My husband and I have been reading from this site for almost a year now. I will try to make this brief and will welcome any questions from you to clarify if needed.

I am still struggling. I had a LTA. (approx 4yr EA followed by 2yr PA) A ended 1 year ago. NC for 8 months now. I want to be a good wife and I want to love my husband the way he deserves to be loved. He is a wonderful man and has been extremely patient and forgiving. I will admit that I have only been serious about R for the last 4 months or so. My problem is that no matter how hard I try, I still don't have those feelings back for my husband yet. I am doing my best in keeping with the premise that feelings follow actions but lately I am becoming frustrated and truthfully I'm scared. It seems reasonable that a LTA would be more difficult to R from than a STA/ONS. I ask God every day to help me be a better wife and to help me love my husband the way I should. I remember reading in SA that in his experience (DR. Harley) a person's faith won't even help them in recovering their marriage. (something to that effect/can't remember the exact words) That just goes against everything I have believed for my entire life. I have always believed that all things are possible with God.

Has anyone recovered their marriages after a LTA and if so what kind of time frame did recovery follow. And also what were some of the things you did to help you fall back in love with your spouse.

My fwxw was a LTA(a yearish). Losing me really broke her of anything related to OM and realizing what she HAD LOST. Your situation is different. You've always had your H and still do, so you've only lost your vows at this point but he is still in your life. If you think you can't love him like you should, it would be more honorable to let him go. You've already cheated on him for a long time. Dont you owe him that? DUDE

How much time are you and your H spending alone? I find that the more time I spend with my H doing things that we both enjoy, the closer I feel to him. We go out on dates on Friday nights. When we can find a babysitter, we go to museums or hiking on the weekends. Sometimes, we just take long drives together and talk. When we can't find a babysitter, we rent a movie and do date night in. I think it's very important to spend as much quality time together as possible.

I did not have a LTA (about 6 months) but there is an OC involved in my situation, so my R has definitely had its fair share of complications. I've only been completely NC with the OM since early Sept., so I'm fairly new to the R process as well. I still struggle with feeling close to my H sometimes as well, but I do think it's getting better. I know it can take a lot of time, but I do hope that my feelings for my H will someday be what they were before the A. I know they get stronger with each passing day, so I believe we are heading in the right direction.

Exactly the same question I struggle with from time to time Dude.
My reasons for not leaving are these:
I'm in my 30s and I know I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. I will want to start over/fall in love again at some point. Why not with the man who is the father of my children and also a wonderful man by anyones standards. I KNOW I will never find a man that compares to my husband. So the thought of getting out there in the dating world and looking for someone else just has no appeal to me at all. Plus, I am not interested in sharing custody of my children and having to give up every other holiday/weekend with them.
I sometimes wonder if I am not seeking after the little girl's fantasy of love and romance. Maybe in the real adult world it just doesn't exist, IDK. But I want to love him like I once did and I'm looking for hope/encouragement that it can one day be like that again.

Go back and read this and see how many "I"s are in this paragraph. You are still very wayward and selfish. What about HIM??! Maybe he deserves someone that loves and cherishes HIM and won't cheat on HIM! It looks like you have really wayward tendencies and shouldn't be married. I think if you fear you can't snap out of the high school crap, you need to let him go for HIS SAKE. Regardless of what you want! DUDE

15 hours a week of quality alone time: are you doing this?

Where is the OM now?

Is the OM a neighbor or co worker?

Does your BH still ask questions about the affair?

Why the affair, was BH not meeting your needs?

Is the BH still not meeting needs?

How was the SF with the OM compared to BH?

Remember it helps to say I'm not a bad person, though I did a bad (affair) thing.

Thank you writer for your input. Things have been improving for us too. Early in recovery, I couldn't even stand to be touched. That has gotten better. It seems like we go along and have a couple of good days and then I have days when I feel really discouraged and wonder if we really will make it. Today is just one of those dark days for me I guess and I think it would help to hear from others who have "been there".

I have my bad days too, so I understand. Sometimes, I still don't want to be touched. Sometimes, I just need my space. Of course, I guess we all need space at times. Sometimes, I wonder too if things will ever really be "right" between us again. But then, I stop and try to imagine what my life would be like without my H in it, and I really can't imagine that. I think that's what gets me through the bad days, trying to imagine never seeing my H again, never talking to him again. I just can't imagine it, and for me, that helps me see that I did the right thing by staying and seeing this through.

I think that was the thing that really ended my A. I could imagine a life without the OM, but I couldn't imagine a life without my H. Things aren't perfect between us, but he is my H, my family, my best friend.

Yes, you are right Dude. A lot of I's there. When one is trying to explain one's position it's kind of hard not to use them. Sorry if I offended you with my selfishness but if we're honest we are all a little selfish from time to time. My husband does not want a divorce and neither do I if I can avoid one. That's why we are here. To not only survive and muddle through but to thrive. If it's selfish to want a happy marriage and to try to learn and take steps to achieve that then I'm guilty.

Road,
my husband has all info reguarding the affair and he knows I am willing to tell him any thing he wants to know. The OM doesn't live in our town anymore. We were co-workers at the time of the A.

You didnt say much about what your H wanted so its seemed like I was reading the wayward bible." IN the beginning, there was "I"" DUDE

Calypso, have you bought the books, "His Needs Her Needs" and "Love Busters," both by Dr. Willard Harley, the founder of this site and Marriage Builders? If not, I suggest you do and you and your husband READ THEM TOGETHER. Do the exercises.

Perhaps you might even want to sign up for one of the MB weekends. I've not been, but everyone who has reports a phenomenal return on investment!

Hello there

20month EA.

12months NC.

Still working hard at being close to my H.

I confessed to A and always wanted to recover M and he has been willing and trying orm the start.

Very very occsaionally I have felt in love. Most of the time I love him, occasionally I hate him.

The UA time is probably the most significant in making us feel close or me close to him - he feels close to me almost always.

If you still work in the same place even though OM doesn't you are still likely to be triggered. You need to remove everything associated with OM. Otherwise any good work that you or your H do seems to have a lot less impact than it would if those little reminders were totally vanished.

Writer1, you sound like you're doing a good job. It takes such a lot of effort- seems so strange that something that you want so bad and deep down in your heart you want so so badly to be in love wiht your H but it can seem to take such a long time to get there.

We'll do it. We'll all do it. Just more time and lots of commitment.

It's time and time together

How is your BH?

It is possible to recover from an A, short term or long term.
The MB seminar would be very valuable to answering your questions and protecting your M from further destruction.
There is one going on at the end of January.

Welcome to MB!

calypso,

TheRoad asked you a very important question...Can you answer that please?

Dr. Harley says it should be more than that when a couple is in crisis...Those hours of undivided attention are supposed to be spent engaging in intimate conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment...Only when you are doing THAT will your feelings follow your actions in the way you want them to...You must work the program in it's entirety in order for it to work...

How about booking the next Marriage Builders Weekend? It's awesome - Mr. W and I can't say enough good things about it...

Mrs. W

Why did you decide to stop lurking after one year and join in?
Does your H post here ?








How did it end?
Were you were discovered by someone? Who & how?
Did you confess on your own?
Did your adultery end because you wanted it to?
If not, who ended your adultery?




This answers some of your own questions.



EXACTLY which feelings are you talking about?
Name them. It's important.






Your adultery was possible, despite your beliefs in God.


After a YEAR of reading on MB, you should already know this.
Why don't you know this?

I'm beginning to think you two have stock in MB.com. When is this thing going IPO? DUDE

During the first five weeks after D-Day, we spent over 30 hours together. It was forced in one way, since I was recovering from hip replacement surgery and I literally couldn't leave the house.

But that did as much to save things as anyone else. There was no way in that early stretch she could have met up with Pond Scum -- she literally couldn't get away from me.

And I used that time to my best advantage. It wasn't a perfect plan A -- there was too much relationship talk for that, and I did follow her around the house -- but what I did was enough to get her back into a state of Conflict, then eventually to Intimacy once again.

Double the 15 hours to 30...or as many as you can. Think of it as the Marital ICU, with constant care needed.

When something REALLY works, Dude, it's hard to be quiet about it...

Mrs. W

I want some friends and family shares or I'm going to the SEC! DUDE

Dude,

It's taken everything in me not to point out just how bad your advice on this thread has been...Can I ask you something? It's very obvious that you haven't worked this program or even bothered to read one of Dr. Harley's books...You likely haven't even read all the free articles here...It's crystal clear that you don't have a lot of confidence in Marriage Builders, so why do you stick around?

Mrs. W