Wife moved out 1 month ago. Married 10 yrs, 3 and 5 yr old. Wife had complained off and on for 7 yrs of my lack of affection. Says she basically loves me, but not "in love". My thought is to never give up on the kids. Can a man's lack of affection bring a woman to this point?

She had an affair 6 mos ago because she figured we were done. Am I losing it?

Hi dudhubby, welcome to MB. Do you want to save your marriage, or are you on the divorce track? Given your brief intro, I think you might want to post this on the "Surviving an Affair" forum (if you click the "Notify" button below, you can ask the board moderators to move this).

Your wife is likely still engaged in her affair. The ILYBINILWY speech is very typical of a wayward spouse's (WS) behavior (incidentally, you'll find a lot of abbreviations used here -- a list of the most common ones can be found in the "Notable Posts" forum). So is the moving out.

I would first recommend that you start clicking on the links to the right of this page in the "Most Popular Links" box. Specifically, start with the Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, so you understand what Marriage Builders is and how it's focused. You might also wish to read The Most Important Emotional Needs and Love Busters. Then I'd move on to "How to Survive Infidelity."

It may be possible to save your marriage, if that's what you want. But you will need to take some action that may go against your pre-conceived ideas of propriety and decorum. You will also need to protect yourself and your kids from the fallout of your wife's affair. Do you know the other man (OM)? Is he married? Does he have a girl friend? Do they work together?

This is the weekend and traffic is lighter. The more experienced veterans will be along, but in the mean time, here is what you have to do:

• Decide if you want to try to save your marriage, or get a divorce.
• Move this thread to the Surviving An Affair forum, if you want to work on saving it.
• Read up on the site's concepts and principles.
• Learn the abbreviations
• Read some of the active threads on the Surviving an Affair forum - you are not alone or unique.
• It might benefit you to purchase the book, "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. You can find it in most bookstores, or order it here under the "bookstore" link.

The people here and the concepts of MB can help you. You don't have to buy anything (but the books are worth it, IMO). But you will need to listen to the people who've been there and done that (BTDT) and heed what they say.

As you will read, a very common greeting is, "Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you're here." But this is a great place to be to learn, heal and grow. Good luck.

Thanks for the reply. I am 95% sure she is not currently having an affair. I have been using alot of snooping tactics.

I do want to save the marriage. After she moved out, I told her she needed to make a decision. Try to work on our marriage or get a divorce. My thought was that the longer we were seperated, the more likely a divorce would happen (especially if we were not trying to work on issues). She said that she was so far out of love with me that it could not be saved. So we decided to divorce.

I cannot repair this marriage if she will not be involved, right?

Dudhubby, you may be 95% convinced, but I am not. What sort of snooping tactics have you been using?

But let's just say that you're right, and there is no affair. What have you tried to repair the marriage? Have you read the books "His Needs Her Needs" and "Love Busters?" Those are the basic Marriage Builder concepts books. How often do you communicate? Does she show any signs of willingness to talk? It is possible to work on repairing a marriage long distance, but it's certainly harder.

Tomorrow is Monday, and although it's a U.S. holiday for some, I expect more of the "veterans" will be on board to give you solid advice. I'm still a newcomer, and will be moving my thread to this board when the time nears.

Stay tuned. A lot of good people will reach out to you and give you a lot of good advice and suggestions. You may also get some , but only because people will want you to take ownership of things and pay attention!

I have a keylogger on her computer, which is how I found out about the affair 6 mos ago. I also have a sim card reader to read deleted text on her cell. We tried MC right after I discovered the affair, but she made little or no attempt to work on the "homework" the MC gave us. She didn't even fill out the EN questionairre I gave her. I have read HNHN and read the love buster papers on this site.

I think her belief is that marriages dont require that level of work, that if it was meant to be, the passion would never die down. We communicate everyday because of the kids and the fact that we still want to be friends after the D.

I dont agree with getting a divorce, because I believe she fell in love with me at one point in our lives, so there is always hope.

Did she take the kids with her?

Kids are staying at home with me for the time being. We plan on having them start to stay at her new place 3 days a week. We figured that would impact them the least.

Well, then, I think you're making a mistake by allowing them to be moved from their home just because their mother decides to have a 'midlife crisis.' I think you should be defending your children more strongly by telling your wife that she is welcome to abandon your home, but you will fight her if she tries to wreck her kids' homelife. JMHO

What your suggesting is that I fight for full custody. That would only make it harder on the kids in the long run and make me look like the bad guy (in her view), even though I am not the one who wants the divorce.

I think that a mother has equal rights to her kids even if she is not happy with her marriage.

Am I off base here?

Have you read the material here at Marriage Builders? The articles, especially the one called How to Survive Infidelity?

The creator of this site, after 30 years of working with couples and infidelity, has determined the most logical way to stop an affair and fix a marriage. But you have to follow the steps, and sometimes it flies in the face of logic. For instance, when you discover your wife is having an affair, you want to EXPOSE the affair to everyone she cares about. Including your kids. Because she has to understand that she has done a terrible, terrible thing. And the only way to learn that is to have those whose respect she craves TELL her that she has disappointed them.

So, you missed out on that advice last year when it was happening. But you can still follow the rest of the advice. And one of the key bits is to NOT make the divorce easy, if you want to save the marriage. And one of the key bits of THAT part is to say 'you can leave the marriage and you can leave me but you will NOT take our kids from their home. Breaking up the family is YOUR choice, not mine. I WILL NOT support it.'

She will have two choices - fight you, or think twice about what she's doing.

Right now, you are dealing with a wayward wife, whether she's in a current affair or not. She still has the wayward mentality (I can get more men to love me and my H sucks). There IS no logic when dealing with her. This is war against your marriage, and your wife NEEDS you to fight for the marriage while she is temporarily indisposed (wayward). If you can get her to postpone the divorce because it will mean she will lose her kids, you may have time to do a Plan A - basically show her what an awesome catch you are and get her to question her decision to leave you for greener pastures.

Finally, women HATE men that are nice and accommodating. They have NO respect for men who just try to make them happy by GIVING them the divorce they ask for AND give up their kids! Stand up to your wayward wife. Tell her you have thought about it and you have decided that uprooting the kids is a travesty that you are not willing to be a part of. If she wants the kids with her, she can return home. Otherwise, you'll see her in court.

btw, your kids will learn from HER to be a homewrecker and from YOU to be a doormat, if you go through with what SHE wants right now. Do you want to teach your kids to accept these destructive behaviors and repeat them in their own lives?

Thanks for the response catwoman. While I agree with most of your post, I do not see how I can plan A during a seperation. Also you mentioned part of Plan A is to show her "what an awesome catch I am", but the next paragraph you say that women hate men that are nice and accommodating.

Also, if she is not in "wayward mode", dont I risk the happiness of our children by taking a hard stance on custody and also risk any chance of saving the marriage?

Plan A doesn't mean being nice and accomodating. It means knowing how you Love Bust her and NOT doing it any more. It means knowing her top Emotional Needs and meeting them. For instance, if you used to yell, you no longer yell (LB). Or if domestic support is a top EN, you always have clean clothes on/for the kids.

It does NOT mean 'yes dear, do whatever you want, dear.'

Why do you think she is not in wayward mode?

As for Plan A when separated, the whole plan here is to get her back in the house. By being firm about her not taking the kids away. But, yes, you CAN Plan A when separated. When you switch off kids, always look amazing. Have her favorite foods cooking when she comes over to get the kids. Smell good with her favorite cologne. If she likes fruit, send her a fruit bouquet. Stuff like that.