

While you're at it, stock up on food since the dollar will collapse from our debt, but that's another story for another thread....:)

Texas laws are very restrictive as far as alimony laws. I could collect support until the divorce, but then it would just be child support. A lot is riding on this job. It's not just the finances, it's my self esteem. I REALLY need something good to happen so I feel better about where I'm at.

I am following your thread, Patriot and I am praying that you get the job.

God's Blessings,

Say

Thank you.

When it's a WW and not a WH, I totally disagree. A WW is far less likely to come home if the BH doesn't stand up and show his cajones.

Yep.

EXACTLY, no WOMAN wants to be married to a wimp. She wants an asskicker! DUDE

Ok, you've convinced. BUT LISTEN, you tell f'n everyone what she is doing. The nasty details if you know them. EVERYONE! Lets show this B who runs this f'n show! DUDE