My story ... as best as I can remember it...

In June, I learned that my husband of 18 years had been having an affair for almost a year with someone he knew from work. He is in a business where he travels a lot. This woman was a tour manager for one of his accounts. So it was not unusual for him to be gone.

I found out when my DD(15) got on to his computer to look for some photos she had taken of an art exhibit some time ago. While DD was on the computer, she found a close up photo of their genitals, topless photos of this woman, and photos of the two of them at a baseball game where we live. My daughter sleuthed out the OW�s personal info by getting onto my WH�s Skype and email accounts. She tracked the frequency of their calls and pulled up emails of the two of them professing their love for each other and my husband talking descriptively to the other woman about their sexual encounters. My daughter emailed all of this information to her email account.

That night, my DD told my sister and the two of them told me.

I confronted WH. At first he denied until I told him about what our daughter had found. WH quickly became irate and blamed DD for being on his computer. He stormed into her room and yelled, �Why did you do this to me?� My daughter replied, �Why did I do this to you? Why did you do this to us? Why did you do this to mom? Don�t you love us?� To which he replied to DD, �No, I do not love you.� WH agreed to talk to me. As he was leaving the house, he tried to bar my sister from comforting my now sobbing daughter. DD stayed with her cousin that night and for several nights after that.

WH and I talked that night. He told me that he loved this other woman (who is 20 years younger than he is) and had not loved me for years. He told me I was fat and unattractive. When I asked him what he wanted, he told me to keep things the same. He wanted to stay living at the house, but keep seeing her. I told him that his desire was not fair, nor was it possible. He told me he needed time to think about it and would let me know in several days. He left that night and returned (drunk, I think) at about 2:30 a.m. I could not sleep that night.

The next morning I told him that the children and I needed a safe place and that he needed to leave the house. He refused. I begged him to be merciful and told him that DD had not felt safe enough to stay in her own home that night. He said, �Well, if I go now, then that is my decision.� I told him that that is his choice, not mine. As he talked, he became more confused in his thoughts and said he needed some time. He said, �Either way, someone is going to get hurt.� He said he would need several weeks to decide what he wanted. In the mean time he suggested I tell our twelve-year-old son that he was away on a business trip. I told him no, our son had a right to know the truth. He packed his things and left that day. That is the last day we have stayed under the same roof.

My WH also has a problem with alcohol. A couple of months into our marriage I discovered his problem. Over time, I have learned that he is a binge alcoholic. He can go years without drinking, but when he drinks, watch out!

I told WH that I was willing to work on the marriage under three conditions: 1) he get treatment for alcoholism, 2) no other woman, 3) we get professional counseling. He reportedly cut off communications with the other woman and we went into counseling for a few sessions.

In mid-July he invited my daughter to spend the night with him in the hotel room where he was staying and watch Dexter (mature sexual, language and violence content). When I voiced concern about DD spending the night with him and asked if his hotel room had 1 or 2 beds, he went into a tirade, went into a two-day drinking binge and blamed me for all of it. DD told me that she felt spending the night would be inappropriate. She called her father to cancel.

My husband bailed on any attempts to get help and work on the marriage through an email in late July. He stated that he wanted a divorce. Shortly after the email, I met with him. I told him that I had hoped for reconciliation in the relationship but accepted his refusal to work on the relationship. I told him that my three conditions remained, but in light of his decision I would be filing for legal separation in an effort to give us time to think through our decisions and not rush such a decision. I told him that I was no longer willing to see him in person or talk to him over the phone. I would however, be willing to correspond with him via text or email with regard to him seeing the children. I told him that I would support him having a relationship with the kids. I also asked WH to meet with me and the kids to tell them. Initially he agreed. My daughter was away at camp. During this time he fed misleading information to my son (12 years old), causing DS to believe that his father was coming home and reconciling with me. The morning we were supposed to meet and tell the kids, WH bailed. He �just wanted to have fun� with the kids right now. When I asked when he would agree to tell them with me, he said he wouldn�t. He said, �Why don�t you tell them.�

My in-laws have been extremely supportive of me and the kids through all of this. They are aware of my WH�s drinking problems and verbal abuse patterns. My sister-in-law offered to join me and we told the kids. We were very respectful of WH during the meeting. I told the children I had hoped their father would join us, but he was unwilling to meet with the four of us. I told him that their dad loved them and that I would encourage them to have a relationship with him. I told him that while they were away at camp, their dad had decided he was not willing to work on the marriage and had told me he wanted a divorce. I told the kids that I would be filing for a legal separation to give their dad and me time to think things through before making any final decisions. My daughter became furious and called her father soon afterwards. This is what she reportedly said: �My brother has lost a role model. How on earth is he supposed to learn to be a man with you as an example? How am I ever going to trust that a man will ever love me when my own father has told me that he doesn�t? You are a selfish man and do not deserve to be called Dad. My mom is too good for you. You do not deserve her. I am asking that my Mom will have full custody and do not ever want to see you again.� To which WH replied, �Whatever.�

In September, my WH called. He had nearly drunk himself to death over the weekend and was very remorseful. He wanted to come home. We met. He admitted his problem with alcohol. He was sorry. Got rid of the OW. That week he began counseling and went to an AA meeting. Within a couple of days of wanting to come home, the anger again began to mount. According to him, just the sight of me and the thought of me makes him angry. We put both of our attorneys on hold. His counselor advised him to take all relationships off the table - he needed to work on himself first before any marriage or family therapy would help.

Fast forward to the present. DD is still not speaking to him, but seems to be able to better talk about her feelings now. DS (12) is still very quiet. We are all seeing counselors. My WH will now say that he takes responsibility for the destruction of our family. He now admits that our DD not talking to him is her decision, not influenced by me. He is no longer attending AA meetings. He continues to see his therapist weekly. This past fall he really disappeared from our DS�s life. Since the beginning of the year, he has been seeing DS approximately once a week. Believe it or not, this is progress! This is all so mind boggling!!! Yes, he has had a drinking problem. Yes he has been verbally abusive. He has also been very loving and dedicated to his family. It is amazing to me that he has just left!!! I can�t believe he walked away from everything.

I don�t know the state of our relationship now, except we are physically, emotionally, and spiritually separated. Nothing legal, just separated.

I fill my days with graduate studies, attending a Christian 12-step program called Celebrate Recovery, and connecting with close family and friends. My support systems have been tremendous. I just grow impatient. I really do want our family to be restored. I want to have the chance to work at this marriage. But I am also not willing to do that in an emotionally abusive context.

I welcome your thoughts...

(((Derrah))) I am so sorry you find yourself here. I am a newbie, but please know the vets will be along soon. You are in the right place. Visit here often and READ as much as you can.

The alcohol, adultery and abusive behavior. He has to sober up. I'll be honest w/ you. The odds of this being a recoverable, healthy marriage are highly remote. He is an idiot. DUDE

Let's be realistic here. You know if he doesn't get help for addiction there's no way working on your M will work. Read the articles in the Newsletter forum, especially on unconditional love and when to call it quits. Your WH is making marriage-wrecking choices because of his addiction. He needs to straighten himself out. You need to take control of your life. He can always come back once he's sober and proven to you for a period of time.

Gg

You should kick him in the taint.

Twice.

If my H ever did that to our daughter, he would NEVER be allowed back in our house.

Thanks for your input. In some ways, I think infidelity is the least of our problems. If my WH does not achieve sobriety and does not do some major work with regard to his anger problem, there is no hope. And quite frankly, the person that left that night is not welcome back in my home.

I have cried countless tears over my daughter and what she experienced that night. As if seeing photos of your father with someone else was not enough!!! At that point, she needed him to apologize to her and tell her he made a mistake, he loved her and she did nothing wrong. A friend of mine recently commented, "You don't get to do that. As adults, we can tell anyone in the world we don't love them ... but you never tell your child that ... ever!"

It is my daughter that clarifies my stance. He is not welcome back in the house unless there is a major character change. I do believe that if people want to change, and they work hard at it, that change is possible. And I know this is a long shot.

My son misses his father. I miss parts of my WH - not the drinking and the anger, of course - but the person who had a strong love of family. Over the last few years, my husband's business grew exponentially. He made a lot of money. And it seems that as the bank account grew, so too did his ego and a belief that he was above all convention. A week before I learned of the affair, he told me "I have just reached a point in my life where I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and how I want to do it." I called him a hedonist and he became furious with me.

Can money really change a person that drastically? He works in the entertainment industry. Affairs are rampant - so is drinking. No shortage of egos either. He was at a point where he was handing out huge surprise bonus checks to touring staff (his mistress included) on a pretty regular basis. He was king of his world.

We both come from families with strong religious faith. His entire family has drawn a line with regard to his behavior and have unconditionally stood behind my kids and me through all of this. They love their son/brother/uncle/nephew, but despise and refuse to condone his actions. Same too with my family. The kids and I are incredibly supported.

I am encouraged that he is seeing a therapist weekly. He has not had a drink in 16 weeks. I am not sure if this is really sobriety or merely a white knuckled attempt at control. I guess only time will tell. In the mean time, I am confused about how to be separated from him. What level of contact should I have? How much disclosure should I expect from him? How long do I wait for him to get his s@#$ together? He told me in September he had cut of the relationship with the OW. Do I believe this? Does it even matter?

I will go to the Newsletter forum and check out the unconditional love article recommended by gg615.

Personally, in a case of such rampant rebellion and addiction, I would recommend you go to Plan B and stay there a good long while.

Before I even spoke to a WH like that again, I would want months of verifiable alcohol treatment and consistent, stable behavior. He would need to have done his best to make amends with your poor kids, plus meet - on his own - every requirement for A's that is on here.

That would be what it would take before I would consider speaking to him, never mind attempt a reconciliation.

I don't say your case is hopeless, but it's so bad that only a complete, long-term turnaround will give you any peace that you would be able to try the difficult process of recovering with this man.

At this point, it's all on him.

As a recovered alcoholic, I totally agree with Neak. It seems the Harleys agree, also.

Unless and until your H gets his drinking problem managed, he can't address any other problem.

My first wife left me because of my drinking. At first, I took it as license to drink as I wanted. It was necessary. It took almost a full year for me to hit bottom and get into recovery.

Our marriage did not survive, but she and I are on better terms than The Leopard and I.

Until recovery, I was a mess. I was useless to myself and to anyone else. No one could help me, either.

Have you tried Al-Anon? It may help you get your head around your H's problems. It could help you, because your H is beyond help right now.

Daaaang, I didn't even know us guys have 'taints'... He should be kicked in the taint and the b@lls while she is at it.

This guy is a complete idiot. Tell him DUDE said so!! DUDE

Thanks Dude! I have to agree. He had a pretty good thing going. Now what's he got? Some luxury apartment downtown where he lives by himself. He has no relationship with his best friend, parents, sister, nieces, nephew, daughter, or wife. He has cut out relationships from his life left and right. He sees his son maybe 1x/week.

He has two lackey's from his office who tell him anything he wants to hear (they make a lot of money off of him). I guess now he really gets to do "what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants." It's so much easier to be king when your kingdom just has two people in it (and they are on your payroll to boot!).

He has recently fallen on hard financial times, though. Has money to last him a while... will be interesting to see how long the money leeches hang on when the funds dry up!

Can you get him on here so we can save him from HIMSELF??! He needs a miracle t save whats left of his tattered life. Let us be the ones to SHOW HIM A PLAN to put it ALL BACK TOGETHER before he off's himself. DUDE

Am I misunderstanding something, or did he REALLY say that vicious piece of venom to your daughter sober? That'd be strike 3, bases loaded, bottom of the ninth, game lost, as far as I'm concerned. Neak's dad and I have had a difficult marriage for the last 39 years, but he never, EVER said anything like that to the kids. If he was sober, I don't see how excessive alcohol consumption (at some other time) could be used as an excuse.

tl

He is blowing his life up AND HIS DAUGHTER discoverer it. Of course he is pissed. He is pissed at HIMSELF for being such a loser, so he takes it out on his daughter. She will disown him. It always happens this way and he will NEVER be able to fix it. Kids are VERY unforgiving when their parent betray them. DUDE

tl-
I'm afraid he was stone cold sober when he said it. To say he's got issues would be an extreme understatement. I have done some reading about personality disorders - narcissism, borderline. He seems to fit these profiles to some degree.

To me, that moment was an unthinkable crime. It can never be taken back. He has tried to apologize to my daughter a few times (first time was a text message - "I'm sorry for the mean things I said to you out of anger"). A couple of other times he has said he was sorry. But REALLY! No groveling, no appearance of shame - although this summer we were talking. With tears in his eyes he said, "What kind of a father tells his daughter he doesn't love her. You KNOW I love her." I do know that he loves her, but he is toxic to her - to me - and to everyone else, unless he does some major work.

My daughter refuses to see him (pretty healthy response, I'd say), and meets any of his attempts to contact her with hateful responses. She is in therapy to help her work through this and not become bitter because of it.

My husband said he would be happy to meet with our daughter if she would be willing to have an adult conversation with him about it. My response? "Impossible! She is a child!" He is on another planet.

When I first found out about the affair, I had learned about this site and told him about it. He checked it out and said he didn't agree with it. Go figure...

This really bothers me. What your WH said to your daughter is truly unforgivable. I know because my dad said that to me when I was ten. He was having an affair at the time too. It has affected me my whole life. Except I never got an apology; not that I'd have believed or accepted it, and I never saw him again (his choice). He told my mom that OW wanted him to break contact with me because she felt I reminded my dad of my mom.

One more question. Do any of you know anything about the Alienation of Affection laws? It is my understanding that this is law in 9 states. My WH bedded his mistress in one of them. I have documentation of it from the emails my daughter found. Can I sue this other woman? Is it advisable?

I will come back later with a real post but OMG...I am ROTFLMAO at this!