Ok. For the past couple of days he has been pretty good. We did the love busters questionnaire and he has tried to work on a few of my complaints.

He has been less demanding about sex and he has stopped and actually 'thought on his own' a couple of times.
He went to church and has been very loving and considerate towards me.

I guess my problem is even if he continues like this, will it ever be good enough for me. How long do I give him to be able to say he has changed and is genuine.

I think he is genuine in the only way he can be. I know he loves me and wants to stay married. I am just so confused because I also know he doesn't want to lose his 'possessions'. Is this just him being a good boy so he doesn't get any of his things taken away?

I don't know if his love for me is going to be good enough for me. I have also been studying up on co-dependency and feel like it does describe me almost to a tee. I worry no matter what he tries to do and no matter how much he changes, that this will not be a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

What am I to think and do? How long do I give him to make changes? I am so afraid these will only be temporary. Once I move back in, things will slowly go back to the way they were.

I am so lost. I am to the point that I desperately regret not getting out of the marriage as soon as I discovered the PA. Because I don't know if I have what it takes to make the relationship work now. I am afraid I won't be able to let go of the hurt and anger inside of me.........

Try not to start new threads, ok? It's hard for people to follow your story and give correct advice.

If I were you, I would be setting some really high standards he has to pass BEFORE he can come home. As in, do ABC for the next 6 months, and THEN we'll look at getting back together.

And in the meantime, YOU should be getting counseling on your own issues. That way, you'll be strong enough to do what's right, not just what keeps you from being alone.

I feel the same way. Hubby had 5 mo PA in 1991 while I was pregnant with 3rd child and I recently found out that he had a ONS in 1987 that has produced genital warts (HPV). I knew he had this along time ago but he denied cheating previously and said the warts had gone but I had no evidence of the kind of warts he had. However, I recently found out with concrete evidence through a physical that he has been being treated for warts since 1992!I actually saw the name of the HPV in writing. He never told me or protected me from this STD. He has been lying for 23 years after being asked multiple times. We went through serious counseling in 1991/92. He has changed somewhat for the better but there had been this secret and I knew it so I could not fully commit to him I guess. He too wants to remain married and I am fairly sure he has been faithful since 1991 but there have been lies. I have changed as well and our kids have grown. I too think he is not good for me but I have agreed to go to Christian counseling one more time against my better judgment.
The counselor asked me if I wanted to know why he is the way he is and why our marriage was the way it was so that I could move on whether it is with him our without him. It makes sense I guess so I don't hold onto baggage either way. I too think WH does the best he can but now it is no longer good enough for me. I am very confused. He says he loves me and he will do anything for our marriage but that should have been done in 1991 or before in my opinion. I am fairly certain my love is no longer there. Any advice? Thanks.

Start a thread over in Marriage Builders 101. You'll get a lot more traffic there. In a nutshell, however, you need to learn about boundaries. A major one will be honesty. 'If I find out you have told me a lie, I will ABC.' Whatever the consequence will be.

Another thing to consider is letting him know what you DO need from him, and ensure he knows if you don't get it, you will leave, if that's your decision.

Print out the Love Buster questionnaire, and both of you fill it out. Tell him that if he LBs you with the items you list, you will not be able to fall back in love with him. Both of you work on not LBing the other for a month.

Then fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire. Tell him you need him to meet your top 5 ENs; you do the same.

Your love will return if you can do that.