I have been feeling compelled to apologize to my husband for moving out. That I could have made other choices on how to handle seeing him with another woman.

He came over this morning and was upset b/c his cousin had died. I held him and said I was sorry she died. He wasn't close to her but it was the third person he has lost in about 15 months in his family.

I told him later that I wanted to say a few things but did not want to get in any long discussions. He said ok. I told him when I found him at the bar kissing the woman he had been accused of messing around with it reminded me of his previous affair. That had started out w/a kiss w/ my bf after he had been drinking and my bf's H figured it out. My husband had been caught and threatened if he ever done anything like that again w/her. (Him and the couple agreed at the time not to tell me). He never stopped. Their relationship went into a full blown PA within 2 months.

I told him that I felt like once that seed had been planted in his heart the only thing that would snap him out of it was for me to turn his world upside down. That was the only thing that worked previous. When I discovered his first affair I moved out the day I confronted him. It took him about 2 seconds to show remorse and promise to do whatever it took to fix things.

I explained to him that is was history repeating itself and I thought that me moving out would once again 'snap him out of it'. That I expected it to be a short cooling off period and we would get back on track in no time.

I told him I was sorry for moving out and hoped he could forgive me for that. I wanted that to be the end of the conversation and we could go on with our day and both maybe feel a little better. But no...

He started talking and we he does he has a hard time stopping. He told me where he was at back then. That I wasn't there for him even though I said I was. That he didn't feel like I would do what he needed done because I didn't think it was right (getting him drunk and rolling 'a big fat one' for him). That I was only willing to do what I thought he needed because I thought that was the only right way. He told me how he was not out looking for someone else, he didn't want someone else. That he didn't feel like he could do what he needed to to get through the grieving process. That none of this would have happened and didn't need to happen if me and everyone else would have left him alone to grieve.

Well, for me hearing everything he was saying was like listening to fingernails going down a chalkboard. I started yelling at him, making agitated faces and pointing my finger at him. (Things on his love buster questionnaire). My blood boils over when I hear him say these things because I can't get beyond the thought that if he didn't sleep with that whore, I would have been back home and a year later our relationship could be better than before. I struggle so hard keeping my composure. What do I do to get a hold of myself? I want to forgive and get rid of the anger and bitterness. (Still don't know if I am able to do that it would lead to a R).

Needless to say, he left and I am left feeling like an a#$ again because of my angry outburst on a day he was upset over a death in his family. I am one self-centered witch!

Um...where in all that did he apologize for ripping your life apart by continuing to have affairs and flaunt them in your face?

He apologizes for his mistakes but he always keeps on talking and goes on about what 'everybody else did'. He says that he knew he should have seen all the red flags but it was because his dad died and he was mad at himself and the world that he didn't pay attention to them.

He didn't sleep with her before I moved out. I feel like he holds onto that fact. He says that when I moved out he figured it was going to be like the separation in his previous marriage. (She had a boyfriend or two during that time).

It really bothers me that he always backs up the apology with his dad dieing. He says he knows now that he can't use that as an excuse for his actions. I know how his world was turned upside down after his dad died because mine was too after my dad died. I think I might be able to move forward if I didn't feel like he was still in his heart using the circumstances in his life to explain his choices.

I still feel bad about getting in his face and yelling at him this morning........

You already know the truth. He ISN'T apologizing. He is making EXCUSES. That is not the same.

Listen. YOU need to be mad, not apologetic. You can apologize - ONCE - for yelling, and promise to never do it again.

But that has NOTHING to do with him cheating on you.

Ok my WH has been a dream the last two days. Considerate, caring, thoughtful. He has been a gentleman and has not demanded anything. He has been the man of my dreams. So what's the problem?

I am so afraid it won't last. It has been almost a year since I moved out and he demanded a decision from me a month ago. His deadline is coming up. I don't know what the heck I am suppose to do. I know he will be good for maybe even a few years this time. I just don't know if it will be good enough for me.

He came over and invited me and the kids to dinner this evening. That was very nice of him. What did I do? Cried like a baby. I looked at him playing with our son and just lost it. All that was going through my mind was seeing him with the OW. Knowing that he told yet another woman that he loved her, that he gave his body to someone else. How am I ever suppose to live with him again? How am I ever suppose to walk thru this small town again with my head held high? So many people know what he has done for the second time to me. I am overwhelmed with shame and embarrassment.
The hurt is so deep. Yet I still love him and most of the time don't know how I am ever going to live without him.

My heart is broken and I don't have any hope it will ever be whole again. With or without him. I wish God would take this pain away!!!!!!